speechless

[mandy6]

I think I have social anxiety. I have authority issues (is this a real thing or just a Grey's Anatomy thing?) when someone is my senior I can't have a conversation with them, I know exactly what I'm going to say, but i always back down last minute because I get really stressed. Also if someone says something that I know is wrong I can't correct them even if I know they would want to be corrected, because as I am about to open my mouth my whole body tenses up and I physically can't say anything. I have an irrational fear of looking stupid/ idiotic, I know that I am and that everyone already knows that I am so I wouldn't be revealing anything new at all. 

so does anyone have any tips on overcoming anxiety? Is there a way to learn how to talk to people, approach them? be able to ask others for help and help them when needed? 

thanks

[Neil_1]

Hi Mandy

You know, you've provided this post and your last question revealed to me an awful lot.  In that you asked 'how can I be able to ask others for help"?  At least, that's how I read it - and you know, with this post, you HAVE reached and asked questions - asking for help/assistance/advice.  So well done on that.

And with your next part to that - "... and help them when needed?"  I see that you've provided 7 posts here - and I have seen you respond to another poster just above this one.   So I think even without you realising it, you've done 'just a little bit' of reaching out to others.

Mandy, are you on any medication at all - one of my 3 meds that I'm on is for anxiety - it helps to a degree.  I think I'd be hellishly worse without it.

I won't comment more on this, till you're able to get back on this particular med topic.

I believe your self esteem is extremely low as well - because I've read your post and how you've constructed it and it tells me that you are NOT stupid, you are NOT idiotic.  You've got serious doubts about how to act in certain situations - and that's a whole lot different to be stupid and idiotic.   Also the fact that you have said that you DO pick up when others say things that are wrong says an awful lot to me also.  So Mandy, you ARE an intelligent lady as well.

What's needed is to work on your self-belief, confidence and esteem - and yeah, that's great Neil - so much easier to write than to work on it and try to remedy it.

For the record, I know exactly what you say when you say, "Someone says something that you know is wrong, but you can't say something back to correct them".

Hope to hear back from you Mandy,

Kind regards

Neil

[mandy6]

I disagree with you telling me that I am "NOT stupid". Atm, I'm in high school and am, no question about it, in the bottom 10% of my grade,my failure at the end of the year is surely inevitable!
To answer your question, no, I am not on drugs of any kind.
Also reaching out online is not an issue at all, if anything it is probably the easiest thing i've ever done because my "alter ego" online is not who I am in reality. Maybe w share the same problems, but besides this nothing is the same. Firstly, I don't have to worry about what I say and do because frankly I am never going to knowingly meet anyone who has read my threads. Secondly, it's not hard to write things down, the problem I have is with saying them to people's faces.
I am also a really boring person, and I think this stems from when childhood bullying. When I was little I had no friends and people would talk about me (i acknowledge that I was a really weird child who said and did really strange things) anyhow, because of this I promised myself that I would never talk about people behind their backs (and for the last 10 years I have kept my word) but this makes me so boring, because all people want to listen to is gossip, which I cannot deny is juicy and exciting. You're probably bored reading this right now reading this because there is no gossip in it.
I just want to be interesting, loud, funny, and smart, with lots of friends, and be invited to lots of parties, and do all of the things the majority of teenagers do, but I can't do this in my current state because I only have the "guts" to talk to the other boring people I already know.
tell me the answers to life!!!!!! how can I be normal and social????? How can I not be scared to do anything?????? please it's not fair, life isn't fair and I want to become part of the group of people in which life treats them well. Help me please!!!!

[Neil_1]

Hi Mandy

Thanx for your response back.  You've provided heaps of info and "No, I wasn't bored at all".

I "may" be stupid for saying this (I failed miserably at high school, all those years ago), but I believe failing in school still doesn't decide if a person is stupid.  I can clearly see by your writing and the way you really DO express yourself, Mandy you are far from being stupid.  Sure you mightn't be performing so well at school - but I still stand by my earlier comment.  So if you come back again, I guess it'll be a stand-off where we agree to disagree.

Oh my ... you've asked the answers to life?   I'm 49yo and I still don't know.  Probably why I post here so often.  One of my questions that I ask (as I think so many of us fellow sufferers DO ask is), what is the purpose of life??  And I can't answer that either.

You've expressed an awful lot saying all the things that you want to be like - but you know what, just think about the fact that 1 in 5 people suffer from mental illness.  So if you're seeing a gang of say 20 kids, all shouting out, laughing, having a seemingly good time - 5 of those are - hang on, see I told you I wasn't real big at school - I believe it's FOUR of those would be possibly afflicted with something that they are masking from others. 

