Mum is gone and I'm broken

JamesCarer

That's it. I cared for her for 15 years. I knew she was thirsty before she needed a drink. I knew when she was in pain. I could understand her eyes. I never wanted her to feel like she was a burden. I wanted to provide what she needed before she even knew she needed it

She was the most gentle, loving, caring and compassionate person I knew and I will ever know. She loved her kids above all else and she deserved to be cared for. I would do it all again in a heartbeat

She didn't speak English well and she would hear me practising the piano often. When she was under palliative care. I made sure she was at home with me. It took some time to find the right doses of medication to keep her calm but her delirium had set in far earlier. I had the Greek TV playing in the background and played her recordings of my piano playing.

As her breathing slowed and I felt her pulse, I thought my pulse had sstopped too and wished she'd taken me with her. "Where are you going without me!" I cried. I held her hand and sat beside her for three hours talking to her and thanking her for being the perfect mum as family arrived. My younger brother was already there.

I remember waking to my brother holding me down after having a semi-seizure. Psychogenic Epilepsy they called it. With neds I started thinking about my future and work. I was a secondary school teacher before caring and I knew the vultures were coming, and they did. From my own family.

Now, I don't want to move. I'm forced to sell my house (vultures), I'm scared, lonely as I was cut off for 15 whole years, and there's this pain in my stomach that won't go away. Sometimes it feels hollow too. I'm 44 and I feel like the bigger part of me has died. It's too intense sometimes. Sometimes it's softer but when nighttime comes, my soul starts to ask for my mum. My beautiful mum. I promised to lead a happy life before Ivrealised how hard it would be.

I know it's onky been 3 weeks but It seems impossible. I miss you so, so much.

indigo22

Hi JamesCarer,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can tell from your words how much your mum meant to you and I know that the loss of a parent is difficult to come to terms with due to the bonds we have.

I think for all of us there is that one person that we will never stop missing, no matter how long it has been.

For me, that's my brother who died 50 years ago and I still miss him. I have lost 3 other family members in the meantime, but none impacted me nearly as much as that loss.

You did your absolute best to give her the best ending to her life, and that is something to be proud of yourself for. She would be watching over you now and wanting you to begin living your own life again.

I know how hard it is to pick up the broken pieces of yourself and try to put them back together and the truth is that some pieces will be near impossible to put back together but you just need to do the best you can and try at some point to move forward.

It has happened so recently that you can't expect too much of yourself right now. In truth, we do lose a piece of ourselves when we lose someone that we love. It's that part of ourselves that we were when we were with that person, and know we cannot be again. The best advice I can give you is to not fight the grieving process. It will come in waves and at unexpected times and will feel like it will never end. But it will come to an end in time, after which you will be able to think of her without the tears and perhaps even a smile when you think about who she was and what she meant to you.

Take the care you gave to your mum and apply it now to yourself.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌻

JamesCarer

Thank you for writing to me. I'm sorry for your loss, too. I just didn't know how profound this would all be. I mean, I guess I knew as I was grieving in anticipation for a while. Now she's gone and I really miss her. I hope to God this gets easier because this loneliness and isolation is hard to cope with.

It's usually at night when the emotions peak and so I'm not really sleeping much. I'm not eating much either, having lost 10kg in 3c weeks. Mum would be sad to see this but my stomach is knotted. I get angry sometimes at this supposed 'miracle" of life when we are forced to lose people that are so precious to us. I don't see a miracle at all.

I'm going to just give it more time. My doctor said I haven't stopped and need to grieve.

indigo22

Everything you have mentioned, the anger, not sleeping well, not eating much, these are all part of the grieving process. I promise it will get easier, it just takes time to adjust to her being gone. You can still talk to her and if you pay attention, there will be signs or messages from her. Feathers are a common one where they show up in unexpected places, coins are another usually with a significant year on them. You can ask her to send you a sign that she is still with you too.

I know that it feels lonely at the moment. Try to eat small amounts often rather than big meals until your stomach settles down and drink plenty of water. Your sleep will begin to normalise in the coming weeks. Just try to ride the wave as best you can.

If you need to talk, I will be around to support you, you are not alone.

indigo

smallwolf

Hello and welcome.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. The love and devotion you gave your mum shine through every word in your post.

No one can tell you how to grieve or when you should start feeling better—grief is deeply personal, and it affects everyone differently. Three weeks is such a short time, and on top of your loss, you're facing so much at once.

Please be kind to yourself. Your love for her hasn’t ended, and neither has hers for you. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way.

Take things one day at a time, and if you ever need extra support, that’s completely okay too.