Social anxiety

[tw2324]

I am 27 years old and I feel like I have no friends. I have always been very shy but I feel that ever since I finished school so long ago I have struggled to make lasting friendships. It is getting worse as I get older. I get nervous and tongue tied whenever I speak to people now because I feel as if they will just think I am a weird loser (which I have been called before) with nothing interesting to say. I have no social life at all, I go to work and I go home. I never have interesting things to say on a conversation because I don't do anything. I don't like to leave the house because I get anxious that people will look at me and think I am ugly or that I will do something embarrassing that someone will see. I have never had a long term boyfriend because I have such low self esteem and honestly I find it very difficult to talk to boys. The last time I went on a date was when I was about 20. I feel so immature compared to other girls my age that I know own who have lots of friends and long term relationships. I've lived out of home twice now only to come back because I feel like myself around my family and they actually like me. I have started a new job a week ago where I am living in a remote area working at a fancy hotel. A friend of mine got me this job after I wanted a change. Already i feel like my housemates think I am weird because I am quiet, that I won't succeed here and that I should just go back to my old job and my family. All I want is to be "normal". But I have recently accepted the fact that I will probably be going through the rest of my life by myself. I'm sorry this post is probably incoherent and all over the place. I find it hard to express myself. I am just scared that I am retreating into myself and that I am not making any effort to try and change things because it's easier not too. I like being alone but I get lonely sometimes. I wish I could talk to people who have similar issues to me and who get me and accept me. I just want to make friends that I can be myself around and not have to fake it all the time.

[Elsie77]

Wow, tw, this was me 20 years ago. When I was at uni, when there was a break I used to hide in the bathrooms or somewhere out of the way where people in my lecture wouldn't see me because I was terrified that if they saw me sitting alone they would think I was weird because I wasn't talking to anyone and also terrified that if someone did try to talk to me I would say/do something stupid. I walked through life in a constant state of embarrassment. I also felt like I must be weird because I hadn't had the boyfriends /friends that someone my age "should have". I don't have any real solutions except to say it is not like that anymore. I've had years of treatment with psychologists and psychiatrists and lots of cognative behavioural therepy as I also suffer from depression. Even when I was seeing the psychologist I felt miserable that I had to "pay someone to be my friend". The turning point was when I was set a challenge to go to uni and sit somewhere and stay there NO MATTER WHAT and if anyone came near me I was to look them in the eye, smile and introduce myself. This was painfuĺly difficult and I failed many times before I finally did it. I survived! I actually am still in contact with many of the friendship group that resulted from that and they tell me that they had no idea of the inner turmoil that was going on inside me. They thought I was a bit quiet but they didn't think of that as being bad! Anyway it's been a long road and I still suffer from social anxiety (some days worse than others) and I still have those thoughts but I am much better at voicing them or just seeing them for what they are. I do have friends now, not heaps but the ones I have are good ones and life is easier. Also the older I get now, the less I care what anyone thinks and I'm also quite fond of deliberately making a fool of myself and laughing at myself. Anyway if you feel like voicing any of your socially anxious feelings or thoughts I may be able to relate. I would also strongly suggest you visit the gp and get in contact with a professional as I wouldn't be living my life now if it wasn't for treatment. Social anxiety is a real condition and can become paralyzing. There was a point where I couldn't even cross the road at the traffic lights or zebra crossing because I was aware of the people in the waiting cars watching and judging me. I would like to help if I can. It also helps me to talk about where I was as it reminds me that I'm actually doing ok!

[Nikkir]

Hi tw2324,

Thank you for reaching out, it takes alot of courage and I really feel for you. It must be hard to want to connect with people and not having that part of your life to share with others. I think its great that you can acknowledge and accept where you are at and you know what you need, that is a big step. If you want to work through it at a deeper level you could see a GP and get a mental health plan. As far as making changes, I would suggest small steps. Go to things that are quite casual and then work your way from there. Recently I moved to a new area and I was completely alone and it was awful. I lived alone and was alone. I began by going to yoga and doing some interest things from joining groups on facebook. At these events I can go and chat if I want to at a superficial level and build on that if I want to. Either way it got me out of the house and broke the routine of going straight home. If you don't feel confident doing that forums and online chats like this and others are a great start or even online groups. I study Buddhism online and we have forums, its not much but its something. There is that app Meet up where people have different groups and you can go along if it interests you. Try to think about the passions and interests you have just for you and hopefully you can build from there slowly. I saw a man make a post on facebook saying he was lonely and a pensioner and wanted a fishing buddy and he was inundated with responses. I know that is extreme but my point is you are not alone even if it feels like it. You just have to try to find and connect with the people that are right for you. It may take time to build confidence, I still haven't reached out too much but I know that its up to me. Please call us on 1300 22 4636 or chat on any of the forums and let us know how you are going or if there is anything we can do. Wishing you all the best, we are all in this together. Nikkir x

