Need some advice!!!

[Louise10]

Hi guys,

Am totally new to this and not sure if it's for me but I suppose I've got nothing to lose! I have a bit of a problem and it's an embarrassing thing for me to talk about it to those around me so thought I'd try my luck for some advice on here.

Ever since I was young I have had this fixation about my loved ones drinking. Growing up my dad liked a drink, nothing negative ever happened and I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic but I always just felt like he was drinking too much and it worried me! I can't pinpoint why.. I'm not sure if it was an anxiety about something happening to him or just because his drinking was out of my control. Whenever my parents were having parties I would just dread it because I knew that dad would have too much and it would stress me out (even though I can't explain why!). I used to make snide comments like don't you think you've had enough? Or how big is that wine glass.. surely you don't need to drink all that?

anyway.. I've now been in a relationship for a couple of years and my partner is rarely a drinker. However when I know that we have something coming up where he might get drunk, I get so anxious and stress about it for weeks beforehand. He's not a cheater, he is an amazing guy and I have NO idea what my fears are or why they are there but it's really starting to overcome me. It's gotten to the point that when we go out I try and drink more than him so that I'm not noticing what he's drinking.. but then I can't hold my alcohol very well and I just end up starting a fight with him over nothing so that we can leave!

I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous and probably like such a trivial problem but the same thing happened yesterday and we are now on the verge of breaking up because of it.

i guess I'm looking for some advice on WHY I could be feeling this way. I know my fears are irrational but that's not enough to switch them off! And maybe how I stop feeling like I need to control everything? And how to deal with my feelings appropriately when they are NOT under my control!

can anyone relate to this or am I completely crazy?!!!

[MarkJT]

Louise, well done on getting onto the forums and reaching out and please do not be embarrassed as there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Sounds like you have some kind of anxiety going on there and it would be worthwhile heading off to the GP to discuss it. The stories you tell are kind of like what i do with catastrophising. If someone is late i instantly think that they have been involved in an accident or something. There is not any real evidence that this is true, just something my mind does, like yours does when someone has been drinking.

Have you discussed this with your partner? If you haven't it would be well worthwhile sitting him down and discussing it. Get it out in the open and there may be some solutions to help you when he is drinking.

I would advise that you don't drink heaps to try and drown the thoughts, not a helpful nor healthy choice that one!

Overall, my best advice is to get to the GP. Discuss it fully - don't hold back. They are there to help you and will be able to and if you get referred to a psych, don't stress. They are the experts in the area and will help you overcome your issues with close people drinking.

Cheers

Mark.

[Louise10]

Thanks for that Mark. Do you ever feel like you need to control everything because of your catastrophising? I think this could be the issue.. and when I can't control what someone else does that's when it hits me. I have booked in to see a psych this week so thanks!

[Wendy_R]

I had to contact you Louise and let you know I totally relate to what you are saying. I grew up in a household where my father was a very big drinker. He was never violent, just a messy and embarassing drunk. I spent my childhood filled with anxiety every time he would drink and would constantly feel like I had to control the situation so that my friends won't see him drunk. I felt his behaviour reflected on to me and people would laugh or talk about me. This learned behaviour has now manifested over the years in me, so much so that I find it difficult to feel comfortable in any situation that I have no control over the outcome and find myself in a panic if I don't know what is happening next. I have also had many a fight with my husband when I feel he drinks too much and I can't control this situation. He isn't hurting anyone and is only having a good time, but I am just struck with a fear that he needs to slow down.

I have also booked in to a psychologist this week to try and deal with my issues of anxiety and depression. I have started to take medication which takes the edge off but want to work out why the anxieties are so controlling and debilitating.

I wish you all the best of luck Louise and wanted to reach out to stay you are not crazy and it is not trivial. These negative thoughts can manifest over time so it is great to hear you are seeking help now. I wish I had started it years ago, but better late than never and feel like I have taken the first steps to living a better a life. Take care of you.

[MarkJT]

Louise, that is so friggin awesome that you have booked into the psych. So very pleased that you were able to do that. Brilliant.

Yes i (used) to need to control everything because of my catastrophising however as i have improved my skills in controlling my anxiety, i have been able to settle myself when I am doing it. It still takes plenty of brain juice (mental energy) to control but i just remind myself that there is pretty much zero evidence of something going completely wrong. i.e. when someone is late, i think they have been involved in an accident, however i now stop, slow down and think it through and it results in me accepting that they are fine.

Hopefully you go well at the psych and keep in mind that it may take a few sessions to get sorted out. Stick with it, trust the process.

Mark.