suggestions??

[sagebrush]

I have terrible insomnia that keeps me awake until 2-4am, which would be so bad if I didn't have to work at 6am.  

Then every time I do sleep I have horrible nightmares.  Even if I doze off at work for 10 minutes on my break I'm having nightmares.  Now before I had panic disorder, I had normal nightmares, but these ones are disturbing!!!! 

I was on medication for anxiety but my anxiety forced me off them... 

 I constantly feel like god is going to strike me down, but then I'll do things deliberately so I know he's going to get me.

 My resting heart rate is over 100 so I always feel like I'm about to die.

 I have been to hospital a few times but they don't care because I'm not dying.

 Everyone I try to talk to about it ends up turning on me

It's a constant battle to stay with it... then I end up sabotaging myself at home or at work. Even when I don't do anything wrong I still get blamed for it cuz it's just me.

 I'm too scared to see a psychologist because my family disapproves of them, I could see one in secret but if they find out!!

 When I do open up to someone they're like  your life sucks. I'm like yeah thanks not like I already didn't know that.....

My family deliberately attacks each other verbally and physically, but won't stay away from each other!!

 I can't run away because of my work and family commitments, without which I would be nothing and empty.

Now somehow I feel like writing this helps in some way but what way I don't know.

maybe I'm not crazy at all but the world around me that is.

circumstances never change unless you change them.

 Just remember to breathe, learn to enjoy this simple task as it's all that matters.

 Anything else is just what you put into it. Remember that in 10 years time nothing will be the same.

everything and everyone will have changed whether we believe it or not.

Life is just a culmination of everyone's past choices, the future is whatever you make it.

whether you decide to change it or not is up to you. that is your choice as free will.

what's worse, more of the same or something different?

there's a balance in life that will even itself out, it just takes time, how much time is up to you.

there is a solution to every problem, it's your Job to find it, just hang in there.

good luck. 

btw, God's really forgiving 😉

[CrashCoyote]

Hi sagebrush,

You have asked for suggestions. Mine would be to take your medication as prescribed by your doctor, first and foremost. The second would be to see that psychologist. You must prioritise yourself ahead of your families wishes. You paint  a picture of them being dysfunctional, so they are not the ones who can make good decisions about your health.

If you change nothing, nothing will change. Work, family commitments and so on are all things that change constantly throughout our lives. You can make changes for your own well being even if they affect these things. Change does not have to be for the worse.

Kind regards, John.

[Zeal]

Hi Sagebrush,

I completely endorse everything that John has written. It's vital to take your doctor's advice, as they are qualified and have your best interests in mind. Stopping medications abruptly (without weaning off gradually on your GP's advice) often causes short-term withdrawal symptoms, which really affects how you feel. As John said, it's important to do what is right for your personal health. Seeing a psychologist is a great idea. You don't need to tell your family about this. If they find out, just explain that it's very important to you. If they don't accept this, then that's their problem. You have every right to try to improve your personal life and your health.

Insomnia is frustrating. I had it a few years ago, and I still sometimes get insomnia. Try to do light to moderate physical activity during the day (i.e. walking); avoid or at least limit caffeine intake after 4pm; and try writing or typing your thoughts before going to bed, so that you can get them out of your head. It's important to sleep in complete or near complete darkness - even lights from technology are unhelpful. Also make sure you are not too hot or cold. If you fall asleep in an uncomfortable temperature, you will most likely wake up at some point during the night. Getting these things right is a good starting point.

I recommend talking to your GP about your insomnia. Anxiety and insomnia negatively affect each other, and can turn into a vicious cycle that is hard to break.

Good luck with everything.

Best wishes,

SM

[Neil_1]

Hi there SageBrush

And welcome to you to Beyond Blue.

May I say, quite an amazing post from you – well done.  I say this as you take the reader on a roller coaster of your troubles and stressors, but then rise again to mention about things to do to provide better times ahead, so you’ve got low times and obvious issues to take to task, but you follow up with some kinds of solutions or things to do to help along the journey.

Take on the psychologist and do it as secretively as you need too – I think it’s an important step for you to take.

An ex partner (actually ex wife) told me after we split up:  “You create your own life with every choice you make”.  So I think that’s pretty similar to the thoughts you were providing also.

I also suggest to keep talking here – because no-one here will turn it around on you.   We’re all here for each other and we try to provide guidance and advice as best as we can, but above all else, we provide support and I hope you’re feeling that already, with a couple of great responses back to you already.

It is great to read that you’re working – that is very important (obviously for the financial side of things) but also that it gives you occupation and hopefully focus while you’re there.  Ie:  you won’t be stressing too much about other things – or put it this way, if you weren’t working, you’d have mega time to think about your stressors, etc.  So keep doing all you can to stay with your job.

And am I reading it right, that you are no longer on any medications?   With this in mind AND the fact that your resting heart rate is so high, I’d be heading back to a GP as soon as you possibly can.

Would love to hear back from you on this.

Neil

[sagebrush]

Hi again,

I'm back on my meds again, feel a hundred times better.I had to sneak to the doctors and get a new script but it was worth it, but then my family found out I was on them again and they didn't care! I think maybe my anxiety was causing me to think they were disapproving of them.

I can feel when a panic anxiety attack wants to start now, so I employ the deep breathing technique every time and after about 4 deep breaths I feel like I'm in control again.

I'm trying to exercise more, it does help too, thanks for all your suggestions, sometimes you just need someone to point you in the right direction again.