[h12]

tw2324,

First off, you're a legend for coming to these forums and opening up. I hope you'll feel like you can keep coming back as often as you want. I'm a 22 year old guy in a similar situation to you actually. I have such respect for people like you who are obviously intelligent and incredibly thoughtful but who maybe find it difficult to get all they want from life because of social anxiety etc.

It sounds like you've realised you're at a bit of a crossroads really, the way you talk about your future and your past gives me that impression. What strikes me as important is that it really seems like you want to change. You want to expand your social circle, feel acceptance, maybe meet someone special. I'm an introvert but I get lonely a lot too - everyone needs that closeness to others to some extent. It's natural, it's healthy.

In my case, as of a few weeks ago, I had an extremely limited social circle, and the loneliness, the jealousy of wanting to be physically close to people, was absolutely overwhelming. I decided to go to a few local youth club meetings and gosh it was tough but as of this moment I already feel a massive boost to my confidence.

A few suggestions: find a club based on an interest you have and go to just one thing with minimal expectations either way about how it's going to be. Even if it doesn't work the first time it's good experience that can't be taken away from you. Don't feel like you need to change your personality as it is now for anyone - you can make adjustments yes if necessary but I promise you even if you have a bit of a different personality there is a large portion of the world that doesn't think you're weird. Weirdness is such a subjective thing, and a stupid concept anyway I think. If people actually reject you harshly, they aren't worth you making the effort for them. Don't think just because you're 27 it's too late. I know exactly what you mean about other people your age - but you have to accept the way things are now and take action based on your circumstances alone. Just practice talking to people online first. Exposure therapy is absolutely fundamentally crucial to dealing with social anxiety in most cases.

Again, I think if you are a thoughtful person and have the drive to make a change you're already onto a winning combination. If you start small and build up some confidence, before long you'll find those people who will accept you and that'll be a day to remember!

Happy to help further. All the best, Hugh

[Muddlee]

Hi tw2324,

First of all well done for reaching out and talking about what's bothering you because that's the first step to solving any problem in life. Second of all I can totally relate to the social anxiety your experiencing. For me it was leaving school and starting university. I had a handful of close friends when I finished the HSC but suffered from pretty severe GAD when I started my first year of uni. I felt like my close friends had drifted apart from me, everyone judged me as a 'weirdo' or not 'socially attractive' and regularly suffered from getting tongue tied, stuttering, mispronouncing words or saying things that I thought were just plain stupid. Worst thing was that I always had this 'awkward feeling' around people where I was extra quiet or had nothing to say. For me I had to start out really slow (even something as small as saying 'hello' or 'how are you?') then work my way to building conversations and so forth. You may think asking really basic questions like 'so what sport's are you into?' or 'how's work going?' etc are really awkward or stupid but honestly people love being asked those questions and it's a great way to start conversation and form common interests. And I too thought I was 'fake' or had 'fake friendships' for sometime but challenging this belief made me realise that the people I talked to, despite what I felt or thought, really enjoyed my company and sense of humour. And when I think people are judging me about being weird or quiet I just shrug my shoulders and remind myself that you can't please everyone in this world.

Hope this helps in realising that you're COMPLETELY NORMAL.

Muddleee

[Infinite_Faith]

HI tw2324,

I understand how you feel. You almost described my life. I also have anyone that I would call a friend. When I was young for some reason I didn't care, but like you said as I am getting older I am questioning my philosophy. (Or lack of)

I have spent 1000's of hours alone practicing my musical instrument. That is quiet a lonely life. But it is a choice one makes if they play an instrument.

My facebook is so sad, I have 5 friends. But that was my fault. I have trouble fitting in to the norm....I get very vervous and shy around people I don't know. To the point where I just don't speak. It's almost automatic.

Do you have any hobbies?

All the best

IF