Trying to be brave

[Girlbond_007]

Hi everyone I am new to the forums here and want to share my story.

I started suffering bouts of anxiety and panic attacks when I was pre teen, now 20 years later it is getting to the point of ruining my quality of life and I am now experiencing my first real bout of depression. My mind constantly races and focuses on the things I dread happening in the future and now I have a toddler to add to the mix. I worry to excess about most things and cannot deal with change at all. Fairly certain I have some form of OCD with illnesses as well as having control of my life and situations. 

I am finding mornings the worst, waking early and having anxious/ depressive thoughts which don't seem to some what wear off as the day progresses. I work from home which I think is a god send at the moment as I think I would go nuts not having something else to occupy my brain. 

I am seeking help from a new GP and soon a new Psychologist. However I am very disappointed that no GP in the Ost has bothered to look into my anxiety further and just prescribed me the usual Ssri or snri drugs which I don't believe are helping much. My new gp has suggested mood enhancing drugs possibly with an antipsychotic which kind of freaks me out and I am wondering if anyone else is on a plan something like this.

i just want it all to go away and stop.

thanks for listening.

[Paul]

Hey Girlbond, welcome and thanks for sharing your story!

It's bloody frightening when things start to intensify and interfere more with life, especially when we just want it to go away and leave us alone. Depression and anxiety sucks, it's tiring, scary and lonely 😞

I'm really glad to read that you're going to see a psychologist and that at least you've seen a GP or several. I'm not 100% on the medications that the latest Dr proposes, but there is some info on this site about medicines that might help answer the questions you have. At the top of the page "The facts" then "Treatment options" I think is where the info is.

Being brave is awesome, being kind to yourself is awesome too.

I hope you feel better soon. I know it's horrible feeling wanting it to just stop and go away.

Stay in touch.

Paul

[Missmia]

Hi Giirlbond,

i am so sorry you are suffering such awful symptoms that impact so much on the quality of your life.

i thought I should tell you about the medication experiences of two people I know very well. One is a close friend and the other is a close relative.

 My close friend was initially diagnosed as having depression by a GP and referred to a psychologist. No medication was prescribed and my friend began to self-medicate with alcohol. Things continued to go downhill until my friend was referred to a psychiatrist. At fist I was shocked by my friend's reports of the many and various drugs that were prescribed.

However, over a period of time, and as a result of the experimentation, a combination of certain drugs has been identified as the optimum for my friend. These include an antidepressant, an antispasmodic and drug which is used only when needed to correct my friend's sleep cycle.

I can only say that the changes in my friend have been wonderful to see. Observing all this has completely changed my attitude to medication. (Although not all treating doctors are so skilful or so committed.)

My daughter started out in a similar way, being referred by a GP to a psychologist. Ultimately she crashed, and I suggested she ask for a referral to my frien's psychiatrist. Again she was given trials of various drugs until the psych was satisfied that she had the right mix. Her current regime is an antidepressant, a medication for ADHD (previously undiagnosed), and a tranquilliser for occasion short term use. 

 My daughter's life is much more comfortable now and she is improving all the time. I believe this improvement would not have occurred without the drugs, and the psychiatrist's commitment to finding the right type and combination for the particular patient.

 So those are my observations. 

 It is a shame that doctors often just hand out the same antidepressant to everyone. It isn't a case of one size fits all, as they seem to assume.

I hope you find the best possible treatment, starting with a specific diagnosis. Ask for treatment of your OCD as well as anxiety and depression. If you are not sleeping well, ask for that to be treated. If occasional use of a tranquilliser would help get you through the worst patches, ask about that.

It must be so hard, especially with a toddler to care for. 

I really hope things improve for you very soon. There is every chance they will, with new treatment by new medicos. 

My very best wishes.

[ci]

Girlbond 007 hi I'm new to all this but seem to have felt the need to post a few times.

You sound so much like me and I had to post and say your so brave to ask for help and to try new meds. I have had anxiety for long time as well but about 2 years ago I started to develop fullon  ocd issues I hide them instead of face them along with the depression I'm know at breaking point and I can't function which is very hard I also work from home I think this helped keep my brain active but at the point I'm at now it has isolated me. 

