What Now?

[Sam124]

Hi. This is a post a long time in the making... to summarise I've been on a downward rollercoaster for over 16 years (29, male). I'm still not sure what's pushed me to go ahead, but if I was to guess, I would say it's the heightened focus on mental health-particularly, the "Listen Days" on Triple M-that's led me to finally say my piece.

The guts of my problem is that I'm about as social as Stephen Hawking was an Olympian; while I've had social groups over the years, it's always gone south-in most times through my own fault than others. This is intertwined with my extreme level of negative thinking. At any time of day, my mind can be bombarded with negative memories, as early as embarrassing myself in my 4th grade school concert to as recent as the most minuscule factor my most recent social interaction. While I have a loving family, they are very... 'old school', and my struggles with my sexuality as well as a construed thinking that I can never make my parents "proud of me" prevent me from ever making a proper connection with them in the (foreseeable) future. As for love, I lost the one woman I ever loved due to my own paranoia, and I feel the one man I've loved will simply never understand my predicament. Lastly, while I firmly believe I am good at my work, my social ineptitude has led to me being in dire employment straits in the near future.

Please understand, I've 'tried'; I've done the psychology, I've done the CPT, I've tried prescription medicine. I'm ashamed to say I have 'given up' for at least the last 18 months; I am stuck in a purgatory of procrastination... and, ashamedly, other medication (the only thing that has allowed me to sleep at night for the past five years without the preceding hours being filled with dark thoughts).

I am not sure what I am looking for in this post; part of me is just looking for someone who I can relate to privately without judgement, part of me is looking for some miraculous solution for it all, part of me thinks while the public has paid more attention to mental health recently (thanks to a global pandemic and prominent Australians succumbing to mental health in the past few years, properly starting with Danny Frawley and most recently Shane Tuck) ALL the "aids" suggest the first step is to talk to a FRIEND. Well, I have no friends I can talk to, so here I am. What now?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for such a well written description of your situation.

Im 64yo and had I not had experienced an event in 1983 I’d certainly would have remained in a similar poor state of mind as you are. The “event” was a motivational lecture and in 30 minutes my life had changed course.

You can read it by using the search bar by entering

30 minutes can change your life

Beyond that I became a positive individual. Even with bipolar I see positives like creativity and sensitivity.

I also found some level of spirituality that has made me connect to wisdom and nature. Search-

meditation- he has helped me for 25 years, Maharaji

These new avenues might not be for you, but they illustrate a number of aspects of your life that need attention- motivation, deep thinking and other new discoveries that can change your life forever.

Something to ponder.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Sam124~

Welcome here, your mental state overthinking past present and future events and actions reminds me of me when my anxiety state is at it's worst. Pretty crippling. I've had more luck than you, eventually finding the right combination of medications and therapy, however it was a long stretch to get there.

So now, at least as far as anxiety goes I'm in a pretty good place, still ups and downs but manageable. It takes a great deal determination to keep swapping meds, and even therapists, to get it right.

I do think all the time you have the threat of your parents hanging over your head and desiring their 'approval' is natural, also maybe destructive. Do you think part of the problem is they may not accept your sexuality, in other words accept you as you are? If so then you may feel that they can never approve of you if they find out.

I'm am sure this would permanently aggravate things and lead to feeling most unhappy with yourself.

Part of my improvement was my coping mechanism increased and I found I could handle things I though would be the absolute end -like being invalided out of my career. With you parents what do you think, is it better to be in a sort of permanent threatened limbo or simply tell them and see what happens? You may find either they accept or else you can cope with their reactions.

I'm a parent and I just don't care. If an offspring has a partner who is honest, kind, caring and loves them then what more can one ask for?

Talking of "other medication", I've a feeling, probably quite unjustified, and I apologize in advance, but the main one is alcohol, otherwise illicit drugs. As I'm sure you know, neither is good long-term.

Not having a friend to talk things over with and get understanding and care is hard. You are welcome here plus we do have our own section

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/sexuality-and-gender-identity

Which has a fair number of people, some of whom you might relate to. (Watch the dates, as the thread is a long one, start at the most recent end.

I hope to hear from you again

Croix

[Whatsinaname]

Being a male in his 30s that has dealt with Anxiety since at least his early 20s, probably much earlier in reality, but 20s was my first real panic attack, I know there is still quite a stigma about mens mental health. You're spot on that it is getting better everyday, but it is hard to feel "like a man" and struggle with being embarrassed by a play in the 4th grade.

Trust me when i say I wish I had a miraculous solution for you, but unfortunately I have nothing that you probably haven't heard. Talk to some one, find the right medication, and meditation. I feel a lot of people still think meditation is a bit of hooey, but when it comes to anxiety it can really bring you into the present, which can be extremely satisfying.

Anyway, I wish you the best in your growth and never feel alone, there is some great people on here.