Social anxiety and no meaningful friendships.

[Guest_125]

I have been trying to recover from depression and anxiety, including social anxiety, for a while now.

Met up with some people over the weekend for my husband's birthday and was mostly fine. That is until I was caught up in a situation where I was left alone with another woman, a partner of my husband's friend. I know this woman and I've been to her house for BBQs with my husband before. She's by all accounts a really decent person. Usually I am OK talking briefly to other women, with my husband or other familiar people by my side. But one-to-one I felt fearful and couldn't talk.

Since then I realised I have actually managed to avoid any situation where I am alone with a woman my age in a social setting for years and years. Maybe through subconscious effort. But this goes beyond my normal strain of social anxiety.

In hindsight I kind of suspect I felt that way because she is the same gender and age and in the same circle as me, and therefore a genuine candidate for friendship. I've realised I've been totally fearful of making friends and have done everything I can to put enough walls up to stop it from happening. I mostly satisfy my need to socialise through my husband's mates who I've known for 15 years, but who'd otherwise have nothing to do with me if it weren't for my husband.

I have been seeing a therapist who has touched on social anxiety with me a bit (mostly focused on other issues though). I have improved in terms of just being around others in social situations, but none of it is going beyond the very brief obligatory chat to any real meaningful connection to others. Some fear in me will just not allow it to happen. It's like a mental wall is up in my mind and I can't see a way around or over it. Most of my life, I have contrasted myself from others to keep the walls up - pretending I am different to them, have nothing in common, and so there's no point in getting to know me. Now I am reaching a point where I want to more actively seek meaningful connections to others, but I just can't move past the mental barriers. I think that I need to focus on my social anxiety a bit more in my therapy sessions now, but I don't see my therapist for another month. I guess I just want to get my thoughts and worries down. Would appreciate any insight or sharing of remotely similar exeriences/feelings...?

[quirkywords]

intergalactic-kitty,

welcome to the forum and thanks for starting this thread.

You understand where you are on your journey and now want to move forward but feel you can’t go beyond the mental barriers. The fact you are aware there are these barriers will help,What do you see as the biggest mental barrier that stops you from moving forward?

Some people think that while social anxiety does not go away, it is able to be managed. For some people this means finding ways to lessen the fear of social interactions.

I understand how you have decided you were different from others and have nothing in common, and I wonder if you like yourself. Sometimes people feel as they do. It like themselves why would others like them. Sometimes our own concept of ourselves .

I sometime find the thought of going out to meet a group of people I do not know that well to be difficult. I once went to the bathroom and stayed there until I convinced myself I needed to come out and sit down and have my meal. I did not have to talk but I need to be present. I managed that and even managed some conversation. People who know me see me as confident but at times it can seem too much.

You are working on your anxiety and have insights. is your husband supportive and aware of how much you have achieved so far?

On the Beyond Blue website there are resources you may find helpful.

Go to the Personal Best page and the section on anxiety.

There is a thread in the Anxiety Forum - Tips on Managing Anxiety that maybe of interest.

Quirky

[PamelaR]

Hi Intergalatic-Kitty and welcome back to the forums

From your 2017 posts I see you’ve changed psychologists now. Hopefully this one is better and using an approach that you find beneficial rather than CBT.

From what you wrote last year, you had a mother that could have had a mental health issue and this could be at the basis of your social anxiety. Your life sounds very much like mine.

My mother had a mental health issue that was never diagnosed. Her particular style of parenting had a detrimental impact on my sociality, i.e. my fear of being friends with women and social situations. That fear lasted decades until memories from my upbringing began to emerge in my 40s. I started seeing a psychologist then who helped me to understand the memories were flashing before my eyes. It was a very difficult time, I couldn’t believe some of it. Mothers are meant to look after you, give you love, wash away the tears, hold your hand when you’re sad.

Relations with women were always estranged. I always felt better in male company. Felt safer. This is an oddity that I won’t go into now because of other things that happened in my life.

After seeing a lovely psychologist she helped me to understand myself. That was one of the important things, to understand how I responded to situations and that there are actually different ways to respond. She was gentle and caring. Never pushed, allowed me to go at my own speed.

Now, 20 years on, I can socialise and be friends with women. For a limited time - an hour or so is generally the max I’m able to remain in that environment before I want to turn and run. It is an improvement and I’m okay with that.

Be gentle with yourself. Growing up in a dysfunctional environment is very taxing. However, it does not need to continue to define who you are or who you want to be. It just takes time to work through all those years of abuse.

Keep reaching out, if and when you want to kitty. You are not alone.
Kind regards
PamelaR

[Guest_125]

Thanks for your thoughts Quirky, and I will check out those resources! A lot of what I have been working on is my self esteem, so I have learnt to like myself and recognise my strengths. I am more comfortable being with myself at home, and I am able to recognise when I am doing well at work rather than constantly nitpicking myself. It just doesn't seem to be doing much for me in this situation. Fear just takes over. I start worrying about how I seem, whether I'll say and do the wrong thing, and so on. The more potential there is for friendship, the higher I feel the stakes are, and the more I feel the urge to just head for the hills!

[Guest_125]

Hi PamelaR, thanks for sharing your experience too. It's never nice to know others have had to go through similar things, but it can be a lonely feeling going through it, and it's always helpful to know that someone knows where you're coming from. I appreciate it.

My second psychologist has been great so far, thanks.

"Safer" is exactly how I feel around men compared to women. It probably seems pretty strange to some people. But it's not like I have a general dislike for other women. I appreciate, care about and look up to plenty of women. For some reason, I am also fearful around them. And yes, I am pretty certain it probably links back to how I was treated by my mother, at least in part. I hope to reach a point where I can feel comfortable enough to make friends with other women too. I definitely don't want my past to define me.

[PamelaR]

Hi Intergalactic-Kitty

Yeh, I know exactly what you mean, it's not that I disliked women, it was I didn't know how to act/behave. It was odd really. They always seem more critical than men, i.e. when they talk, they're more likely to be critical of things. Whereas in discussions with men, it can be more 'rational', 'logical'. Discussions made sense. I grew up with very limited perception of feelings and emotions, although, I always knew when someone or something was not right. My body sensed it, but consciously I didn't understand. Not sure if this makes any sense.

To explain a little more, my body goes into 'hypervigilant' mode. My bodily senses pick up on others anxiety and anger. Huge trigger for me. Though now I understand my self, and that I know about feelings what they are, what they mean, I'm more able to manage situations where someone is 'anxious', 'angry' etc. Took a long time. So for me, it is understandable why I did not chose the company of woman. Not so bad these days though.

When someone is anxious - I have to try to make them 'right'. I do this all the time with my hubby. But he is someone safe who I can try to help. There was never any hope in helping my mother.

Being aware of your life's experiences is one way of making sure the past doesn't define you. You're doing really well by recognising what has happened. Good on you Kitty.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Guest_125]

Yes I very much relate to what you said about not knowing how to act or behave.

And I do struggle with the emotional way other women can behave. It feels less predictable and it triggers anxiety. I still don't quite fully understand why.