The Vicious Cycle

[Mel...]

Where do I start...?

I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have been on anti depressants for approx. 5 years now and have had to change them once before. The process was treacherous; dizziness, withdrawals, fevers. I couldn't go to work. 

I haven't had a panic attack in years until this week. They seem to last for days. I cant eat properly due to the nausea, I feel like I am constantly shaking. Perfectly rational situations make me a sobbing mess and I cant seem to get out of my head. I get anxious that I might have a panic attack which then causes a panic attack and I can't tell if it was because I was actually anxious or not - the vicious cycle. 

Im seeing a uni counsellor and my doctor, they both seem to think my medication has stopped working. This upsets me as I felt like I was getting better and now I feel like I am back where I started.

I don't want to have to go through the process of changing my medication again and I don't understand why they just stop working. Im so tired, I just want to feel normal. I just want my normal life back. 

[JessF]

Hi Mel, it's terrible when the rollercoaster happens, isn't it? I have been where you are a few times, the changing of medications, the feeling of being back to the start again, but eventually I came to realise that I am one of these people who will have these symptoms come and go throughout my life, a bit like someone who has a really bad knee or a hip injury that comes back to haunt them.  Why do meds stop working? I don't know the exact answer, but I think our bodies are like a chemistry set, the make up of the chemicals are constantly changing, and sometimes the pills we use to try and balance things up lose their effectiveness.  Our life circumstances change too, which I why I believe that over the long haul I have found therapy to be more helpful than medication because it has taught me to identify my triggers and negative thought patterns (in whatever tricky disguises they may try to wear) and with that, each time I have been hit with a low period I get better at bouncing back from it.

[Jon42]

Hi Mel,

The problem with medication is GPs hand it out like it's free candy. If you say it's not working, their solution is to keep upping it until you're totally dependent on it.

My completely fallable and arguable advice is to keep looking for specialists until you find someone you like, that you look forward to going back to. Once you trust them, they can help you to guide you through your memories and beliefs and help you to realise who you really are again - someone awesome.

I don't know what you've been through and how you came to see the world the way you do, but just so you know from someone who's been there and worked through it, the world is not how you think it is. And the facts are not what people say they are. It will only take experience to realise that for yourself but once you do, everything changes.

[Mel...]

Thank you both for you responses!

Your comment about people with a bad injury that comes back to haunt them put this is great perspective for me Jess. I am going to be one those people who's symptoms will come and go, as treacherous as it is. I am much stronger now than what I was when I was first diagnosed. 

I don't blame my first doctor for putting me on medication, I was in a bad state when I was first taken there and I would go as far as saying that the medication is the reason I am still here today. Despite this, I would really like to live without them one day. 

My current doctor put my same medication up last week, I have to trial this for a month before we decide if we will change it or not. I am still not feeling great, although I am functioning. 

As a broke student, it is hard for me to see specialists. I usually take whatever free medical services I can get.