I do bow to you with your penchant for not being a gossip girl - the world would be a far better place if there were more people like you in it.

Also, when I mentioned medications (I meant anti-depressants), I got the feeling you came back at me in thinking I was suggesting "other kinds of tablets" which I wasn't.  I was just referring to whether you'd been prescribed any medication for your anxiety.

I'm really struggling to supply any decent kind of answers for you here, especially with regard to your last para.  Being normal - well, everyone is different, so what's normal for one person would be completely different for someone else.  Social - hmmm, fitting in with others - talking perhaps about a favourite TV show or movie;  music you enjoy, perhaps things like that.  For me, common ground for me is sport issues.

I'm just about to run out of the words - the counters just about got me beat.

I'll send this and hope to hear back from you again.

Neil

[mandy6]

You do have a point, and it was naive of me to think that grades determine your level of stupidity (not meant to sound sarcastic), however it does determine your worth within society, and if I fail school I will lose my reputation "the immortal part of myself, and all that remains will be bestial", is there any purpose to life after this?

Also, i understood what you meant about the "medication" I just feel like the the word holds too many positive connotations, and is just a disguise for people trying to sugar coat the reality. The "medications" you refer to are just prescription-drugs and should not have to be called fancy shmancy names in order for people to feel better about taking them (does that even make sense, sometimes I say things that don't make sense).
This may sound very cynical but I believe that statistics have a very large potential to lie or alter the truth, and so only oblige to using them as a guide rather than a factual reference. are you trying to say that the 4 people in the group of 20 should be my friends or sympathise with me just because we all share one thing in common? or are you trying to make me aware of that I am not alone and that other people also have problems so I should therefore not have to feel isolated in dealing with mine? If you answered yes to the later, then I only have one thing to say, and that is -I am a very callous person, and no matter how hard I try to care about other people and their problems I find it impossible to do so. because of this I feel that it would be selfish to request the compassion of others as I can't give in return (I know this is completely irrational which I acknowledge but am unable to do much about it because I am inherently stubborn).
Lastly, the reason that I was a victim of bullying when I was younger was because of my "atypical" interests, I wasn't allowed to buy magazines, listened to music of the 70s and ate tuna for lunch (this may have been an issue unique to my school). because of this I find it hard to talk to people about "a favorite TV show or movie;  music you enjoy, or things like that". I then revert to telling people about articles I have read which requires no personal connection but rather an ability to regurgitate other people's facts. But because I have a bad memory my stories are vague and plotless and I am known as having a remarkable ability to dig myself into holes.
Thank-you for the reply it did help because just knowing that someone is there to listen feels good.

[white knight]

Dear Mandy,  welcome also.

And Neil isnt the only one reading your posts.  Some of us here can be self proclaimed 'misfits'. At least I feel I have been all my life (I'm 58). I could never fit in yo the group of friends I had. I dreamed of the day school would end so I'd fit into the adult world. I joined the military at 17yo.

And how did I fit into the military?  The same. The odd one out. And so it went on and on. So where did it ultimately lead me?  Well in 2003 in my 40's I found out a number of things.  Firstly I had a number of mental illnesses likely inherited from birth, the second was that these were compounded by one parent likely to have BPD.

One illnesses I likely had when young was ADHD. Not the active one but the inattentive one. It explained a number of things like suffering "foot in mouth" saying stupid things, anxiety which also makes you so nervous you do the same etc and on it goes.

As for helping others, I'd put effort into yourself and your own challenges at this time in your life. One day we all hope, you will feel like passing onto others your experiences just like we are here now.  These things develop as we mature in life.  People change.  My wife also reminds me that she has ever only had one friend in life. So you dont need to seek the approval of several so called friends.

Bullying? I've been bullied twice on FB over the last 6 years. I block them and forget them now.  They are not worth the empty space in my brain they get rent free.

Good luck

[Neil_1]

Hi Mandy

Thanx heaps for getting back to me and also great to see White Knight chipping in also.  The more heads involved with this, I hope the better it’ll be for you – because you’ll soon come the end of my usefulness quite quickly.

Mandy, I flunked out of high school hellishly bad – in fact, I think I’m too ashamed actually to tell my end result of my Year 12 year, but it was a shocker – but I feel that I’m ‘ok’ in society.  Not that I want to have a lot to do with other people all that much – but it’s unavoidable at work or at the shops etc. 

