Tired.

[coco123]

I feel very tired at work and at home. I've tried my best to get on everything, but nothing seems to work out that well. I've spent so many hours applying for several research grants and fellowships, within a year. I have embarrassed myself sending emails here and there looking for a host institution that I can do a bit of research. Sadly, all have been rejected or no replies. I can't do anything without any funds! I need something worthy for my CV too, every year. At home, it's no different. I just can't trust my husband. I have been wary and suspicious once in a while. (He has a history of cheating on me before). He said I shouldn't be worried about an old friend. All other random young females on his facebook are just models, that he may do some photoshoots with. And, I just embarrassed myself, my students walk into my office and saw my watery eyes. I'm tired. Really tired of everything at the moment.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Coco123,

Thank you for posting. As someone that has no higher education I am sorry I do not have the knowledge to give any salient advice on your academic situation. As a father of five with more than a few relationships to my credit (?) it sounds like whatever is going on for your husband and yourself needs some professional help. 

Even if there is nothing wrong, your perception ends up being your reality, and if he has a history of infidelity, it is difficult to not be suspicious.

Do you know if he is prepared to see a counsellor with you? Maybe just having some boundaries around his behaviour that are consistent with drawing clear lines between personal and professional relationships will help you immensely. 

I know that in my relationships, I have always resolved issues in favour of my partner, so if an old friend was causing a rift in the relationship, I would ensure that things were done to remove that perception. I'm not saying we all have to be like that and there are plenty of relationships that have little in the way of exclusivity or even any pretense of commitment, but at some point individuals must choose what is acceptable in a relationship to them. It seems your husband knows that infidelity will not cause you to leave so how that threat might be managed in the future is something only you can decide, with or without professional help.

Please keep posting. You deserve to feel safe in your relationship and I am happy, like so many others on this site, to respond to your posts and provide support.

Kind regards, John.

[coco123]

Thank you very much John for your kind advise. I really appreciate it.

[turtl3]

hi coco

im not sure how helpful my input will be but ill give my advice and you may do with it as you please :). like john, i have no higher education, but your actually trying to achieve something with your life by seeking funding. its probably nothing you are doing directly, it wont be your resume. personally i think it will be more or less the fact that majority of the world is still recovering from the gfc/economic downturn. countless people have lost jobs and companies just arent spending money atm. best to keep applying and keep your chin up, because if you stop applying your guaranteed not to get the funding.

Its unfortunate you feel that you dont/cant trust your husband. and something that can only be overcome by discussing and overcoming the underlying issue. the quicker its solved, the better off your relationship will be, otherwise it will just snowball. I personally hate facebook, alot of people have an unhealthy addiction to it, ive seen it cause numerous arguements and destroy relationships. I can see why you worry about your husband as he has a history, it also sounds like he might be surrounded by temptation (for lack of a better word). if your both on the same level and happy with each other, temptation shouldnt be an issue at all, if theres distrust and a sense of unhappiness it can often drive people apart. Maybe  meeting the 'old friend' will help you to gauge what kind of a person she is and eliminate the worry factor.

maybe try to see a relationship councillor with your husband. trust and love are the foundation of a strong relationship. more importantly try to focus on getting a good nights sleep. it can turn into a very vicious cycle, lack of sleep, anxiety and depression

[Pounce]

Hi Coco, I used to be in academia, I understand how tough it is. And the more grants you don't get the more grants you can't get. Plus no job security makes life as a research fellow VERY stressful. It is not a weakness to feel overwhelmed, to get depressed, or to cry. A good cry can be a welcome release. Anyway, my answer was to leave the world of academia and go into pathology. Now I'm in r&d and have a good balance of routine and research work. There are other options than academia 🙂