35 next week & it isn’t any better

[Ylime]

I have a place to live, a car to drive, a job, regular income. Isn’t that all the things I didn’t have before that was what I wanted to get my life back. Well I got all those things but I’m going through life just living. Doing what I have to to get through each day.

I’ve stuck to what I was told to do and disassociated with old friends but I can feel my depression pulling me back under. I’m so lonely. I’m so alone. I’m lost in life still when I’m not at work. It’s all well and good to talk about meeting people, but it’s not that easy.

This life isn’t the life I wanted. It isn’t fun living like this and feeling this way.

I really do feel like I’ve tried my best. I’ve travelled, I’ve had a house, I’ve worked hard and got no where career wise. I’ve been in love and had my heart totally smashed to pieces. I’ve been a drug addict, a criminal, in rehab and in recovery. I can’t help but sometime feel like I’ve done a lot in my 35 years here and it wouldn’t be the worst thing if it ended here. I could stop having to go through every day just to go to bed only to get up again. Not loving it at all.

If I could get a ticket out of here without anyone getting mad or upset, I would.

I don’t know what the point of me living like this anymore it has been hard having depression for 7 years now I feel like I’ve achieved nothing in my life even though I have tried so hard to make things get better

there is a point when being so lost and so alone isn’t possible to deal with anymore and I’m running out of strength to keep pretending that I’m all good like everyone thinks I am

I hate this stupid illness & I wouldn’t wish it on anyone & I don’t think anyone can beat it because trust me I’ve tried

[Doolhof]

Hi Ylime,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. It sounds like you are in a rough place right now, a place many of us here recognise and have been to.

It is tough when you know what will help you to move forward but you just don't seem to know how to put anything into place to make things work better.

I am sure you have tried many different things.

My psychologist was trying to teach me to accept the depression, to acknowledge it and work with it. I am afraid I walked out and did not return again. I certainly didn't help myself much with my actions! I found him telling me to have "happy thoughts" when all I wanted was to not be here was not helpful.

Lately I have been doing some research on the internet about "Behavioural Activation Treatment" as I have become very stuck.

It talks about reintroducing past pleasant activities into your life. That is the bit I find tough! I know what I could do I just can't make myself do them!

Maybe the trick is to try something that is achievable, to recognise what I have managed to do and plan another small goal.

Feeling alone and lonely can be a huge issue, I totally get that too! I have been known to go to the shops just so I have someone to talk to, even if it is the person at the check out!

I've prattled on for a while. Hopefully others will join the chat and offer you some suggestions.

All the best to you from Dools

[PamelaR]

Hi Ylime and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

It's good you've been able to share your story. Thank you. Yes, depression is the pits isn't it? What I've learnt over time is,It will always be there, however it is manageable.

There are a lot of triggers that send us off into a spiral, it's trying to work out what works and what doesn't.

You can find many community members also have depression. What we can help with is peer support and sharing stories of what coping strategies have helped their depression. Feel free to join in their discussion by browsing the Depression forum.

There is one that you might find particularly interesting and that is:

Depression: Fight it or Embrace It

You can find it by doing a search in the search field at the top of the page.

Hope some of this helps. You're not alone Ylime. Reach out when and if you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR