Social Anxiety

[SLB]

I’m really struggling with my social anxiety. My partner knows alllot of people, and it’s that time of the year where there’s allot of events on that we are to attend. And my anxiety is just through the roof. I can’t talk to anymore, I can’t make eye contact, I’m awkward, I choke on my words, and I’m so self aware of this, and I hate it! I feel weird and I don’t want to be known as that girlfriend who’s weird, awkward and can’t hold a conversation… I have no idea what I can do to get better at handling social interaction because it makes me so depressed 😞 

[Richju]

Dear SLB,

I was so sad to read your post regarding your social anxiety. I understand how nervous you must be before a social event and how this would make it worse for you. I was wondering if you are ok 1-1 or if your anxiety happens only with people you don't know well?

Have you discussed this with your partner? He may think you appear much more confident than you seem to feel.

Also, perhaps a chat to a counsellor may help.

I hope these suggestions are helpful and that you'll continue to post and let us know how you're going.

Big hugs and hopes for a more confident you,

Ruchju xxxx

[therising]

Hi SLB

My heart goes out to you while you feel so much stress and fear with all the approaching social outings. Can be enough to send the nervous system into overdrive, while also triggering a lot of challenging inner dialogue.

First and foremost, I believe it's so important to recognise and give a shout out to what I like to refer to as 'The legends of social interaction'. Personally, I love them and my nervous system loves them. They're the kind of people who put us at ease straight away. They can bring out the best in us in a tough situation. In the most socially stressful of situations, they can lead us to laugh, perhaps have us reveal our deepest passions through conversation or even lead us to see our ability to feel as being nothing to be ashamed of. For example, they may say 'To be honest, I find these kinds of events can feel a little stressful'. When you can feel these legends in your presence, it comes as an enormous relief. Never be too hard on yourself if they're not there, the people who put you at ease.

I honesty believe our partner or the person we go to an event with has an important role to play when it comes to our social anxiety. If one of their roles is to come outside with us for an occasional break and a breather, it's an important role and not one that should be neglected. It can be a way of managing the time at an event. For example, they could say 'We'll go for 3 hours and every half hour we'll have a break from the room, with a bit of strategic breathing meditation thrown in'. Sometimes it's just not enough for our partner to say 'You'll be fine'. They may need to manage a way for us to be fine or close to it. If they know of anyone at the event who also struggles with social anxiety, an introduction can come as a relief while you compare notes with that person, perhaps over a few laughs while talking about some of the most challenging of social situations.

This is a strange one, in the way of strategies, but I've found managing my imagination to be a must. If all I can imagine before an event involves me suffering stress at that event, my imagination will put my nervous system into overdrive before I even get there. Through my imagination, if I believe there is going to be one person at that event that I'm destined to meet, my challenge is to go and find that one person. It kind of becomes about being a detective in the way of detecting the people I have the most in common with, for example. I'm not going to the event to suffer, I going on a mission. This will help change the way I think and speak to people. It's not like I'm out to grill people, I'm more so looking for clues (as a detective). For example, 'What brings you here? Do you like coming to these events? What do you enjoy most about them? What kind of social events are your favourite?' and so on. Also, sometimes it's about giving our self permission to be honest. If I love the colour of someone's outfit, I'll tell them how much I like it. Gone are the days where my inner dialogue dictates 'Don't say that, you'll sound stupid'. Nothing wrong with raising people to a smile. You never know where a simple comment will lead. It can lead to a half hour conversation with a variety of segues in there. Going to an event with a sense of wonder can make wonder a powerful tool for managing. Not always easy for sure.

Then there are times where we need to do what best serves us. Personally, I'm a gal who won't go to certain events that are typically super loud, full of people who I know will be hard to get along with and where just about everyone's drinking. It's not a good combo for me. I've given myself permission to not have to pass those kinds of tests anymore. Btw, I'm not an 'eye contact' person either and for good reason. If someone's leading me to imagine what they're talking about, I simply don't make eye contact while I'm imagining. I can't make eye contact and imagine at the same time. 😊