Self esteem and anxieties

[LittleBlueWren]

Hey all,

I'm new to this and don't know much about threads. Just wanted to see how others have felt and dealt with self esteem issues.

Long and the short of it, I am engaged and about to buy a house with my fiance. We have a long history. Like realllly long history, dating back to school friends. We also had a long time apart but found ourselves reconnecting after solo travel etc.

We moved interstate together. To start a life we had been dreaming of. I thought things were great! Apparently he may not have. I found out he was advertising himself on a dating site. Trying to meet women for a hook up. He didn't meet anyone and deleted the account but my anxiety is through the roof and now I am doubting everything and myself. Am i not good enough? What is missing? Why cant he come to me about this? Am i not who he wants? Just a safe option. Do we get married and continue to buy a house or not? Do I walk away? If so, where to? We moved 1500kms away and i know no one. He wants to move through it as do I but how do i feel better about myself when this has happened? How do we rebuilt us and how do i rebuild me? Helllppppp

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story, I know it's not always easy to do that.

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you made that discovery about your partner. I cannot stress enough that his actions have nothing to do with you, and they aren't a reflection of you or who you are, your self worth, your quality as a partner. He has proven himself to be untrustworthy by betraying your trust like that. I'm curious if you guys have ever spoken about it.. Does he know that you know, and how did he react?

I can't tell you the right/wrong thing to do.. But I really hope that you realise that this isn't your fault. When you're in love with someone, it's very easy to be forgiving and see the best in them, and it isn't until you're away from them that you realise who they truly are. You're able to think more logically when you aren't in the relationship or you're on a break with them.

I have very low self esteem. I was in a long term relationship with someone who showed a lot of red flags, and I made a lot of excuses for them, because I wanted to live a life with them, I loved them, I believed that they were genuinely sorry, and that they really loved me. After separating I realise how blind I was, and how I let myself be manipulated. I let him get away with things and turned a blind eye, and he continued to do things behind my back.

I hope that you can recognise this as a massive red flag to his commitment to you.. I know having low self esteem means that you let people get away with things, because at the end of the day it's a sense of love and validation or security that you may be looking for. This behaviour isn't okay, and I feel heartbroken for you that you're blaming yourself and believe it's a reflection of you, because I've been there myself. I can say that I am much better off without the other person, and they will later regret what they lost.

I don't know the entire situation. But I hope I can be the voice for you that says that you deserve better, and you have the right to be furious, hurt, and angry at your partner. He put you in the position where you have massive anxiety about the relationship, and no one should ever put you in that position.

I hope I hear from you.

[Miz]

Hi LittleBlueWren,

First of all, I want to say a big welcome to the forums! You are very welcome and we are always open for a chat.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation - it seems like your partner has disrespected you and really let you down. Even though he did not follow through I believe the intention of his actions is enough. to have really hurt you. However, as Isabella stated, it's so important that you know that his actions are NOT a reflection of your value or worth but rather his own problems and insecurities. Additionally, the fact that he was not open with you about his behaviour and actions. May I ask, did he tell you about this or did you find out some other way? It's important to note that he may have continued this behaviour had you not found out. You might like to think about this when you are considering your decision to stay with him.

Again I do not no the whole story but I agree with Isabella in that this is a bad sign, especially because you are about to commit to each other long term and he has already showed a lack of commitment and faith. The bottom line is that you deserve someone who respects you and it committed, and if they feel otherwise they should at the very least communicate this to you. If he does not give you this it might be time to reconsider...

Here if you need to discuss this more. Thinking of you in this difficult time.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am so sorry this happened. That is definitely betrayal and you have every right to feel hurt.

I agree with others that this is not good and a bad sign, but i always stress that only YOU know the relationship and YOU know what is best for you. SO make your decision based on that. You deserve someone better long-term who is ready to commit.

But I just wanted to say I would feel hurt as well if this happened and would feel just as stuck.

I am sorry,

Jaz.