Stuck in a rut and can't keep my emotions stable

[Guest_9632]

Hi all,

this is my first post so please bare with me. I signed up to BB because I thought i'd give a forum a go as a ways of releasing the problems that I have and just seeing if it will hopefully give me some kind of benefit. So in a nutshell:

• i've been battling anxiety on and off for about 5 years
• have a wife who's suffered from depression but does have it under control
• comes in waves (my anxiety) and is usually at its peak when I have several things to stress about at once
• in recent times i've had to juggle living at my parents place (with my wife who suffers from depression) whilst our future home gets built. This home has been at a stalemate with the developer and council disagreeing over certain issues for over a year with now with no end in sight. In other words i'm trapped at home.
• In August my father whom i was very close to died suddenly. It has caused major stress among my family especially mum
• My wife and i have been trying to have a child for 12 months with no success.

I have gone through many avenues to deal with the points above. I openly communicate with my wife and some people close too me. I try to eat well, try not to drink too much and am about to see a psychologist. I just thought putting my story out there may resonate with others.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are others out there with much worse problems than me and I feel guilty putting my supposed problems out there for others to see. I just thought I need to start looking out for myself and maybe get a response that will have a positive effect on my wellbeing right now.

FYI im a 36 yo professional male

Kind regards

[SubduedBlues]

Hi HangingThere

Firstly welcome and thanks for taking the time to post. There are many people here with various experiences in different aspects of mental health. I am confident that amongst us we'll be able to help you along.

Please accept my condolences for the passing of your father, I still recall the impact my father's passing had on me. I am not a stranger to death, but when my dad died it took a bit of a hard toll on my state of happiness for quite some time. What kept me going was passing on his lessons to my children; that alone gave be reason to feel proud of having him in my life for the time that I did.

On another point, on trying to have a child; that alone can be a compounding pressure cooker as each month passes along without pregnancy. And the presence of that stress has been known to prevent pregnancy from occurring. Thus, may I suggest that instead of trying to have a child, you relax and stop trying to not have a child.

That may seem like odd advice, but I assure you that it is not. By not trying to not have a child, you are accepting that whether a pregnancy occurs or doesn't occur you are happy with the outcome. Being happy with the outcome, means your body relaxes and the stresses that adversely affect fertility also dissipate. With the absence of the stress, fertility increases. And with increased fertility, there is an increased probability of a pregnancy.

Case in point, when trying to have my first child -- we stressed for two years without success. After giving up and accepting that it would not happen, we both relaxed and she was pregnant within two months. Afterwards, we just went with the stop trying to not have a kid (meaning put the contraceptives aside and not worry about the outcome) and we had three more.

Figuring that you're both physically capable of having offspring, the key is to relax, don't stress about whether a pregnancy has or hasn't happened yet, and have fun.
SB

[MsPurple]

Hi hangingthere and welcome to the BB forums. You are always welcome to come here to vent and to give/receive support from other forum uses. Just need to let you know none of us are doctors so the advise is general and things that may work for the person giving the advise.

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I know how horrible anxiety can be. I was properly diagnosed with GAD a year and a half ago, but talking it over with my psychiatrist I have been struggling with it for around 5 or maybe more years too. I would go through periods where it was ok and at a low level the it will flair up and be crippling for months. It got so bad I finally got the courage to go to headspace and start my journey to achieving good mental health. I am so glad you have started your journey because you will not believe how different you will feel once you have gotten it under control and again at a managable level (I do have flair ups but at the moment they only last a day or a few days, not months). Me thinking about how I was just a year ago and I am so glad I got out of that horrible point in my life.

It is also awesome you have open communication with your wife. For years I was trying to hide my mental struggles and it just kept getting bigger and bigger and worse and worse. It got to the point it got too much and I got quiet unwell. When I went to get help and got diagnosed I finally talked to my family and got more support. It lightened the load so much and it was so good to have that. It is great you have that to start with.

I wanted to comment to welcome you to the forums and to let you know you are not alone in this journey. Keep us updated and good luck with your psychologist.

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanging There,

I too welcome you to the community here. I'd also like to pass on my condolences for your Father.

SB has made a lot of good points. I too have heard people say that when they stop trying to have a baby, that is when they become pregnant. You hear of people adopting children then becoming pregnant.

If you have a look at your list, that is enough to cause anyone stress!

Please don't feel guilty at all, there is no need for that. Everyone has their own issues, their problems are significant to them, even if they may look small in another person's eye. Remember the saying about "the straw that broke the camel's back". It could be the smallest issue that can set a person off.

Seeing a psychologist will hep yo. Hopefully you will learn strategies to cope with these various situations.

Is it possible for you and our wife to get away for a weekend?

Maybe you could plan to do something totally different every Sunday say. Change your routines. Find ways to brighten up your living spaces. Learn how to give your wife a back massage.

There are web sites with lists of 100 things to do to change your relationship. Check out those lists and see what you can come up with.

The house issues would be enough to drive most people nuts! Hope you find some solutions there!

Cheers for now from Dools

[geoff]

hello Hangingthere, welcome to the site and it's great that you have been able to post your comment.
Can I say that we all have our own problems and no one is worse off than anyone else, so each post is taken on it's own merit.
My sincere condolences for the loss of your dad and I'm so sorry for your mother who must be struggling to cope with this.
With you and your wife hoping to have a child and not being able to conceive would certainly be causing anxiety as well as depression which could be a reason why it hasn't happened, plus the hold on your house not being completed is also going to make it rather difficult, so perhaps just do it when there is a time where you are both relaxed, on the spur of the moment, like leaving work and surprise your wife when you get home.
At the moment I'm sure there must be so much sadness in the household between you all which is making everything seem impossible to achieve and it works in unison, where anxiety causes depression and vice-versa between you and your wife.
The avenues you have tried interests me but please let us know how you get on with your psychologist, and I wonder whether your wife is also seeing someone. Geoff.

[Guest_9632]

Thankyou so much for your kind words SB!

My wife and I are trying to adopt that philosophy, will keep trying to relax and not let it over take us. My wife is a little bit OCD and hence has had all tests done, including tests for my swimmers. On a positive not, I just found out that i've got healthy swimmers and that my wife had scans showing that she's got an egg ready to go in the nxt 48hrs. Once again i'm not going to try and put too much pressure on us, it's juts nice to get some news for once!

Once again thanks for your support!