TIRED OF FEELING WORTHLESS

[Huggybear]

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years. My partner and I were together for 22yrs, then seperated as he wanted to leave. i was on my own for 10yrs, then I lost my job, couldn't find anything quick enough, had to sell my home i was in for 35yrs, then struggled to find a rental property before i had to hand over the house to  buyer. I had spoken to my ex and told him to collect some things that were his, as i was selling. He offered me a room to rent in his home until i find something, which i was very grateful for.

I had been here 2 weeks, when he proposed to me. I refused, and was not in my right mind after what i had just gone through. He said he had changed, and I actually believed him. He has bipolar, he has been using coercive control since i got here, and last year i had to have emergency surgery for a cerebral aneurysm and subarachnoid hemorrhage. i was given a 40% chance of coming through, and I didn't care if i didn't. I was so over dealing with the ex. The 2 weeks ago, he just out of the blue said" i made a mistake, I want you to leave" to this day I have had no explaination as to why, what did i do" nothing!

so now i am frantically packing my things, and trying so hard to find a rental to get out of here, I keep out of his sight, so I don't get verbally attacked, as he can be very cruel with his words. I was told by the nuero surgeon did i suffer with anxiety/depression i said yes, he said that was probably the cause!

I had to fend for myself when I came home, still had to do my housework and cook, nothing changed.

it was hard to walk, and speak, and eat at that time, but I got through it and have done well! But I have no life, I go nowhere, he does his own thing. I have supported myself with my savings from day 1, and he has needed money although he works, and I buy the food each week. How can some people just go on like nothing has happened, and have no feelings as to what they have done. I feel used, worthless, no confidence, alone, walking on egg shells, don't feel safe and secure. All I have ever wanted is peace and happyness, yet is so hard to achieve. You feel so alone, you wonder what you have done. im 60yrs old and now I have to rebuild again. Will I ever find that peace, I so believe I deserve?

[ecomama]

Welcome to the forums Huggybear. Thankyou for sharing what's been going on for you. 

I'm so grateful to hear that you've been healing from the surgery you had last year, wow! What a miracle they caught this in time! Hugs. 

I'm also super grateful that you'll be moving out and away from this person's home. 

If it took decades of build up to contribute to the health conditions you had, it's wonderful that that will be out of your life! 
A true Blessing in disguise. 

You ask if you will ever find peace. 
I believe if we look OUTSIDE of ourselves for peace, in the external physical environment around us, then I doubt that will ever happen for anyone TBH. In this case the answer would be no.  

Indeed if we look INSIDE of ourselves, we absolutely can. In this case the answer is a resounding YES! 

Same answers when wanting peace and happiness. It's inside us all along. 

Sometimes "life" jolts us and JOLTS us till we have nothing left. We feel like we've hit rock bottom. 
As I say, it's at this moment, the only way is UP. 

It's up to us to make these changes of course. 

Wishing you all the best in your new accommodation. 
From there I truly believe your best healing journey begins. 

Let us know how you're getting on, 
Love EM

[Sophie_M]

Dear Huggybear
 
Thank you for posting this evening Huggybear, we just wanted to pop in and echo ecomama's beautiful words of support, this truly sounds like the start of your healing journey.

Relationships can be so difficult to navigate at the best of times and it can be so hard when you are in such one that leaves you feeling used, worthless and walking on eggshells.  With some support you will find your inner peace again, we thought that the following resources might be helpful for you to draw upon and to perhaps gain some more insight into recovery as you move forward: 

1800 RESPECT Click Here or call 1800 737 732 and also
1800 RESPECT Chat online Click Here
 
If ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat Click Here .  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Once again Huggybear, thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M
 

[Huggybear]

thankyou so much, for your kind words

And as you said, its up to us to make changes, i have done this before, and I know I will overcome this again.   I'm just older, and very tired , and the not knowing where I will be for the future makes me so depressed sometimes, i'v lost so much more this time around. 

I will let you know how it goes 

love Huggy

[Huggybear]

thankyou Sophie

I have already been on the chat to talk to somebody, and I did appreciated that!

THis time around I have used many avenues for help, which I didn't first time around. I will continue to do that for assisstance dealing with this.

thankyou again

love Huggybear

[quirkywords]

Huggy bear thanks for feedback. I am a bit o,der than you have to decide to leave longish relationship or stay with a controlling person. It is hard when people toy with our emotions.

Feel free to post as we are listening and you have helped others read your words who no longer feel alone

[Huggybear]

thankyou so much.

I did do some courses on Bipolar and Narcisim , to help myself cope better, it is hard to not try to defend yourself or ask questions why!

but what I found that gives me some peace, is to not engage in any particular topics, just keep the conversation light, about everyday things. It stops him from arguing or putting me down, or blaming me.

But I am happy to go, I would rather be on my own and face what I have to face, than feel so anxious here all the time, with no choices in life.

I am scared about the future, but it has to take the weight off my shoulders that I carry

All our decisions are hard to make, because we become so numb where we are, and acustomed to that life, but we don't deserve it, and there has to be something better away from it.

Bless you Quirkywords

stay safe