But for these things, you just whack your mask on and shut out the real you.  A checkout person on a register asks you how you are:  so much easier to say “Not bad thanx” instead of “You know what, I’m actually in a place that borders on hell at the moment – I’m lucky to be even here and I feel like shutting down”.  And you know, the ol’ “Not bad thanx” is also very true, cause more often than not ‘you’re NOT bad’ – you’re actually worse – much much worse.

I am pleased to read though that this has helped a bit – and you know, we’ll keep listening (or reading, as the case may be) to you for as long as you want to write.  We’ll also write you back as well.  Just want you to know that.

I loved your break up of the stats bit as well – and you hit it on the head in both of your suggestions – which I was trying to allude that there will be others out there with this (and yes, that’s all fine and they’ll be having to face and deal with their own demons as well) but for you to also know that you aren’t alone.  I guess just judging by the amount of responses and threads that are on this website alone is testimony to that.

Again, shall send this off and do hope to hear back from you Mandy.

Kind regards

Neil

[mandy6]

Are you suggesting that there is no way to fix the problem and that I should just learn to live with it and cope with not coping? Is this not very unproductive? should I just run away from my troubles and try to forget they ever existed? this is not what I want, I want to be able to feel comfortable being around people, I want to be able to accept things for what they are rather than interpreting them to be worse than they intend to be. I want to be able to trust people and then be able to tell them about my problems without worrying about what they'll think of me and see me as afterwards. Is it not too much to ask? (though they seem mysterious and fantastical I see these people around all of the time and they are what I like to think of as the epitome of life: forever carefree and joyous).

I want to break free! People think that I am funny, stupid, too serious, and that I don't care about much, they also think that I don't like having fun, and that I am boring. The best thing ever would just be if I could start afresh, create a new identity for myself which is not constricted by the established view people have of me.

[mandy6]

Hi again Neal,

your post reply actually made my day. this exchange in particular

"A checkout person on a register asks you how you are:  so much easier to say “Not bad thanx” instead of “You know what, I’m actually in a place that borders on hell at the moment – I’m lucky to be even here and I feel like shutting down”.  And you know, the ol’ “Not bad thanx” is also very true, cause more often than not ‘you’re NOT bad’ – you’re actually worse – much much worse."
I know it was supposed to be a kind of sad story but it's just so unintentionally funny!

Neal, you've posted a few million replies on here, so I would quite confident in saying that your "usefulness" is quite unlimited. When you say it like that it makes it sound like I am using you -OK, I am using you, but you are probably one of the kindest most supportive people I have come across lately and I feel completely comfortable in sharing all of my problems with you, something I've never done with anyone else (I hate my parents so most of the time I pretend they don't exist). You've actually been able to make me feel much more relaxed and comfortable and happy just through listening to me and giving the perception that you actually care (you also responded to my first thread a few months ago and that was the first time I admitted to myself that I had a problem and you were also very helpful then as well). 
I have one last problem which may sound really weird but here it goes; I have some irrational fears such as entering a room which is dark, and getting out of bed in the early morning. I also find it challenging to look up when walking in fear that I might trip even if the ground is flat. over the past few months i have found myself being able to face these fears by saying if they turn out to be true then I will die and not have to face school and the rest of life (opportunity cost right?) I am in no way suicidal, i have just stopped taking as many (unnecessary) precautions to prevent death. Am I extremely weird for thinking this??

[Neil_1]

Hi Mandy

No no - I wasn't suggesting that there's no way to fix the problem at all - with regard to the mask thing for being in society and being out, I was referring to what I do.

I tell you though - you make a compelling statement when you write.  It's well constructed and you obviously have your own ideas and what you want to get across, which is absolutely fantastic.  And this is the problem isn't it - to be able to get across how you can operate like now - in typing, and transferring that to when you're in front of others.

That IS a very broad array of opinions that "people" have of you - funny, stupid, serious and that you don't care much.  On top of that, no fun and that you're boring.  Some of those go hand in hand, but others are the opposite of each other.  Which makes me wonder, who "are" these "people" and why are we placing so much emphasis on what these people say?

Mandy, just at this point, I would also like to just ask a different line of things - but not forgetting to address any of the above stuff either.

May I ask what are some of your interests?  Do you have any hobbies or do you enjoy sports, what are some of your favourite musicians?  Oh and one last one - do you like or enjoy reading??   Just trying to gauge what other avenues we can explore to get things hopefully moving in a direction that is going to be where you'd like to go - towards some positiveness for you.

I'm not going away Mandy - I'm going to stay here with you and try to help out as much as I can.   I think White Knight will be chipping back in here as well and possibly others as well.

Kind regards

Neil