What future?

[Bibbetyboo]

Long story short I didnt do well in school at all. I just wasn’t very good at anything. I could write stories but they were hardly readable due to dyslexia that remained undiagnosed. That also affected my ability to tie my shoes, read a clock and tell the difference between left and right as well as limited me to a grade 3 education in Mathematics. Don’t ask me how i got to year 11.
I had a mental breakdown due to some seriously bad nightmares that went on for a few years in year 12 and dropped out.
I was withdrawn and terribly depressed, my family made fun of me.
Fast forward I’m now 36 and have never improved.
I’m smarter but i am a recluse. I had a addiction issues with alcohol through my 20’s and due to bad anxiety didnt hold down a job.
My family have all but disowned me but were never very loving anyway its where the bulk of my pain comes from.
Now i have left another abusive relationship but this time I have a son.
He’s 10 months and doing very well but i am the shell of a person. I was homeless and pregnant and have only just managed to claw up a roof over our heads. His father is on an IVO and contributes nothing.
I’m saving for a car finally but never learned to drive after many attempts.
I dont know who I am. I have no super, no house or assets I’m nearly 40 and have no idea how to get work without family to help take care of my little boy.
I have no idea what I am going to do now that i care about someone else. If it were just me I wouldn’t even care but I look at how other family’s at least have pets or siblings or a future and i cant even provide that for him.
I love him so much it hurts. I wish i wasn’t such a loser, he deserves better and it’s breaking me into pieces. I am so tired i hardly laugh or smile I’m always sad or angry. I just feel like i wasn’t meant to be for anything and don’t fit anywhere.

[David35]

Don't compare yourself to others. It's a trap I often fall into, which just makes me depressed too. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday, or last week. The race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself. And if you can, stay off alcohol. It's a depressant and typically exaggerates feelings, or so I found anyway. So if you're feeling good, you'll feel better, but if you feel down, you'll feel even worse. It just complicates things. I spent 18 months in AA to get off alcohol and it's the best thing I ever did.

[Bibbetyboo]

Hi David, I dont drink alcohol I have not since before I was pregnant.

In some ways i need to compare to others to know if my sons developments are on track and if i am on track so in some ways it has been healthy to do so.

Things on the update on the other hand for others, my son is about to turn 1 and we are alone in lockdown again.
I am extremely depressed and really run down. I have no playgroups operating and nobody to really talk to.
In response to another post above I have accessed a lot of services including mental health and either every one of them has suddenly closed on me without warning or the free sessions for mental health i was given didnt really lead to any new discovery in fact sometimes had me feeling more frustrated and depressed than I was before.

I am trying my hardest here and not getting any better. Tonight i spent about 10 minutes crying at the dinner table in front of my son while he babbled gently at me as if to say
are you ok” no, no I am not ok and no, I dont know why.

I dont have a diagnosed mental illness and i dont do drugs or alcohol so if people could just get off those topics that’d be great.
This post is about anxiety, not drug abuse.

[Bibbetyboo]

Thank you very much for saying those kind words.

I’m not getting much better actually I’m very depressed and really run down.
We are likely to spend his first birthday in lockdown and have nobody coming to see us.
He jut cut 6 teeth in a row and I’m so run down, i cant explain how hard it is to function. My legs are aching my back is aching. I feel like a monster.

I manage him well and i am eating as much as i can and getting out daily, i have savings aside but I’m still just so fragile parts were just falling away to dispair.

How do i get out of this? I have tried every available support service and while some were able to help financially with our home, i have not really found any consistent support for my mental well-being.
Playgorups are shut down again nobody comes to see us. Friends from the past have poked in but i have found out every one of them was only trying to use me so i have cut them out.
I really want to start fresh but i am so far down this hole i cant figure out how i got here while all i have been doing for the last 2 years is dig my way out.

i have had psychologists, G.P’s jut try and throw antidepressants at me, i am allergic to many of them 9migraine complex) I have changed my diets, my lifestyle removed toxic people tried meditation for over a year i have done everything i can to move this and its come back worse than ever.

[David35]

Sorry I mentioned alcohol, not drugs. Didn't mean to upset you.

[Bibbetyboo]

I’m not upset its just that I have mentioned above that I don’t drink anymore and have overcome that phase of my life. It wasn’t severe enough to require intervention.
I understand you are helping, thank you beautiful soul.

David is my sons name.
I guess I dont really know what I’m asking for anymore since
I can’t identify the problem. Isolation is definitely a thing i cant begin to describe how cruel people have been trying to take advantage of us and the distrust it has caused me to feel in others.

I appreciate you, I’m not upset at your post its just that alcohol isn’t the focus here.

[David35]

Okay. All the best.

[therising]

Hi Bibbetyboo

People such as yourself are exactly the reason why the Australian government triggers me so intensely at times.

