Thinking The Worst

[Sally-Anne]

At this moment I am feeling stressed, anxious and my heart feels like it’s pumping faster than usual. I’m not in any physical danger, it’s just how I’m feeling. 
Im a mother, wife and grandparent. Obviously, we experience various levels of stress that comes with family. However, I sometimes feel helplessness and I have no voice but just words and actions going on in my head. They involve negative occurrences that I manifest as a consequence to an issue occurring in my life. I’ve seen psychologists over the years for different reasons but have never really been able to get relief from any sessions. Or, I’m just not able to express my thoughts concisely. Either way, I feel emotional pain and struggle to think positively. My issues involve not being able to express my thoughts because I fear the consequences of my real voice. Why you may think. The reason is, I have experienced a close relative who suicided and I still feel blame. I have a real fear most of the time that one of my loved ones will suicide because they can’t get on with life or whatever they are experiencing. This may sound over exaggerated but it’s how I think. I’m currently taking medication for anxiety and the Dr says this is the best drug for me but I wondered if it really is. 
There is a lot more going on in my life and it would take a while to explain but for now. I hope to read other people’s thoughts and opinions.

[Richju]

Dear Sally-Anne,

Thank you for your brave post, which I'm sure many of us can identify with.

Overcoming trauma such as you mention takes time, especially dealing with the anxiety of a similar thing happening again.

You mention your guilt feelings but are you really guilty? I'm 73 and, until recently, I feet guilty about something that happened when I was about 2 years old. It has taken all this time and much misery to realise that none if this was my fault.

To deal with my anxiety I exercise regularly, even if it's just a short daily walk. I practise regular meditation, trying to live in the now and avoid attaching to my negative thoughts. Instead I just let them come and go, rather like cars on the street. Just as we wouldn't stop each car, there is no need to examine each thought.

This all takes practise but, while I'm practising, I'm not worrying. The smiling mind website has been vert useful.

Sally-Anne, I hope this is helpful to you and I encourage you to post again. We are here to listen and to support you in your small steps towards recovery.

 Big hugs for a brave person,

Richju xxxxx