:(

[Fairmaiden64]

I was diagnosed 17 years ago with Major Depression and Generalised Anxiety disorder. But I can remember feeling this way over 40 years ago. I am on anti depressants which appear to work for the depression side of things but all of the different anxiety disorders are off the wall. I awake filled with terror every morning, some days unable to get out of bed at all. It is difficult to explain to anyone. Every second of life is just terrifying for me. I don't know why. Nothing has just happened. I just know it will. I don't cope well with any difficult situation arising. I always have a "doomed" feeling. I try not to be negative, but I've always been a worrier, even as a little girl. I have experienced that those things "unlikely" to happen, always do in my life and so my brain needs to always prepare for the very worst scenario. I have OCD to the extreme. It sometimes takes me days to clean a room because it needs to be as close to perfect as possible. I have in fact, had a nervous breakdown over this not happening several times. Sometimes, I just let things go in a way that others don't. Because I can't do things "by halves". I wish so much I could just look at that cleaning job and 'let it go' saying 'that's enough'. Because of this pressure on myself, I procrastinate immensely. This makes me seem lazy. But I just want to be a good person. I come from a very abusive and critical background, where I was always told that "near enough is NOT good enough". I was relieved when I finally left home, although I was 19, I still call it "running away", not "moving out". I was told that if I left I was never to come back, even though it was required for my job. Despite leaving this behind me, my life has been littered with DV situations. I left the last one 6 and a half years ago and made the decision to live alone, without a relationship for the first time in life. I like living alone, I am not a social person and don't understand how to be, and in most things relating to behaviour, I don't understand "where the line is". I did try to obtain help with medication for my anxiety issues but the G.P said I was on the highest possible amount he could give me, of this anti depressant. I was given something extra, but it was only to be used if absolutely necessary due to being addictive. So its been useless to me, because I need a regular medication. I have had to go onto Centrelink which does not even cover my rent, but I do want to go back to work asap. Unfortunately, you're now thrown in with job providers. I've just started out with one for disability (DES) and he treated me in an outrageous fashion. My eyes were swollen shut when I left there. The expectation that I be fully functional for a job right now is an impossiblity when I struggle to get to the shower. There is no money for the doctor, or a psychiatrist or psychologist, or anyone who can help with medication for the terrorising, debilitating anxiety I feel 24/7. Let alone for medical certificates that they want. I even went to emergency at the local hospital for a medical certificate for them for the 3 months they are asking for, but they said they couldn't give me one, after waiting for hours and hours with many many people pushing my social phobia over the top. I came home and vomited.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fairmaiden64,  Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.   If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.   Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Dean07]

Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. 
Wow, you have been through a lot.  Childhood trauma can leave long lasting effects. 
I have been diagnosed with GAD and I have to say it’s not much fun. At times I seem to go from one worry to another. I’ve tried medication, CBT along with reading books on the subject. They all help to some degree. I’m off medication now and rely on therapy and reading. 
I attended a Trauma and Anxiety Clinic. The therapist used Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which I found helpful.  It works by accepting the thoughts and making room for them in your mind rather than trying to stop them. Over a very short time my worries became less frequent because I spent less time thinking about them. I attached less emotional energy to each worry than I normally would so my brain less attention to them. 

Hope you start to feel less anxious. 

[David35]

For day to day chores, near enough IS usually good enough. I'm a perfectionist. I've always loved working with numbers. They're very precise and exact. But for day to day things that mentality doesn't work well. Perfectionism is really the fear of failure. We're worried about what others may think. The reality is that most people don't care. I make wooden kids furniture and sometimes I obsess about the finish. But in the end, it's just for kids. It's not fine furniture. Kids wouldn't notice if there are a few runs or blotches and the parents don't care. It's all about perspective. It takes time to let go though of high standards, especially if you've grown up with them

[therising]

Hi Fairmaiden64

I give you so much credit for being such an amazing person in all the ways you've raised yourself through challenge, beginning at such a young age. You really are an incredible person. My heart goes out to you as you continue to face overwhelming challenges that impact your life so deeply. I can imagine you feel just so incredibly exhausted, given all the stress and a lack of people making things easier.

I recall last year when I was experiencing anxiety for the 1st time in my life at the age of 52. While I'm a gal who's managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, anxiety appeared to come from out of the blue and I just couldn't figure out why. It was my daughter who mentioned the 3rd stage of General Adaptation Syndrome, as being the result of uninterrupted stress: Fatigue, burnout, depression, anxiety and decreased tolerance to stress. I ticked every box and when looking over the lead up to how I felt, it made complete sense. While I'd always been able to tolerate stressful challenges, the challenges I'd been trying to manage were far more complex than what I was used to. I'd basically reached a point of hypervigilance, waiting for the next stressor, waiting for another problem, waiting for the next thing to go wrong etc etc. I'd begun living in a state of dread. The tiniest of challenges became overwhelming, such as finding the time to go to the shop to get bread. It would lead me to tears on occasion. Even the ring of my phone would trigger my nervous system, as I expected another problem on the other end of the line. Hypervigilance can be so overwhelming and so incredibly exhausting. In a state of pure exhaustion and with our nervous system ramped up to 100, our tolerance levels can be so unbelievably low when there's just no relief. And then there is the question 'Why the heck is no one making my life easier, offering me some form of relief?'.

To demand relief can be a hard thing to do. For example, to demand (thoughtfully) 'You need to find me such a super low stress lot of jobs to choose from so the job actually comes as some form of relief'. If the response you get is something along the lines of 'You'll take what we give you', your response could be 'Do not give me jobs to seek out that I just will not be able to tolerate. It's your job to find me positions I can work with'. If you need to be specific with the job search agency, seek only jobs that are in small shops, for example, where there are not a lot of people coming through, there is another staff member managing for support and the clientele are typically friendly. Something like a Salvation Army store. Or maybe jobs where you're working with animals instead of highly triggering types of people. Only accept jobs that feel like some form of relief from stress. Bit of a Goldilocks challenge (Too hot, too cold, just right). You deserve a break, you really do. People really need to start stepping up for you. How would you begin demanding that they do?