Stress

[Kombivan]

Hi,

I've been on anxiety medication for about 8months now and I have seen a therapist multiple times. I got to the point where I thought I was going to be ok on my own, but now I'm worried that it's happening again. When I do something wrong at work, with my family or with uni my head gets into these really dark places. All I can think about is the stress I'm feeling for these things. How much better it would be if I wasn't alive anymore, so I can just get out of my head. I have a really supportive family but I feel like they're sick of hearing about the same things over and over again. I feel like my problems are so insignificant. I know what I need to do to feel better, but it's like I don't have any energy. Just the thought of exercising or doing something other than studying or watching mind numbing shows on Netflix is exhausting. I'm feeling numb. Usually I cry a lot, but it's like I've got nothing left in me.
I don't know why I'm on here, or what I'm asking for. I looked through my contacts and didn't feel comfortable telling anyone this, so I think it's better I do it this way, anonymously. I just want to tell someone.
I know I have so much to be grateful for, but I think I don't deserve any of it. There are people out there who would do so much more with my education, family, friends, privilege than me. It's not fair on them that I have all of that and still think about how nice it would be if I could just shut my brain off, and be done here.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kombivan,
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now and I'm sorry to hear that, though I'm glad that you were able to reach out to us, today. Sometimes it can be easier to talk about these things anonymously compared to with people we know, and that's why forums like ours exist.  I think that one of the hardest things when it comes to mental health is that the way we think and feel, especially when we are suffering from something like anxiety, doesn't always align with how we think we 'should' be feeling - and that can create a lot of pressure and stress for us to try to 'fix' ourselves, or to suppress it, on top of what we are already going through. But I think it's important for us to acknowledge that part of having anxiety, or another mental illness, is that even when things are going alright externally, these feelings are something that we still have to try to cope with and manage, and that's something that can be really hard.

I'm going to open up this post for the rest of our community to respond to, as I know that a lot of people here can probably relate to what you are going through right now, Kombivan. In the meantime please feel free to have a browse around our other posts on the forums, and maybe even respond to a few posts if you feel up to it. 

[Sophie_M]

Also Kombivan, I forgot to mention in my last post, but please know that you can always contact our 24/7 Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport to talk more as well. 

[Gambit87]

Hi Kombivan,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out! its takes alot of strength to reach out.

I know exactly how you must feel right now. During the 10-15 years I hid my depression and anxiety I was always stuck in my head with the repeating theme of 'I wasn't good enough, im worthless, no one wants to know me or hear about my problem's (despite having amazing friends/family and a beautiful girlfriend). Fighting my head and trying to suppress the thoughts sapped any motivation I had making me feel even more useless.

After having a breakdown, I was forced to acknowledge I needed help, I opened up and it was quite liberating.I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders.

Try and change your train of thought to something more positive (I can do this, I am a good person, I didn't get that right but that's ok - try again next time etc) I know its hard and easier said then done (im still getting my head around this) but once you do it and keep doing it - the darkness becomes a little lighter.

I encourage you to talk it out. Either with friends or on here. It feels so good to get it out, especially with people who know what youre feeling.

Check out the haka for life facebook page and watch their videos (especially the current check-in videos and the 25 pushups for 25 days videos) - Its a page focusing on mental health and the stuff that gets talked about is so spot on.

Be kind to yourself and get back out there. Again, easier said then done.

I know how hard it is, I know how brutal our minds can be, I know its a constant battle but it does get better. I have good days but I also have bad days where I feel im back at square one - and thats ok.

You're not alone here Kombivan! we're with you.

[Kombivan]

Thank you.

[dadsgripe]

Hi Kombie,

You got this! Like Gambit said, be kind to yourself, and cut yourself some slack. Spend some time thinking about what you’ve been doing. Uni, work, family, it may not seem like much but all of these things add up, and the mental fatigue associated adds up just as much.

Do you enjoy your study? It sounds as though you are spending a lot of time on it, don’t forget to allow yourself that Netflix down time. It’s important to take time for ourselves. and try not to feel guilty about it.

Good luck, Brando

[Petal22]

Hello,

Keep going .... keep pushing forward.... tell yourself positive things...

things will get better...... the BEST is yet to come 😊

[Kombivan]

Hi again,
Just wanted to let you guys know that I really appreciate the support I got from my last post. I'm trying to take your advice and train my brain to think more positively about myself. I have good days and bad days, which I guess is normal. I'm stressed out today though because it's my second day at my new job, and I have to go in a little bit later than everyone else because I have to do online training beforehand. I'm stressed about where to find everyone when I get there, meeting new people and getting things wrong. I'm also worried about making small-talk, because I find it incredibly difficult.

I also picked up some more shifts at my other job, which will require new training and procedures as it is a different role to what I was already in. I'm worried now that I have picked up too much work, and that I will struggle getting my uni work done. But money also makes me worry. No matter how much I have, I still feel like I don't have enough because everything is so expensive, so I feel like I need to work. Sometimes I like working because it takes my mind off things. Other times it feels like all I can think about is if I'm getting things wrong or if I'm going to have enough time to do my uni work when I get home.

I honestly hate studying, but last semester at uni was terrible. I tend to procrastinate a lot, which stresses me out more. I felt like last semester I didn't learn much, because everything was online at it was easy to cheat during assessments. That's why this semester I'm just throwing myself into studying because I don't want to feel that way again.

My sister, her partner and her 7month old son has just recently moved in with us. I love them living with us because for a while there, they lived quite far away, and the borders were closed because of covid so it was tough to see them. I'm just stressed now because my sister often talks about how much she struggled in port headland because she was all alone (her partner worked really long day shifts) and there was no one there to help her with her son. She often talks about how she's worried that when she eventually moves out again she will get into an emotionally dark place again, as I won't be there. When she talks about these things, it makes me feel like I need to do as much as possible to help her out. I often babysit my nephew while she goes out to the gym, even when I have uni work to do.

[Petal22]

Hello,

Starting a new job can be stressful for everyone... how’s it going? Just give yourself time.... you will settle in.... you may even meet some new friends....

It’s nice of you to babysit your nephew..... if it’s too much and you have to study just have a chat to your sister about how you are feeling....

If things seem to be getting to much... maybe you could try to go back to your therapist to help you manage things.... 😊

[dadsgripe]

Hi Kombi, thanks for giving us an update on how you are going.

It sounds as though, while things are hard, they are also looking up. It must be great having family move in with you, family is so important, it sounds like you and your sister are close.

Keep going Kombi! And good luck with your studies for this semester.

brando