what am I doing

[dougall]

I do not know how to use this site and was looking for someone just to chat with.  I suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal quite a few times over the past 2years.  I have a husband who left because he did not want to know and kept saying get over it already.  Have a son who copes by hiding in his room playing games.  Have no family all abroad.  Find myself trying to push myself out of the quick sand and occasionally slipping under.  Made a promise to son so have not gone as far as I have wanted to.  Had counseling for 12 months. just don't know where or what to do as anxiety stops me from talking to total strangers.  Very lonely and confused as to what is expected of me.

[dougall]

Goodmorning Hideaway I am fine it a has felt like I was going through an extreme storm and I am now in light showers so I am so much better thank you.  How are you and do you have any plans for the day?

[dougall]

Well I just went for a walk to the bank to check my balance then strolled over to the beach.  The water was so calm, horses were being exercised, people walking their dogs and just walking.  I looked at the water and thought how calm and inviting it was, I wanted some of that peace and calm.  I looked again and saw things struggling under the surface to keep hold, shells being buffeted by the tide flow, jellyfish.  It felt like I was looking in a mirror on the surface I look calm and composed yet underneath there is an eb and flow of emotions I am trying to deal with.  I have my son to go back to so I headed home.  If my son was not here then I know no one would have noticed if I had gone, I don't mean on here I mean where I live.  The reason I am typing this is because the only contact I have with anyone is on here and I am feeling extremely vulnerable and exposed.  I am retreating back into myself and I don't want to do that.  I made the first step about 4 months ago to engage with people now I feel I am right back to the beginning and having to get the courage to take that step again. 

[HA1]

Glad to hear that you are feeling a little better Dougall.

My day will be quiet.  Feeling very tired after coming down from my feel-good days earlier in week. Quick to pop my meds this morning 🙂  Might go to gym later.

Have a good one,

K

[dougall]

Hi Hideaway what kind of gym work do you do?  I bought my son a punching bag for his birthday as I was fed up finding dents in the wall and fridge.  He found out that it hurts with no gloves on.  I want to get toned for my birhday, tried it for my 50th you know 50, fit and fabulous ha ha, I did not get there for my 50th.  I don't know what you could say for a 54th maybe will worn in and half fabulous ha ha I will think of something before my birthday which is Christmas Eve unless you can come up with a saying for me.

[HA1]

Hi Dougall

Could not motivate myself enough to go to gym today, but normally go 4 days a week.  My work out on any day depends on my mood.  If I am in an introspective mood, then I tend to get on a bike and read about 'spiritual enlightenment' - I have a lot of texts. If my mood needs a more physical workout, then in tend to do circuit work. I do so much walking anyway, so I don't need to go on treadmill at all.

You know it's funny, I have never thought about my age.  I do what I can do and if in the right mood, push myself pretty hard.  I don't change my approach to fit with age.  Always been pretty fit, even though I have had some unhealthy habits (when I drank alcohol, I just worked out a lot harder).

Exercise and gym work is very addictive, it gets the right chemicals working in our brain - helps with the 'imbalance' many of us have.  So the more I do, the more I want to do. I get angry with myself when I don't have motivation to go to gym.  But I did go for a long walk in the sun.

Dougall, if you are not a regular in gym, then just start off by walking at a good pace for an hour or so every day.  Just make sure you get your heart rate up.  Then look around the house/ apartment that you live in for things that might help you with floor type exercises. Very cheap alternative to gym.  I did that for many many years - run, walk and floor exercises at home. Only more recently have I started to use gym.  apologies for the gratuitous advice. Just talking.

Glad to 'see' that you appear much better today.  

Take care

K

[dougall]

Hi hideaway you put a smile on my face when I noticed the post.  I used to have a home gym and used it to get my arm moving after and operation.  I had frozen shoulder and bursitis so could not move my arm at all.  I have been fit most of my life I was only joking about  50 and fit.  I do not drive so have to walk everywhere and carry the shopping back home up hills.  I have two dogs so have to take them a walk separately.  I do floor exercises and other stuff.  One time a doctor told me I had very strong stomach muscles, weird but he did.  Many years ago I belonged to a gym and went on a regular basis and cycled to work everyday, 8k's a day.  You like books on spiritual enlightenment?  I also have many books on similar subjects, do the tarot cards for myself, I am a cynic though.  I don't do them for other people as I know how easy it is for them to take it on face value and believe everything they are told, I don't do that.  I know there is a higher power, don't know what it is but I know it's there.  Everything happens for a reason.  If I had not come on this forum then I would not have met you and felt safe.  I love dancing but I do not have anyone to dance with and if you go out to a nightclub then all the young ones look at you as if to say really.  I don't care as I will dance even if no one else does.  My ex used to just let me go as he did not like dancing at all, actually he did not like to do anything I liked to do, don't know how we lasted 17 years.  Ah yes I do I was looking after the kids whilst he was working so we did not see each other much.  Now the kids are a lot older nothing in common funny how you don't see it.  I'm glad your day has been productive.

[HA1]

Hey Dougall - I'm glad I made you smile. 

Tarot cards!!! Wow!  Can you read your own cards?

I tend to call anything that makes me, or teaches me, to think about issues 'spiritual enlightenment' or philosophy.  My current read is Eckhart Tolle's books.  Also like the sound of Aristotle, just scratching the surface there. There are many others including the book Silence the Mind.  Ohh, and anything by Leonard Cohen (music, poetry, etc.) !

Take care

K

[dougall]

Good morning Hideaway hope your night went well, I have woke up to a beautiful pink blue sky so it should be a lovely day.  I read things that are a little out there for some people so don't tell many people.  I told my mum I did tarot cards and she went all ancient on me, told my kids not to tell people at school.  I don't believe in witches or spells.  I think the most interesting one was about the Celtic belief about what was around you and if you seen a specific animal, bird or insect it meant something.  It is just amazing if you keep an open mind what you can see and learn.  Being Scottish I would have Robert Burns poetry ha ha, I also have my sons poetry he wrote.  I love having conversations about philosophy, religion anything that other people shy away from as I am curious why they believe what they believe.  I don't argue or make fun of them I am just trying to understand why they believe it and what I can learn from them.  My daughter made me proud of myself a few weeks ago by saying it was the way I brought them up that they could cope with someone passing, I was so surprised that they had taken this on board.  Ever since they were little I have told them that there is nothing that can hurt them, I mean in the spiritual kind, and they have become aware of things and don't judge.  When I unpack my books, in a rental, have so many I will give you the titles of some of them you might find interesting.  Have one about how Tibetan monks get themselves ready for death.  Have to go will chat later, enjoy your day.

[dougall]

Hi Pete hope you are okay have not heard from you for a while, tried to find your original post, can you tell  me so I can leave messages for you, thanks.

[HA1]

Hi Dougall

Nice that you had a good start to the day.  Hope it continued that way.

It really sounds like you have an interesting collection of books.  Look forward to hearing some of the titles that you might recommend.  Yes, isn't it nice when the kids say something that reflects well on us parents. You are a good parent.

I feel pretty awful at the moment, but hoping that it gets better soon (tonight!!!).  I'll try and keep busy on here tonight - looks like a lot of posts today. 

Take care & stay happy.

K