Start at the beginning

[Smittygal]

Hello, I looked through the various forums and couldn't work out where to post coz I fall into a lot of the categories so hopefully I've chosen the right one.

My marriage broke down in October after several years of effort, resentment, love, frustration, and two beautiful kiddies (5 and 6 year old). Hubby and I are both committed to the needs of the kids and we have a good coparenting relationship which I'm thankful for.

I've suffered depression/anxiety for years - I'm 41 now and first diagnosed at 24 but suffered long before that. This recent/current episode is the worst to date and triggered not by the separation but when hubby changed his mind and asked about reconciling. This completely spun me and is the reason I am where I am right now - not a good place. My anxiety this time presented itself as sinusitis - sore front teeth, pressure behind the eyes as well as shaky sensation in my hands and less obviously in other parts of my body, particularly first thing in the morning.

So since then (late Jan) my anxiety has hit the roof. I'm under good GP care who has prescribed rescue drugs which I'm taking very irregularly. I suffered my first ever fullblown panic attack three weeks ago which resulted in me leaving the movie theatre and since then the anxiety comes in waves. I started seeing a psychologist this week who I love already! Straight shooter, engaging and passionate! So that's me in a nutshell. I have a couple of concerns maybe you can help with:

1) I know how important it is to exercise. I know. I just won't. What do you do when your motivation is zilch. How do you convince yourself to do even something simple like go for a walk...I know it will do be the world of good but I just wont do it!

2) I don't have any real friends, never really have - I'm exceptionally good at self-destructing relationships and people that do start to get close I push away. I've booked in to a Meetup event thing tomorrow evening hoping to meet some new friends - but see item 1 above, how do you convince yourself to do these things when you won't but you know how important it is. Such a vicious circle.

Well if you read this far, thank you!

[Croix]

Dear Smittygal~

Well you chose the right place to post -in both senses, on bb, and in Anxiety. You also set things out clearly and are honest with yourself - all a great start. There are plenty here that can relate.

I started getting symptoms in my late 20's and melted down 10 years later. So I guess we have a sort of age similarity there.

You sound as if you have done all the simple things right, doctor, meds, and starting with a psychologist.

I say starting because that will take work, but it's not that bad and leads to improvement quite quickly in many cases. While I'm talking about that sort of thing you can look in The Facts menu above for info on anxiety, depression and how to cope, including defeating panic attacks.

Having a good co-parent relationship is a major plus, as to if you want to get back together -is there a rush?

Now the reason you posted -how to do things when you have no motivation. I suppose in my own case activities fell into two categories. Those that I wanted to do to escape a most unpleasant world -and for that I had reading. At first very simple books because my concentration was shot, however they made me forget everything.

The other category - like your exercise, I approached in a different way. Here I used the reward system. On was to walk to the Libray -no surprise huh? Another was a tape (yes that long ago:( audio book in a Walkman, and only listening to it when walking.

From the clear and intelligent way you write I would not be surprised if you can come up with your own systems for escape and for rewards.

As an aside I'd be reluctant to get out of my comfort zone and go out of my way to meet strangers until the benefits outweighs the extra stress -but no doubt you can weight that one up too.

Finding and keeping friends and relationships - well I've said a whole lot already, maybe I'll talk to you about that another time - not that I'm any expert, far from it.

Anyway please keep posting and let us know what you think

Croix

[MarkJT]

Smittygirl, a super welcome to the forums to you. Thank you for coming here and posting and well done for doing it. This is such a supportive place and has no stigma in it so it is safe. Brilliant that you are active with your GP and psych - critical for recovery!

Although it is sad that your marriage has broken down but i do find it awesome that you and the father of your children have a good co-parenting relationship. Being a member of Victoria Police, unfortunately I have seen the opposite in far to many cases so your story is refreshing.

So with your anxiety, I was hospitalised with PTSD, depression and anxiety in February 2013 and now have it pretty much under control.

In regards to the exercising. What I did every night before i went to bed was put all of my running gear right next to my bed. That way when i woke up in the morning and wanted to pull the doona over the head and forget about the world, i had no excuse. I would just force myself to put the gear on and get out of the front door. I found that once i got out the front gate and started to run, i was fine and the "not wanting to do it" thoughts had gone.

Is this something that you can do? I know this is hard if you have the kids to look after but when you say you won't, does that mean you have a single thought that says i don't want to do it so that means you don't do it? or is it a case of you really are trying but just cannot get over the hump? (the hump being the front door!).

Another thing you can try with this is mindfulness. Download the app, "Smiling Mind" and get into a habit of listening to one track every morning. It only takes 10-15 mins and is really good to ground yourself. You may even find that after doing this, you are more relaxed and have a better chance at getting some exercise in.

We need to get your exercising because it is just so good for mental health.

In regards to the self destruction of friendships, what do you do to self destruct them?

Have you discussed this with the psych as yet?

Again, welcome to the forums and hope to hear back from you.

Mark.

[Smittygal]

Thanks Croix, you're totally right - I cancelled my scheduled meetups lol. I realize I am putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make new friends when in fact I need to get comfortable bein on my own and realize that there's plenty of time when I'm feeling better and have this under control a little more. Heck I'd only push any new friends away any how.

Thank you for your understanding, it's great to have found this forum and know I'm not alone and in fact am doing ok really!

[Smittygal]

Thanks Mark, I appreciate your response. The good news is just after I posted I managed to convince myself to go walking and rewarded myself with a focaccia for lunch. It's the simple things lol.

I know I have to keep the momentum going and am planning to walk again today. Its a long way from the endurance mountain biking I love but it's a start!

With regards to friendships, no I haven't broached it with the psych yet other than to mention that I don't have any true friends. This will definitely be an area we do delve into I'm sure. I'm terrible at initiating contact, and then when I don't hear from people I get grumpy that people don't care, then I'm standoffish, then then then ... vicious circle. And I'm guilty as charged! 🙂 I need to heal so I can make the effort that isn't needed to make and maintain good friendships.

[MarkJT]

Smittygal, i can see that you still have a sense of humor and that is so vitally important to recovery so keep that going!

Love how you recognise that, "it's the little things", do not underestimate just how powerful the little things are. What you think is a little thing could actually be quite a big thing and you going for a walk when you are having trouble getting out is a massive thing. Well done, that is awesome!

Definitely broach it with the psych. It is a vicious circle and hopefully the psych and us can change your mode of thinking in regards to friends. I still do it, as in what you do, but then i cut it off and think more clearly. It is about recognising when your brain is feeding non helpful thoughts, challenging them and correcting them.

You are going well!!

Mark.

[geoff]

hello Smittygal, I've joined the discussion late and probably don't need to say any more that what Croix and MarkJT have already said, but in regards to exercising, this is what my psychologist was always telling me to do, but how can you when you have no inclination, that's how I was, I didn't have the energy to do anything and certainly couldn't find a reason why I should, what was the point.
With regard to friends, again I had no interest in contacting the few that had stuck by me, and that was only one or two, so I stayed by myself and didn't have to convince myself that they were important, because my depression told me that they weren't, so I just bellowed to myself.
If you don't believe that joining your husband again is going to be the solution, then don't, because if the two of you cause conflict then you are not going to benefit not only yourself but also your children.
You can't pretend to get on with him just to please the kids, because it will do yourself too much damage and unhappiness, the children are too smart and will pick up how you actually feel.
Do what makes you feel as though you are in control. Geoff. x