Struggling with Pure O...

[Cameron005]

Hi all.

I am 44 divorced father of a lovely 10 year old girl. About 3 years ago i woke up with what can only be described as the worst thought ever about my family members...i had no idea where it came from nor had it happened before. It scared me a great deal which led to depression about why this had happened and where it was headed, especially at 41 years of age. So began my last 3 years, these thoughts vary from harm, sexual, etc etc and obviously horrible.

My strategies ranged from panic / why me / 'trigger' removal/ isolation / fighting or blocking them. This was obviously very tiring and caused me to be depressed as i just wanted to go back to my usual happy go lucky self. Funny thing this always happens when i am on holiday or not busy and have lots of down time. As soon as i am busy they go away and i love those times as i am my usual self. I dont wash my hands 10 times nor lock doors, nor have physical compulsions. I do all my fighting internally which as you can imagine is quite tiring. the overriding emotion is guilt, and fighting these thoughts and impulses and trying to be happy again.

The worst is that when they come back, it usually around spending time with my family, which causes me to say to myself 'right, if i get through this weekend and get back home, everything will be fine'....This is no way to live a life as its like i am wishing my life away...

I spoke to a psychologist last week and she was nice, gave me advice reinforcing that i am not that person that the thoughts are focused on and the more you fight them, the more they stay around. If i was to write down some of the worst thoughts (which i never will) you would and could only laugh but when you have them over and over and you try to come up with dealing with them it is no fun at all.

The worst i guess is the depression that comes with you remembering what you were like when you didnt have them and the days that you are 'happy and like you once were' make you so happy.

I have tried st johns wort but even the psychologist had not heard of it.

So that's whats happening. I can tell what type of day i am going to have as soon as i wake up. If its not an intrusive ridiculous and horrendous thought, then i can look forward to the day.

Not sure what happens from here but its just good to get it off my chest! Thanks

[blondguy]

Hello Cameron005

Im sorry that you have wait so long for a response. We are usually pretty quick at getting back

Intrusive thoughts are more common than you think. These sometimes awful thoughts can happen as a result of a 'tired/exhausted mind'. I understand your pain as I used to have them as well

Good on you for seeing your psychologist...You are very proactive with your health!

I really hope you can stick around the forums Cameron.

You are not alone

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Scooter45]

Hi Cameron005.

My name is a Rach and I’ve suffered with depression and ocd for about thirty years. I totally understand what you’re saying about your invasive thoughts and guilt. One of the most helpful things I’ve found (and I’ve tried an awful lot of things) is that you have to practise good helpful thinking. Every minute of every day become aware of what you’re thinking. If it’s nit a positive thought immediately say stop and change it to the positive. Every time. It’s really difficult at first. It’s hard to pay attention and it’s hard to change to the positive especially when the thoughts are really disturbing. But the more you practise the better you get. Every day you get better and the negative thoughts become less and less. It’s just like playing a sport. The more aware you are and the more you practise the better you get.

Definitely keep in touch with your psych and gp. They are invaluable.

Best of luck Cameron. Stay in the fight.

Rach

[GrabAVoice]

You keep on doing what you are doing Cameron005 - one foot in front of the other.... some days your feet may be a little heavier however I believe you can keep moving them forward 🙂

It is really good to hear you are in touch with your Psychologist - it is important that you can find that someone to talk openly to. Know that we are all here for you too.

Have you heard of a gratitude journal ? It may sound corny to some people, but hey it can help other people. Each day or night you write say 3 things you are grateful for - its the little things in life that can sometimes bring joy and peace - like 1) waking up to the sound of the birds 2) being able to walk along the beach with the wind blowing in my hair and 3) helping a little old man at the shops who couldn't pick up his dropped pen.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other Cameron005 - I believe in you and your days will become brighter.

Take care xxx

Kellie

[Kangram]

Hi Cameron005,

I am 39 with two kids, and have recently had a very difficult mental health scare, followed by many difficult thoughts, feelings and emotions. Opening up about it, and seeking help from loved ones and a psychologist has been fantastic. Although at times scary/ challenging, especially for me, a hot headed male.

I did need to try a couple of psychologists to find a suitable one for me, a challenge in itself.

Also, I have read a great book called the Happiness Trap, in conjunction with my psychologist. Very helpful for me around my challenging thoughts.

Lastly, I have been learning how to meditate using an App called headspace. This was endorsed to me by my Dr. Meditation, has helped me learn to identify my thoughts, unhook from them, particularly those that are unhelpful/ painful, and come back to more important focus, for example being present with my loved ones in that moment etc. Remember that your loved ones love you.

Hope that helps, keep seeking to find what works for you.

[Obsessed]

Hi Cammeron005

I am going to concentrate on the thing that stands out to me about what you wrote and that is the worst time for you is when you have down time holidays ETC. I went through a very difficult time in 2016/17 when I tried to take my life.On reflection one of the many things I did is try to keep myself busy was to keep me busy. I took up cycling but my cycling was my trigger the more I did this the more tired I would get the more the thoughts would go through my head.So with help I now train smarter not harder and it has been great.

Were I am going with this is in your down time when you are not preoccupied get yourself a hobbies that does not take up all of your time but allows you to switch off from other matters.

The other thing I do is to use an APP called smiling minds, I use this on a daily bases while at work to help me through the day. The other thing I do is to write anything that troubles me so I can get things off my mind to the paper and then forget about the problem I suppose you can call it a journal.

Again in your quiet times there is some sought of trigger , some thought that give you the anxiety/depression write it down on paper not the computer it helped me it may help you.

Cheers Phil

[jawz]

It's a good point you made about what the psychologist said about not "feeding" the thoughts. It does work believe me!

I was being haunted by thoughts about a past abusive relationship, and was told just to accept the thoughts as they arise and let them go. Acknowledge and say goodbye.

It does work. And for me it worked quite fast too!

Start today. Try again tomorrow, and the next day, and before you know it, you'll remember it like a bad dream from long ago.

The more you think about the thoughts, the worse they get and the worse you feel. Awful snowball effect.

[Just Sara]

Hi newbies!

To Rach, Kellie, Kangram, Phil and Jaws;

You guys are amazing! All with your own woes, yet willing to reach out to someone hurting. Thankyou all for your caring and support...

Big thankyou to Paul who apologised for the lengthy time waiting for someone to reply. I second that, very sorry and hope it didn't cause too much worry Cameron.

If you come back Cam, I'll keep an eye out for you ok. I think I may be able to help.

The subconscious communicates to us via 'pictures' in our mind whether it's dreaming or flashes. We're not taught to decipher that language which can cause considerable concern as you've shown.

Ask anything, I'm all ears...

Kind thoughts to all;

Sez