Today has been one of those days, the ones we dread, the ones we fear.
I had to go seekfinancial help, I have never been in that type of situation before. I felt embarrassed. I started panicking during the night, when I couldnt sleep, it was just after 2.00am, and I didnt ettled until after midnight. I could switch the dread and fear off and as I started my morning routine it ramped up, and then the fear and anxiety joined in. OMG it was awful.
I finally made it to the office, but there were people everywhere and that didnt help either, (I have a fear of being in close proximity to people I dont know and places unknown to me). The lovely lady I saw must have thought I was a right nut case, stammering, shaking, sweating, unable to say anything intelligent, and getting worse as I tried. Eventually though we got it sorted, and I was able to retreat to my room, alone.
I have never had to deal with panic and anxiety at these levels. It scared me, and that made it worse. I felt sick, sick to the pit of my stomach, embarrassed that I have been reduced to this, angry that my late husband has been the cause, and with these emotions, my anxiety and panic start again and the fear for myself, my sanity, my well being ramp up, until I feel like I cant breath, my head roars, I sweat, I want to pass out. And each attack gets worse.
So what do I do?? I succumb to my feelings and retreat in to myself. And loneliness steps in to join me, and self loathing, and hatred of me and who I am, and then I panic, my fear of tomorrow and the day after, and the one after that, it all gets bigger and bigger, and my ability to cope gets less and less, and that worries and scares me.
I am alone in life. Too scared to go out. The friends I had have dwindled, some were not confortable with me and my mental health, insert anxiety panic attacks here, and some I just let go as I realised they were toxic, and here comes panic and anxiety and questioning what kind of person I am.
And I dont know what to do.
I hate these feelings, the overwhelming anxiety and panic, but I dont know what to do, and I am realizing that they are becoming my norm and it's not normal, and I hate it.
Even as i write this i am fighting within myself, that i will be judged and looked down on because of my emotions, and fear is setting in and a panic attack is starting to build up.
Does anyone understand? Has it happened to you? Or am I alone, adrift in a sea of fear, panic and anxiety. Its help!!