It can be so hard to be a parent with this issue I also have kids so I understand how hard that can be. 

I can't give advice on meds I'm just starting down that track I  just wanted to post and say please don't get give up if takes a while to get med right this won't go away on its own believe me I tried and hoped it would and I've made a mess of myself

[Dwwmills]

Hello Bondgirl.

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s definitely not much
fun living with anxiety.

I too think it’s great that you’re seeing a psychologist and
I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist as well as they are very skilled in
dealing with medications.

I can speak from experience that medication linked with a
good psychologist can have very good results. I had anxiety on and off the last
40 years. I resisted medications up until about 2 years ago. I decided that I’d
had enough of anxiety and I was going to beat it the matter what it took. I was
on medication for almost 18 months whilst I did intensive cognitive based
therapy. I no longer see the psychiatrist or the psychologist but I still
practice CBT by myself.

My daughter had severe OCD about 10 years ago when she was
8. We decided to see a psychiatrist as a psychology alone was very slow. The
psychiatrist prescribed a couple of medications for my daughter and overnight,
it was like flicking a switch. The OCD symptoms reduced significantly which
allowed us to use a cognitive based therapy more effectively. At the end of the
year we tapered off the medications altogether and now 10 years later she has
no signs of OCD whatsoever.

We are both doing well now but find at times we still have
to go back to basics and look at our thinking if we feel anxious for some
reason.

I too work from home and I find it is a double-edged sword.
It’s nice being home but I do find it isolating at times. I’m lucky that I have
people that do the same type of work as I do that offered me space in their
workshops from time to time. This has been a game changer for me as I come away
after a few days feeling completely invigorated and ready to tackle work again.

I hope things feel better for you soon.

[Bluey_moon]

Hi bond girl, 

You are brave sharing your story and I'm sure you will receive great support here. 

Im not sure about medications. For me an SSRI is working wonders for me (I have anxiety with some OCD tendencies). I have just started on them for the second time, I've been on them a little over three weeks. 

i did see a psychiatrist, and I am now seeing my psycologist and gp who are both wonderful! 

I think trusting the doctors is important and if you can't try to change Drs. 

 Not sure if will help you but I also find the book the happiness trap helpful and acceptance therapy. 

I hope that you find the right balance and hangin there with the right treatment there is light! 

[Girlbond_007]

Thank you so much everyone, it is such a hard time in my life but just knowing I'm not alone and that a light at the end of the tunnel will eventually come. I agree working from home is isolating but I do get to spend time with my daughter and also get to go into the office once every  with her to do filing. Thank you all for your support.

[Girlbond_007]

Thank you for your reply Paul, I am finding it hard most days at the moment  to be able to just be there for my little one especially when she wants to talk to me or play. I have no energy and am just so down. It's hard explaining to a 3 year old that mummy is sad again today.  On top of that I have to find the motivation to eat which I just don't want to do right now and turn on my computer to do a bit of work. My mood seems to get better in the afternoon as I look forward to my husband coming home from work. I just wish I could switch this all off.

[Girlbond_007]

Hi Ci, it is so hard when you have children to look after especially when you can't seem to look after yourself. I have no energy right now to want to play or interact with her sometimes and it makes me feel so sad and guilty. I can't eat properly and find it difficult to prepare meals for my family sometimes as I can't bare the sight of food sometimes. Thank you for sharing I hope your road becomes easier. The hardest part is asking for help.

[ci]

Hi bondgirl007 

Read your last post had to say you are definitely not alone in being to exhausted to interact and play with your daughter it's horrible can totally relate I'm the same I find that a lot of the time I'm not really here my brain switches off and I'm disconnected I feel terrible guilt and sadness that I'm not able to enjoy the time with them that I should. 

Food is also hard for me bringing on more guilt not able to look after my family the way I should. Please don't ever feel alone your not! 

Do you have support of family and friends?