Hi Katica,
Thank you for sharing your story. Let me tell you first up that you are not alone. We are here for you at the BB community, 24/7. I feel that you sound very lonely, and in your loneliness have had too much time to think, let the wheels spin too much, and come up with all kinds of nasty little scenarios, which have led to feelings such as guilt, fear, anxiety, uselessness etc. You need to break the spiral, and you can.
Humans are social creatures, and all of your family has some kind of social outlet to keep them busy, except you. My suggestion is not coffee or going to the pub, my suggestion is first, you need to go and get yourself a good counselor to see on a weekly basis who you can simply get all of your feelings, thoughts, emotions etc. off of your chest to. You'll probably cry it out, a lot. This is healthy, really healthy. Crying, laughter - two of the healthiest actions our bodies have instinctively learned in order to provide us with a release, a reset. YOu need to do this, and you need to know it is healthy to do so.
Once you have your counseling booked, you can plan a life. Plan small things for yourself - take a walk every day, do some gardening, have friends over for tea, go to the shops (even if you don't shop, just take a look around), breathe, make friends both off-line and online, etc. There are endless things you can do.
Eventually, you'll be able to raise how you feel and what you are doing about it to your husband. He has his release - he drives trucks. Yes, it may be lonely for him too however he is on the road, he gets to socialize, see places, work a job etc. You, too, need your outlet.
You are young at 50. There is a whole life ahead of you, to enjoy and to learn new things. Go and see someone to help you get your thoughts and feelings in order, it really is necessary. Don't do this by yourself at this point, as it won't be anywhere near as effective.
Good luck, come back and chat anytime we are here for you.
Steve
