Should I leave a great job over my anxiety?

[Sal559]

I’m thinking of quitting a great job because I am so anxious and overwhelmed. I’ve only been there for a few months and I work with some super smart, caring people. But I can’t shake the anxiety and dread I feel every day going into work and having to hide it from my small, close knit team. Some mornings I wake up with heart palpitations, I have trouble sleeping and sometimes I don’t eat for whole days from the stress.

I’m a software engineer but was a late career changer and prior to that I worked in the arts. I was an A-type in my last career, but in this career, but more specifically in this job, I feel like I am drowning. I have major anxieties when pressured to think on my feet or present/talk in groups even though I know I could do it if everyone wasn’t watching. I look like an idiot because I’m tripping over my words or blanking out and each time it happens, it knocks my confidence even more. I feel so stupid compared to my colleagues. I’m the least experienced in my team and I feel like I take so much longer to learn or achieve anything compared to everyone else. It doesn’t help that I’ve had brain fog over the past year which I suspect is from some trauma in 2020 (big breakup and general burnout I never resolved). The fogginess is affecting my cognitive abilities—I’m way more forgetful, scattered and not as sharp as before. It's really frightening. No one is telling me I’m doing a bad job but I know I am.

The lockdowns have only exacerbated the anxiety and negative feelings and I feel like I can’t cope. On top of it all, I feel so guilty for not enjoying a good job. It’s stupid, but the biggest thing that holds me back from quitting aside from not having anything else lined up is the thought of the extra stress I’ll endure having to explain everything to my team and the guilt of letting down some excellent people. Some days I feel like I can push through and other days I feel like I must leave in order to get better.

[Petal22]

Hi Sal559,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you are feeling this way, I understand it must be difficult for you……

My advice would be no don’t quit your job because of your anxiety…… yes anxiety can be very overwhelming I understand I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered thanks to the professional help I received… I saw my gp ( we did a mental health plan together and I was put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety)…. I saw a clinical phycologist, psychiatrist and I did a 8 week group therapy for OCD…..

Have you thought about seeking help for your anxiety? You could start at your gp and do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist who can give you many strategies for your anxiety… it will really help….

I’m sorry you had some previous trauma…. You could also talk to your gp and psychologist about this I’m sure they could help you…

I believe that when we go through uncomfortable times with a new job or others things it is creating growth within us….. keep pushing the boundaries because if we don’t and just stay in our safe place we will never grow……..

Your team sounds wonderful I’m sure they would like to support you in your new role…….. if you feel you want to you could bring your feelings up with them or your boss I’m sure they will understand and want to help you……… they may have felt the same as you when they started and have now grown into the role……

here to chat to you

[Dadoftwo]

Hi Sal559. Thanks for sharing your story. I can really relate to the anxiety about going to work. I've had 3 jobs where I could barely face going in because of the stress (distress) it caused me. In one case, I had to quit, which was an immense relief. But I'm not suggesting you necessarily do that! But if you do decide that's the way to go, leave aside the guilt about others. We are all replaceable in work situations - even your work mates!

I'm wondering whether you feel comfortable enough to speak to your supervisor or a colleague about how you feel? Or perhaps someone in HR, if you have an HR dept? Also, most workplaces have an employee assistance program that offers counselling. It might pay to research that.

I'd also be careful about judging yourself too harshly on your own performance. Anxiety can magnify small things into huge issues in our minds, whereas others looking on may not even have noticed, or if they did, thought little of it. Remember, you were hired for this position, so you must have some skills, abilities and attributes that your employer values. Try not to compare yourself to the others in your team - try instead comparing yourself to the you of last week, before you learned something new, or became more proficient at a task.

Anyway, I hope this helps! Best of luck!

Matt

[Isabella_]

Hey Sal559,

First of all I want to say that it's a really great thing that you can acknowledge exactly what you're feeling, how it's affecting you and what you think might cause it. The hardest part about anxiety as some replies have mentioned is that it can tell you that you're a failure and make you compare yourself to other people. It's so difficult to distinguish objective facts vs what your anxiety is telling you.

I don't doubt for a second that you're good at what you do. The anxiety you feel may of course impact your performance which isn't your fault, but ultimately on the other side of that, it means you care greatly about working in a team and doing your best. I may not have the answers, but if you truely believe that if at this point in your life your work is bringing you this amount of stress and anxiety, then please do what is best for your health. It doesn't mean that you're incapable, untalented or any of that. I just think it's important for you right now to take the steps to treating your anxiety, and then decide later if you would want to go back into software engineering. Your mental, physical and emotional wellbeing is clearly suffering right now, and fear of disappointment from others or any social factors shouldn't ever hold you back from being healthy.

How do you feel about telling your manager about it? How do you feel about sticking with your job for now, and go to see a GP to treat your anxiety?

Ultimately I think only you know the right answer by weighing the pros and cons. Ask yourself questions like.. how long do you think staying in this job the way you're going is sustainable? Is it more important to push through my mental health right now for my job, or is treating my health issues right now?

