I would like to share some of my stories about my struggle. I wright them during real moments as a snap shot, I have to edit them into
stories as often they can be just a jumble of words or nonsense sentences i scribble down at a point in a journey. i hope you like them
To disappear
Its 3 o'clock I am up and sleep is not
on my mind, theirs nothing to do theirs no one to talk to. I make
some tea to try and distract myself for the feeling of collapse that
my mind is in. No where to go ,no doors I can open, I feel trapped.
The nurses stare from the glass station pretending to be occupied by
work but I feel the glancing looks from behind the screens. No where
to hide I am in constant line of sight.. I begin to feel the wrath of
my own mind as the speed of my thoughts quickens, repeating the same
messages over and over. The feeling of something coming, the
inevitable sense that I am not about to be me. Confusion, pain , in
this moment I am not sure where I am. It takes a while for the
surroundings to become some what normal and familiar. I am not where
I was, theirs no cup of tea. The nurse is beside me calling my name ,
I hear her and try to focus on the voice. You disappeared for a while
she says, the reality of what happened hits home. The evil triplet
the strangest of the three Mr dissociative has had a play. The other
two siblings anxiety and panic are still there, like they been freed
from there estranged partner in crime they continue the offensive. I
remember nothing from beginning to the end its like I had simply
vanished Its not a new thing to me nor is it surprising but it is
terrifying and totally un welcome. Over the years I have learned It
can not drive, it does not know left from right, stairs seem
troublesome. I still wonder what it is like though, do I talk , can I
run or jump, so many things without answers. I stand up and make my
way back to my tea ,its gone cold. 4 o'clock that is 1 hour I have
lost for ever, it has simply disappeared.
