Social anxiety destroying my life

Talon · ‎26-06-2017

Hi there,

I'm a 46 year old male and believe I have endured some degree of social anxiety for as long as I can remember. In the past I've sought professional assistance and been given coping strategies and other advice. I suppose I didn't ever really seriously put any of these to use.

To this day I still suffer and endure this nightmare. I sometimes find myself reminiscing about the past and not in a good way. I believe I've existed through most of my life thus far, and never really enjoyed events and occasions which should have been celebrated, creating memories which bring a smile to your face. Instead, I made these events and occasions unbearable at times and although getting through most of them without quitting, come out the other end worse off. I mean this in that I have and exhibit little to no confidence, constantly mind read what other may be thinking and avoid many activities I enjoy, in case I'm struck down with a massive hit of anxiety. Almost always caused by my irrational negative thoughts.

I have found it difficult to make and foster decent mateships. I only have a couple of mates who I sometimes also feel anxious around, thinking am I ruining this or that outing. I'm sure it shows to. I become reserved and leave analysing the night as to how I came across and was received. Even though I have know them for a very long time.

I'm getting older and wonder if I'll ever be a happier, go lucky type person who accepts me for me. I have always been a people pleaser and been taken advantage of on numerous occasions. I have a good heart and would give the shirt off my back to help anyone, known to me or not. That's just me. I don't expect anything in return but rarely am I contacted again (boys trips away etc) and find out later. This only serves to exacerbate my anxiety and question everything about my being.

I'm currently going through a separation with my wife (we have a 4 year old and 1 year old) I'm most likely facing a medical discharge from my job due to PTSD and face a very uncertain future (26 years in this job). I'll be starting a job from scratch. I have no idea if I want to continue my marriage and have no other skills. I have been divorced before (have 2 teenage boys) and am feeling absolutely worthless. I can't bear the thought of failing my children because my anxiety, coupled with PTSD, depression and very little confidence has plagued me for so long I'll never change.

Please any advice or words of hope appreciated.

BballJ · ‎26-06-2017

Hi Talon,

Sorry to read what you are going through, I can relate to some of what you are saying, I am a long term anxiety sufferer so I know the pain and feelings that come associated with it.

My first thought is that seeking professional help again is probably the best start for yourself, just start by seeing your GP and then possibly a referral to a psychologist. I understand you have been given coping strategies before but anxiety is one of those things I find where you need to work to the root of the problem to work out where it stems from and how you can tackle it in the future, it is never too late to start getting better and learning how to live with anxiety. It is possible to live a happy life with it, it's just using the coping strategies put in place and practising them.

I can say you will get through this, so many people on these forums suffer from anxiety in one form or another and it can be overcome with the right help, these forums are great supporting blocks so you have come to the right place and we are always here to listen and help where we can with advice.

Please also remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

My best for you,

Jay

Daisy129 · ‎29-06-2017

Hi Talon, I am new here so actually I found it really helpful to read your post as I have had and am going through a very similar experience, and it's good to know I'm not the only one. I have had a lot of help with social phobia / anxiety and depression over the years and have tried many different things and at times have felt like things will never get any better for me and that this is an awful curse. But I have done a lot of research and reflection and actually there are positives, and I have found things get better for me when I can seek out and focus on the positives. I also accept that sometimes there are bad days and I just try to get through them and try not to be too hard on myself. It is hard when you're feeling at your worst and when you look back, your depressed feelings paint the worst picture of your past, present and future. It is also hard when you try the recommended forms of getting better and they don't always seem to help. For me, once I understood how anti-depressants work, and how the body and brain chemicals work to create some of the feelings of dread and fear, I felt there was some hope that if I could look after my health it would help with everything else. I find that when I am really looking after my health, the fears and anxiety are less and it is easier to talk myself around to the positive. I have had lots of problems in relationships and jobs because of my issues but I also find that it's a good way of creating more opportunities in life to connect to new people and try to find people who will better be able to understand what I am going through and better support me. I hope this becomes true for you. It probably doesn't feel that way when you are going through the worst time of separation and risk of losing your job, but things won't always be as tough as they are now, you sound like a good person with good intentions and although it doesn't always seem like it, there are a lot of good people in the world and things will get easier. Also, in regards to your kids, the most important thing is that they know that you love them.

Heretohelp2017 · ‎29-06-2017

Good day Talon

It is great to see you have such an insight of your symptoms. I can understand how much anguish you must endure from feeling this way, and thinking this way.

I hope you don't mind if I go through some of the things you mentioned, it may give you some clarity into understanding what is going on. Firstly you mentioned you had PTSD- I am thinking what type of trauma you underwent for this to occur? and also if you have received the right therapy for healing yourself ( not just coping methods)..PTSD has been removed from the DSM V as an anxiety disorder and is now classified as a trauma-related stress disorder. There are good reasons for this, and one of them is so the person gets the correct treatment. PTSD has a few criteria sections- and from what you have mentioned I can clearly identify them. I am going to be exact so you can trust that what I am writing is accurate information. Criteria D ( for PTSD) Includes : Persistent negative alterations is moods and cognitions, and persistent negative emotional state, which are- fear, horror, anger, guilt and shame. Also persistent negative beliefs about oneself. Diminished interest in or participation in significant activities and Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others. There are many other factors with PTSD, though I feel these are very dominant in what you are experiencing. Stress, or prolonged stress is also very significant and angry outburst are also common, and many times this is followed by guilt or shame.

The reason I have bought these to your attention, is so you can except that these are valid and real symptoms of PTSD. By recognising them, you can diminish any confusion and distorted cognitions and Furthmore not add to them. When you experience these or live with them daily you can remind yourself- hey this is my symptoms I don't need to analyse what is going on or find cause for them in my environment or amongst friends, I give this complete acknowledgment. Once you truly except that this is a real diagnoses you can be less afraid ( not sure if you are, but fear comes in many forms, including anxiety) of what you are experiencing and from then onwards you can start to gain power of what is actually happening.

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