From an outsider looking in, it seems so impossible waking up with heart palpitations, not eating enough, feeling anxious and overwhelmed, brain fogginess. If you believe it's affecting your work, and your overall life satisfaction, please do whatever you need to do to feel better. No one should be expected to be overwhelmed and anxious everyday, while feeling like they're a disappointment to your team, because I'm sure a lot of that is what your anxiety is telling you.

Please take care of yourself. There will always be a great job available, but it will never be amazing without taking care of your health first.

I hope I helped in some way, I'd love to hear from you 🙂

Take care.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Sal559,

A warm welcome to the forums, and thank you for posting your story here. I'm really glad to have you here with us.

There's no shame in quitting your job over your own personal well being. But before deciding, I would implore you to reassess your working environment. If there's been issues with toxic culture, bullying, or abuse, then yes, it would be reasonable to quit for your own well being. But if your team is supportive and wonderful, and very brilliant minded people. Perhaps you could use that to your advantage and improve yourself. It can certainly be daunting and scary when starting a new role. But allow yourself some room for mistakes, so that you can learn and grow together with your team. There's no need to perform your job perfectly, so long as you do your best, and learn from your working experiences, that's as much as the team and company would ask from you. The only time you'd have to do your job perfectly, is if you're a surgeon for various reasons....

If you don't mind me asking for some clarifications. You mentioned that you were an A-Type in your last career in arts. Do you remember how you felt when you first started your job as a fresh hire? Were you encountering the same problems as present, or did you have a different mind set during those times?

Sorry to hear about your trauma from last year... I can understand how a big breakup may have impacted you, as it did for me just this year when I went through my first ever big break up. It made me question a lot about myself as a person, and completely shattered me. I'm still working through my own problems, but I'm definitely feeling some positive progression, which is the most important to me at the moment. If there's anything that you'd like to talk about, whether it's something that had not been processed from your big break up, or something else that you want to share. I'd be happy to listen to you.

Jt

[Sal559]

Wow, thank you all for the amazing responses!

It's made my day knowing there are such supportive people out there who care. Reading through this forum has been helpful in showing me that I'm not alone.

In answer to your question Petal22, I'm going to start seeing a psychologist tomorrow. I've struggled with mental issues through a couple phases in my life, although I'd say this is the first time I've felt anxiety to this level (past problems were more around depression). I was seeing a psych to help with my breakup last year but stopped in February this year when I started feeling better, but obviously things got worse recently in different ways. I'm hoping this new psychologist tomorrow will help me gain further perspective.

Isabella_ and Dadoftwo, thank you both for the warm words. And Dadoftwo as much as I am sorry you had to go through your own similar experiences, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm not sure how to tell my manager about my issue, but I know I should. She is wonderful and I want to be honest with her. I also thought about getting treatment while staying in the job but it's reached a tipping point recently and I don't know if I'd get enough relief from doing that.

jtjt_4862 to clarify about being an A-Type in the last career, I was working for myself and although I did have some issues with overwork and perfectionism, I was generally quite happy with how I was doing. I'd have moments where I'd feel a little nervous before a big project day but overall I was quite satisfied and proud of the work I was doing. It's a very stark contrast to where I am now, but the two careers are vastly different from each other.

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup as well and it sounds like we went through a similar thing. I too questioned many things about myself but also about other people and it made me very interested in behavioural psychology. I too felt shattered for a long time but am finally in a position to say I feel like I have truly moved on. So I know you will too, but it really does take time. Here to chat also if you'd like.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Sal559,

Many thanks for your thoughts and response. I appreciate your words very much, and will continue doing my best to heal. I feel I've progressed a lot since my break up, and reflecting on my progress, I'm happy with what I've achieved so far, with many more improvements to come.

If I'm not mistaken, your past career was as a freelancer (you are your own boss, and worker, for your own company)? It certainly is a big difference between your past career, and your current one. Perfectionists wants absolute control over things, and being a boss of your own, gives you that control. But in a large organization, it has way more factors and variables, and those factors and variables are out of our control. if we try to be perfect and gain control of everything around us like we used to do, it's going to end up tormenting us because its mentally and physically taxing to control the impossible.

But a new experience, is always going to be beneficial to our growth and development. With your competitiveness, I believe you will be able to do well in your new career as you strive to become better at what you're doing. The only person you have to beat in your career, is your past self :). By that I mean:

• Learn to cut yourself some slack over things that you cannot control, and only focus on what's important to you.
• Cut your 'perfect' self some slack, and welcome failures and mistakes. Learn to reflect on them to do better.
• Give your job your very best to become better.
• Leverage off the support from your seniors and juniors to learn and improve yourself (They sound like very supportive people, so don't be afraid to ask silly questions).
• Support your team the best you can, even if your ideas are silly, it might be a treasure for them.
• Enjoy your new career 🙂 Learn and grow with it.

I believe in you Sal559, and you're doing great! Good luck with your psychiatrist visit today. And always here to chat with you too.

Jt

[Petal22]

Hi Sal 559,

Thats great you are seeing a psychologist, I hope all goes well…… Keep up with the therapy it all really helps……. Has psychologists in the past given you strategies?