I feel so alone and losing my strength to fight...

[Alyel]

I feel so so alone. I've had depression and anxiety ever since I was 11 but I could always get through the bad days because I had family and friends to support me. I am now 22 and its been 5 years since I left high school. Pretty much immediately I lost all of my friends through fights which mainly revolved around my depression and anxiety - me always bringing them down, or not going out with them due to anxiety or acting like the victim if I wanted to share my feelings. It took me a lot of time to kind of get over it, but it hurts to know they are all still friends and its as if I never existed. To make it worse, I've been at uni for 4 years and have not made one friend... I don't know what's wrong with me. Everyone around me in my year are great friends, inviting each other to parties etc. I have no one to talk to but my partner and I can't always rely on him. I am getting married next year in April and I'm not even excited, I'm depressed because I don't have any friends going, and the people that were so important in my life that I would've wanted there won't be because we aren't in each others lives anymore. I have tried to fix things and catch up but they refuse... Obviously something is wrong with me. I feel I will always experience this loneliness, always struggle to make and keep friends.

My family is normally my everything. My sisters are normally my best friends but for some reason lately we have grown distant. The 3 of them hang out together, talk to each other at family events and complain about me. Tonight was a family thing, and I sat on the couch alone for 6 hours... without interaction. I eventually broke down and left. My nieces and nephews don't even say hi to me or want to hug or play with me - only with my other sisters. I think it is because I've been more honest lately, because they treat me like crap majority of the time and only talk to me when they need me, for example, to babysit so I guess I haven't stood for it lately. I'm always being bullied in the family, even by brother in laws. They say really horrible things, but whenever I am honest or stand up for myself I get yelled at or called mean. I can never win or be myself anymore. How can I live on when even my own family dislikes me. How can I make friends when my own family dislikes me. I would never harm myself, trust me. I couldn't do that to my Mum or partner. I just needed to talk. I am normally such a fighter, but I have lost all the fight within me. Idk what to do.

[JessF]

Hello Alyel, you do sound stuck at the moment and consumed with thoughts that something is wrong with you because of your difficulties in maintaining friendships and making new ones. A lot of our depressed and anxious feelings come from our thoughts, and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. You say you have had depression and anxiety since you were 11, so your mind will have been telling you these stories for a long time now. And when we tell ourselves negative stories about ourselves for long enough, we start to believe they're true. And worse, we start to act as if they're true. Sadly, other people can pick up on these changes in our behaviour, and it can lead to strains in relationships, or broken friendships. And that just reinforces all the negative stories we tell ourselves.

From a lot of your post, your head doesn't sound like a happy place to be at the moment, with this loneliness you're feeling even making you think you might not want to be here anymore. I don't want to minimise any of that, but I'd like to focus just for a minute on some of the strengths in your post, perhaps as a way to get you thinking a little differently on things.

Firstly, you are getting married! Congratulations. You have someone in your life who loves you so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. How does that fact match up with your thought that there is something wrong with you, and that you aren't able to make and keep good relationships in your life?

Secondly, you say you are a fighter. This sounds like you are a person who has some good ways of coping with tough times and challenges. Can you talk a bit more about that in your next post, remembering a time when you were your best 'fighter', and things worked out? What did you do at that time, and how did it make you feel?

I hope you will come back and post and tell us a bit more.

[PamelaR]

Hi Alyel and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I'm sorry it's taken so long for a response. However, it's not your fault, it's our own system that causes this hiccup.

Jess has given you some wonderful advice.

Congratulations - most definitely in order. That is such a wonderful thing. To have someone you can share your life with. So you are doing something right!!

Socialising with friends and family can be difficult at times. I know as I've had difficulties for years. Sometimes I'm okay and at other times I just curl up in a corner and withdraw. When I withdraw, people find it very hard to approach me. In fact they stay clear. It's the body language that I send out. Do you find that? For example, you said you sat on the couch for 6 hours and no one came near. Well, I could have interpretted this as - she wants to be alone, she doesn't want to communicate with anyone. Have you thought of it this way?

What I've found through life is - building relationships is hard work. I've had to be the one to reach out to others. To give some positivies in life rather than negativities. Many people want to be happy not down especially in social family gatherings.

I agree with Jess, you're obviously very strong and a survivor. Having anxiety and depression is hard work at times. So how are you managing these episodes? For example, do you have a doctor or health professional to talk to?

Thank you for sharing your story Alyel, it isn't always easy is it? You're not alone Alyel.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Alyel]

Thank you so much JessF and PamelaR for replying to my post, and for giving me advice.

I get that my negative thoughts can turn into acting them in reality. I don't know how to stop doing it, like I didn't even realise how me sitting on the couch for 6 hours would come off until you mentioned it PamelaR. I guess I wanted to be alone because I was down, and down at the same time for being alone. My mind and emotions are confusing me so much lately, it's like I am at war with myself. I came off antidepressants about 4 months ago and I feel I am getting worse. I'm especially so anxious all the time, my body feels so tightly wound, and I am barely sleeping. Mostly because I am starting to have a huge phobia of death to the point I am scared to leave the house, and paranoia of people breaking in for some reason! I don't know if to go back on medication. I am seeing a psychologist as well but it doesn't feel like it is helping, except the relaxing techniques she gave me to help me sleep.

Thank you for your congratulations! I actually forgot to think of my current relationship as a positive that I can maintain a long-term relationship. So I am doing something right. I have also noticed that people don't want to be brought down so I try to talk more about positives to my two friends and family rather than negatives but it is tough when I want to talk about being down because I don't want to upset anyone and lose them. My friends and partner aren't emotional talkers either so it makes things harder.

I can't pinpoint a moment where I have been a fighter. I just have always pushed on, I just keep moving forward like my Mum does. She's my hero. My family has been through quite a bit... when I was 4 I accidentally told my Dad that my sister's boyfriend came over when I wasn't suppose to. He had anger issues and chased her down the street with a knife, came back and locked me and my brother in the house and burnt the house down. Luckily my brother knew how to unlock the door and we got out to safety. That night we ran, and the 6 of us lived in the car for a while until we could find a place. That's only a snippet, and till now things have finally gotten calm and better for all of us. All I can remember is I would cry, or distract myself with gaming on Youtube, and keep moving forward. I would talk to my friends and family, hug those important to me, and talk to my dogs. My two rescue dogs my partner and I adopted are my everything. They calm me so much.