Work is being effected by my anxiety

[sociallyawks]

I started my current job in January. For many reasons the first 4 months and introduction to the company were not great and I should have left. I now have a new CEO that I report to who I like. Its taken 10 months to start to feel like there is real progress happening with my team. I joined a company where I had no experience in the market we are in and other executives had been there for many years. So I felt for some time that my voice wouldn't mean much and I had a lot to learn. This last year I've also taken a couple of confidence hits.

One relating to a hospital visit for high blood sugars, then having to present to our chairman 4 days later with sugars still at 18. (should've been in hospital) Feedback is that I was underwhelming. I took that personally and hard.

I manage a small team of 4 people. My boss has mentioned to me that my work quality is great, and what my team is doing is great. However he wants me to have more leadership presence. He's said that he can tell I'm a quiet achiever and happy to be in the background but he wants more from me. He's organised executive coaching for me which I've only had one session so far.I am keen to see what I can learn but my worry is he is trying to turn me into someone I am not. He seems to have a preconceived idea about what someone has to be like. I really don't know that I can be what he wants. I know I'm not the loudest person in the room or the person thats the centre of attention.. thats a turn off for me.

This year I turned 40 and are finding I take things more personally than ever, feel less confident than ever, don't want to socialise. I used to be really career driven and now I really just don't want the responsibility, I would be happy being the quiet achiever. I fixate on things that happened and havent happened and it effects my sleep too. I cant stop playing things over.

I tried to seek help last year, the first meeting was ok but the psychologise then couldnt see me for over a month so that just frustrated me when I wanted help. I felt things have been a bit better but I just dont feel as strong mentally as I used to and dont know what to do.

[BballJ]

Hi sociallyawks,

By all means it sounds like you are excelling in your career and are achieving a lot and your boss clearly has a lot of respect for you and what he thinks you can achieve as well. End of the day, you are your own person and if managing is not for you, it may be worth saying something to your manager, your health is always number one and should be treated as such and it seems all this pressure is doing more harm than good. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in the background just doing your day to day job well. I know many people like that and they have been at the company the longest, they understand what is expected of them and try to achieve it as best as possible.

I would encourage you to possibly seek help again from a psychologist to try and get a better grip on your mental health. Perhaps speaking with your local GP and going from there may be the best start. I know the last one sort of let you down but there are many and you may click with this next one better.

My best for you,

Jay

[Nad]

Hi sociallyawks, for some reason your testimony really relates to me as well. i too use to be soooo driven in achieving higher and higher. i strived to educate myself so i can move up the ranks as well however after being diagnoised with bipolar disorder type 2 and major anxieties, i find myself being alot more sensitive to comments and feedback. i have an absolute lovely and caring team leader but sometimes her silence or facial expression places me in a big deep spiral of self doubt and worry. i have a wife and new born baby in which i always feel extremely scared that if anything happens to me at work or health wise, i wont be able to support them. My anxiety has been to the extremes where i can't even get out of bed. i get very nauseous, tingling in the arms and hands, electric shock feelings to the face and loss of appetite or movement. it takes me several days to try and get over this feeling and really push to get out of bed... all i want to do is sleep all the time and have no motivation to do anything. unfortunately i have Benzo's to take to work my way through everything to get to some sort of stable ground to go back to work. Just recently i took the leap of faith and just spoke to my team leader on how i felt. her response was she too has sometimes bad days or things on her mind in which i shouldn't take it personally. This hasn't solved everything but at least its lesson the burden and feeling of failing.

i'm at the moment still trying to find that motivation to better myself however my wife reminds me to take things one at a time. i find this comforting as each small step that i conquer is a win which helps my confidence.

[Mathy]

Hi Sociallyawks and welcome,

I’m curious as to why you need to show “leadership presence”, when your work quality is great and your team are performing well. I would have thought that if you and your team were achieving objectives then everything should be fantastic. What sort of industry are we looking at here?

Given the above, if I were you, I would be concerned about being turned into something I wasn’t. I know you feel your confidence is a bit low, but I would try and diplomatically seek clarification about just exactly what they want. Once you’re clear on that, then have a think about it and how it feels for you. Then, if it feels ok, I would identify what I needed in a mentor in order to achieve what they want, and ask them to supply a mentor/coach who could help you more appropriately. Because, as you’re already achieving well, then I order for you to grow, the right kind of teacher/mentor/coach is needed, not just any old “coach” they want to throw in the ring.

I hope that makes sense, cheers M 🙂

[AndyX]

I understand completely how you feel, however for me my inability to cope with an extremely stressful situation (I was being stalked and threatened by another staff member) has costed me my career progression which I was on track for.

If you are anything like me and usually an introvert, all the forced interaction during the work day leaves you drained and perhaps this is why you don’t want to socialise anymore. I’m like that. On weekends I just want to be left the hell alone and do my own quiet thinks and recharge. I have taken up yoga on weekends for this reason and it gives me one hour of complete quiet and meditation. It does help!

As for your work troubles and the whole leadership thing. That’s such a “now” thing. If you are in a management position you are expected to be a leader but I don’t think they quite understand the meaning of the word. You don’t have to be a loud micromanaging tyrant to be a leader. Quiet achieving leaders do exist and are more valued by their staff because they lead through their actions and not their loud mouth. I worked for a leader like this and I still miss him being my manager. I have a feeling you’re that kind of leader. Unfortunately if people are not open minded and stuck in an archaic management style they won’t realise you can still be quiet and lead.

My only advice is fake it if you can. But if you can’t and if it’s affecting you this way maybe find another job where you can be more valued. That’s what I’m doing! We spend too much time at work to allow it to affect us this way 🙂

[sociallyawks]

Yeah part of me thinks that

[sociallyawks]

Yeah I also think if you are trying to turn me into something I am not, it isnt going to work. If quality work is being done perhaps his style (he's from sales) is he wants people to be like him. I tend to think play to my strengths and work on the other parts.

[Mathy]

sociallyawks said:

Yeah I also think if you are trying to turn me into something I am not, it isnt going to work. If quality work is being done perhaps his style (he's from sales) is he wants people to be like him. I tend to think play to my strengths and work on the other parts.

Hey SW, how are things going?

All work now seems to be about “measurable outputs/KPIs” . Using these measures seems to lead to management who just focus on those numbers. I would be inclined to take a good hard look at those KPIs with my team. Do an honest appraisal amongst the group and check how you’re travelling as a team. What’s ok, what can we improve on? Summarise this, highlighting achieved targets and a dot point plan for remedying any “deficiencies”, and present this to your manager. It’s a bit of extra work the first time, but if you make it a regular thing you and your team do, you are on the “front foot” and you look like you’re leading. As an additional bonus, your “Manager” is forced onto the backfoot, and may possibly shut up and leave you alone, cheers from the possible very subversive M 🙂