Living in Melbourne (currently in our 5th lock down), I've said to my 18yo daughter and 16yo son before every lock down 'Can you see where the government mismanaging COVID in this way is going to take us?' Their response, 'Yeah, we'll be in another lock down soon'. Even after the 1st one, it wasn't hard to see how much these LDs were going to mess with people's mental health. Their serious lack of mental health focus is highly questionable. A strategy which separates people from support is questionable. A stronger border based strategy would make more sense. Anyhow, enough of my rant 🙂

Tranzcrybe offers a vision for you, 'As your son gets older...'. I know it may be hard to believe in the changes that will come but it's possibly the most accurate vision when it comes to change and progress. Being desperate for change right now makes it harder to see the changes that will come with time. Never underestimate how seriously mind altering exhaustion can be. The main reason I gave birth to only 2 kids came down to not the pains of labor but the impact pure exhaustion had on me when they were babies. It contributed to my depression.

I've found that 2 of my greatest teachers in life are my kids. They have taught me a lot over time. I imagine your son will also have a lot to teach you. I believe our kids help us re-learn how to live. I've found, paying close attention is where the lessons come into play. They can be simple lessons yet they're potentially mind altering. I imagine you've learned your son thrives through seeking attention. He cries out for food, for a change (of nappy) to escape discomfort, for play/entertainment and so on. Anyone who says 'Attention seeking is wrong' is questionable. In truth, attention seeking is natural and productive, it gets results. If he's gained the natural ability to self soothe, through a soft toy or a favourite blanket, he's mastered meditating on the sense of touch. If he naturally seeks to channel or connect with a sense of excitement/stimulation, I imagine you've given him resources (objects/toys) through which to channel his excitement and even vent it if it's a little hyperactive. When he comes to walk, he will naturally seek any form of solid support in order to gain a greater sense of balance.

Kids are brilliant teachers, sages and therapists. What does your son teach you?

🙂

[Bibbetyboo]

What a wonderful response and I appreciate the life experience you have taken time to share.

My son has taught me a lot yes, all in the 9 months pregnancy and labour considerably about where I was going wrong in life pre-baby and how. I still have a crippling sense of self doubt regularly and fear that i cant support a future for him.
He has taught me about my vulnerability’s and where my strengths are and how specific that can be.
I have been having a lot of nightmares about my past I suppose the 9+11 months has brought on a lot of healing and I find bad dreams can often be a part of that.
I sometimes wake up in my head and kind of down about having to psychicly re-live the things I want to leave behind or that I didn’t even know mattered anymore or even forgot about but am suddenly feeling a sense of loathing or guilt about myself piled on the daily pressures of solo child rearing and keeping myself together.
I am also finding myself as an adult becoming really lonely. While having a son does fill me with a forever sense of love and wholesomeness I often don’t feel I have anyone to rest on.
There is no family or aditional friends in my life. The family story is complex cold and harsh and I have tried many times to understand and even repair that issue but it cant be solved, I’m just not convenient for them or too hard.

It still hurts knowing that the people who are meant to unconditionally love me just dont, never did or simply can’t the way I have always needed and now I have to give that to someone else without ever having had it.
I have had to completely re-wire myself from being a lost addicted homeless mindset to a stable responsible striving parent in a short time without any help and thats ok to a degree i am managing and at times find myself in awe of myself but the lack of support and softness just for me in my life is starting to hurt, a lot.

The nature of the time while seeming to present as supportive and inclusive i have found is anything but unless I am willing to present myself as someone I am not being truely different is all kinds of outcast at this time, more than it has ever been and its getting harder to find legitimate places and people to turn to.

[therising]

Hi Bibbetyboo

Sounds like your son is raising you in incredible ways, especially when it comes to finding the best in yourself. I've found vulnerability, to a degree, to also be about finding the best in myself. It's like just when you think you can do 'emotional detachment' in life (which can be convenient at times), cue the feelings that come with vulnerability/sensitivity. I suppose sensitivity's a reminder of our true nature.

Was saying to my 16yo son just yesterday how I believe there are 3 significant parts to us: The child, the commander and the nurturer. While the child in us can be curious, adventurous, highly imaginative and easily hurt, the commander is the aspect that dictates 'Okay soldier, get it together and get on with this.There are changes to make, things to do and nothing's going to get done with you just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, imagining the worst'. I find it often feels like the nurturer has gone on holiday. This is the part that dictates 'Life can be incredibly hard and you are navigating the hardship/challenges to the best of your ability, under the circumstances. Be kinder to yourself as you navigate. Don't lose sight of the fact you are allowed to feel sorrow for yourself, with every stage of letting go of something in life. While you're grieving some lost sense of self, be kind to your true self in the lead up to making better sense of things'. If all 3 are working in harmony, life's great. If not, I find it can feel like I'm some over sensitive little kid with a harsh emotionally detached disciplinarian in tow. The nurturing aspect of our self is so incredibly important.

Not sure if you're still in lock down. Us Melbourne folk can be feeling like human yo-yos. Going into a lock down, you can feel the down side of a lack of human contact, a lack of excitement, a lack of adventure and so on. Out we come into reconnecting, our usual go to forms of what can vibe us up, new resources/ventures we have the freedom to participate in. Down we go again, into lock down and then out we come. Up and down, in and out, over and over. Wondering if you can make lock down a planning stage, where research is done. Can you imagine what play groups you and your son might like to join for support outside of lock down?

Nightmares...hmm. There are times where I'd love to scream at my brain 'Stop giving me such cryptic messages that mess with me. Just flat out show me what I need to do next in life as I'm working so hard to evolve'.

🙂