The fine line between growth and crippling discomfort

[Janey123]

Hi

I am going through a rough time and could really use some advice. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with extremely severe anxiety. My issues were mostly around the insecurity of my new 'dream' job. I've been seeing a psychologist since then and have made great strides to the point where I felt that I could start extending myself and begin to take on some elements of my job that scared me.

I've never liked public speaking but when I'm comfortable, like at my old job, I can do it.

My anxiety at this job however has morphed into an extreme fear of public speaking. When I was at my lowest, I had a melt down overnight and bailed on a 5 min talk the morning of the workshop, confessing my illness to my ex-boss (who was kind about it).

With the improvements I have been making over the last year or two, I have even taken on a couple of local news radio interviews. The first one was terrible, but I lived, so I tried again and actually did a really good job of it. In both of these cases they were sprung on me at short notice, so there wasn't the time to freak out, or I should say, I only had a short time with which to freak out. I came to realise that this suited me, actually. Less time freaking out, more time celebrating the relief that it was over and I'd done it!

Last month I was asked to do a presentation to 30-60 people in March, on the same topic at a lunch. I said yes, feeling good and believing that I could take it on now that I was growing and starting to tackle the things that scared me. My anxiety apparently had other ideas.

I've had three spirals/meltdowns crying about it so far. I'm now fearing the anxiety melt downs more than I fear the talk I think. I leave my psychologists office feeling totally calm and capable, but the feeling wears off and I end up in a panic.

I'm stuck now.

Do I go through with it, knowing there is a chance I will melt down and bail on the commitment? My psychologist says I can do this, but speaking is easy for him... I wonder "What if I get up there, melt down, and entrench the fear even worse?!"

Do I get out of it, and get a colleague to do it, and deal with the shame of letting someone see how my anxiety controls me over a seemingly simple talk? I am really hard on myself.

I find myself wondering have I jumped a bit too far with this one, is this too big a thing to take on if this is the result? Or is this what I need to go through to grow?

Thanks for reading xx

Janey

[Quercus]

Hi Janey123,

Anxiety about public speaking is understandable to me too. I admire how you have kept trying and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.

Have you considered having a other chat with your boss about your anxiety and asking if another staff member can support you with your presentation?

In my view asking for help show you are responsible. Explaining it like you told us (that you are working on managing your anxiety but are worried about your anxiety overwhelming you) shows that you are careful of the image of your employer. That you want to push yourself to improve but at the end of the day what matters to you is that the presentation is completed even if it's by another.

Do you think if you asked that you would lose the opportunity or do you think they will give you a chance to try with support?

I wondered that (if you knew someone was right there with you prepared to take over if required) it would reduce some of the anxiety?

I hope you can find some ways to reduce the worry. You do sound a bit distressed. Please take care of yourself.

Nat

[quirkywords]

Janet,

Hello. Nat has given some good ideas and helpful advice.

I have done a fair amount of public speaking but i still nervouus before hand sometimes wonder why I'd do it but after I have talked I feel good.

I like Nat's idea of getting a person to helpjust in case you need it. I think by having a back up plan it would take pressure off you.

I am glad you are taking a risk and trying to improve and challenge yourself.

Preparation and planning for things that may go wing really help with presentations.

What is your greatest strength as a communicator?

Quirky

Quirky

[Janey123]

Thank you both for responding, it has given me something to think about, and it is a real relief to hear that others feel the same. It has taken me a couple of days to bounce back from the major freak out that was Saturday but I am feeling much better about it now. I have started planning and preparing for it and am working on staying in the moment, and not making up some scary future scenario that hasn't even happened!

[Quercus]

Hi Janey,

Good on you 😊. That is really lovely to hear.

What kind of things are you doing to keep focused on the present rather than worrying about the future? I would love to know if you've found things that work for you.

Good luck with the presentation. You're going to be fine!

Nat

[quirkywords]

Janet,

Great to read your reply and how you are staying in the moment.

Planning and preparation are the key and as I mentioned before trying to work out anything you may encounter and how you will deal it.

Another thing is no one knows you are feeling nervous so dont tell the audience and if you do miss something out or make a mistake just keep going and go back to a point. People are unaware you have left something out, if it is important just go back o it when you can.

I remember once being so upset about the mess I Adwords a talk onlyto have people say how much they liked/ I nearly cried and messed things up but people did not see that jut hear my talk and information.

I agree with Nat, share any tips that have worked for you.

Take care

Quirky

[GreenTea_Honey]

Hey Janey,

Glad to hear you are feeling better about it already. I think it's really brave and strong that you have pushed through your anxiety on so many occasions. And I think it shows that you're going to be able to do this as well, that you'll get through it.

It sounds like planning and focusing on what you can control about the experience is helping you. With the comment you made about the calmness of a psychology session wearing off by the time you speak, have you tried maybe having a session on the day of the speech? Or the night before?

And with confiding in a colleague, I think that's a pretty strong thing to do. It might help ease some of the anxiety knowing that there is someone there to have your back and potentially take over if you feel you need to stop. Have you considered presenting with a colleague? Together?

I hope you are still feeling better, and I wish you the best of luck! 🙂

[Janey123]

Hi Everyone,

Wanted to thank you all for your advice again and let you know how I went. I was very nervous in the days leading up to the talk but thankfully no more melt downs! I told my psychologist about the idea of confessing about my anxiety to a trusted colleague and having her attend as a 'backup'. His response was interesting, he said that I was more than capable of doing the talk, in fact I was the most qualified and having a backup person would only reinforce the idea that I needed to get out of it, or that I was incapable. So I left feeling a bit grumpy with him (not unusual), but I trust him so I begrudgingly took his advice.

The only thing that helped to calm my nerves was actually working on the talk and setting it up with the projector and rehearsing it a few times. The night before I set everything up and rehearsed it to my partner, and I was a little bit jittery with it, but it was ok. The morning of the talk I was pretty nervous, but then again, that is to be expected as it is something completely new to me. I think I was mostly relieved that soon the months of underlying anxiety would be over!

So, I gave the talk to 50 people! I spoke really well, I didn't even need to refer to my notes, I made jokes, walked around the room, it was so weird. My anxiety was gone, I was in the moment and dare I say it.. I was having .... fun?!

My psychologist does a lot of speaking events and he gave me a couple of pieces of advice that worked. Firstly, have a flyer or handout to give to attendees (about you, or about the topic) so they have something to take with them, and to read through before the talk starts. This worked really well, it meant people were reading about my topic, instead of watching me pace the stage waiting for everyone to be seated.

Secondly, if you do a good job, you'll be asked to do other talks (and he told me i have to say YES when they do). This actually happened, and I said yes. So not only did I do it well, I'm going to try again soon.

I've since had feedback that people thought it was great! I'm really proud I overcame the fear, a big step for me and my anxiety.

Thank you all for responding to my post.