Seeking same

[Scared]

I have discussed my depression on here but I never talked about Anxiety yet and wanted to know if my anxiety is same as others

I have no benchmark in rating it.

Last attack lasted 3 weeks . I wake up with dread before I even open my eyes. This fear inside would last all day and was constantly making me weak in knees.   Every minute everyday was relentless .  It got to the point I was waiting for something to break but it never did.

All day saying to myself this isnt possible to take anymore.

They upped my meds, but it didnt help.  When it was over I crashed into a cycle of depression.

Is this normal and I have a new found respect for other sufferers. 
My anxiety never was this bad before

[Ben]

Hi Scared. We meet again 😀

I'm pretty much anxious all the time, worrying about the future but mine doesn't manifest so physically. My neck and shoulder muscles are always tight and I do sometimes, more frequently these days, have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and I do have digestion issues from time to time. Anxiety often also prevents me from getting to sleep and lack of sleep leads to more anxiety and depression but eventually over several days, I will be so sleepy that I will sleep soundly so it's a bit of a cycle of manageable and bad. By extension, this also means that a good night sleep seems to be very important for reducing anxiety. Apparently adults need between 7-9 hrs of good quality sleep and for me, it's 9 or more hours. Hard to achieve but I do try these days, with mixed success, to view sleep as equally important as any other bodily function. My anxiety has also gotten worse over time as I've gotten older and more life events have occurred.

Can I ask, if you are comfortable sharing, if there was any life event that may have triggered this onset? Potentially identifying it can lead to strategies to cope with it that in turn can lead to addressing the root cause.

Apart from meds, are there any other strategies you have tried? I once attended a free mindfulness class. They said that anxiety is usually associated with thinking about the past or future and for me that's true. Which is why mindfulness is about techniques to help you focus on the present, like breathing and focusing on your breathing. In doing so, you essentially prevent yourself from dwelling on the past or future. Even if you can only do the mindfulness a bit, it can provide at least a temporary respite from the anxiety. I have to confess, I've only had limited success with mindfulness to date and I think you really have to do it frequently enough that it becomes an ingrained habit for it to be most effective but it's still a tool I manage to use sometimes.

I've recently returned to exercise and it also provides a good temporary respite. For me, running is better than walking but on the days I can't run, even walking provides some benefit. So in general, I think even low intensity exercise helps.

I also recently read an interesting technique in the book "The Worry-Free Mind" by Carol Kershaw et. al., albeit I haven't read the whole book. The concept is that our mind remembers the emotions attached to situations and memories. So by recalling a happy/peaceful/calm memory or looking at a photo of a happy/peaceful/calm time, we can trigger feeling the same emotion. I've had some success with this but depending on the magnitude of the anxiety, it may not always be potent enough and I suppose it also depends on life history. I'm guessing those with a super happy memory, which I can't say that I have, will have an advantage over others. The converse is true too. By recalling a sad/distressing memory, we feel the associated negative emotion.

[Scared]

Yes there was an event.  I was lying in bed one night about 1 year ago when living in Thailand and it occurred to me I havnt done my taxes for years.  Altho I had nothing to hide it just became a serious blown up issue and I couldnt sleep and had dooms day thoughts.

Six months later I came back to fix this issue and whilst going thru it all I just started to get scared that something bad will happen.   My tax agent was saying dont worry you being honest and now rectifying this mess. It didnt matter what he said I just had a 3 week anxiety attack that no amount of perspective could fix.   So when it was over and my tax agent said he told me nothing to worry about I just kept getting sicker like it had a mind of its own.  To me it felt like I was paralysed with fear as tho I was awaiting execution.  My legs and knees wobble and weak my gut was knotted and it wouldnt stop. Even my self talk couldnt convince this anxiety that I had nothing to fear as Im not some international tax evading criminal.  Now I get anxiety alot. Lying in bed this rush of fear comes over me at the thought of the future especially mornings when i first wake. So its like as a result of  cleaning up my life it has given me an anxiety illness along with my existing depression.  Nobody is more sorry for not doing my taxes more than I  cause it cost me my health.

In black and white it doesnt make sense thats the power of my brain turning on me.  I often wonder why am I so cruel to myself having irrational thoughts that can impact life with such devestation

I dont know the tax man who does but Im sure they dont want me to suffer like that for not lodging a form due to depression and homelessness

[Ben]

I'm not sure your initial fear was irrational. No one wants to be on the wrong side of the law and just because your tax agent reassured you, it didn't necessarily mean they were right, even if it turned out they were in the end. Historically, the tax office has done some bad things, like the RoboDebt scandal where they went after people who didn't even owe any tax without any degree of sympathy or care, resulting in significant adverse mental health outcomes for the victims. It's unfortunate your initial fear has resulted in an ongoing issue, even after the initial threat has passed.

Your mention of fearing the future, especially in the mornings when you first wake makes me think that it could be effective if you could develop a habit of practicing mindfulness immediately after you wake. Successful mindfulness would bring you into the present, away from the fear and the "morning after you wake" gives you a consistent time of day to develop a habit of practicing it. Although your anxiety is probably too strong to be able to practice at that time initially so you'd need to gradually work up to it. Maybe your health professionals would be able to help you develop this technique or refer you to someone who could help?

In any case, I hope you manage to find an effective strategy(ies) amongst those posed by the community and health professionals.

[Scared]

Yes thats exactly what I thought.

The tax agent had no fears because it wasnt his returns that were not up to date.  Im in the hot seat not him.

But to the agents credit he was good to me.  Thank you for your input 

[Scared]

I am surprised at learning how Anxiety and depression manifest so differently in each person.  Im only relatively new to Anxiety and was prescribed a drug today to bring my base line down of fight or flight response.

But with depression for me every new episode manifests differently each time.

Last year I was almost cripple and couldnt imagine myself walking 50 feet.

I was hospitalised and it was depression as I wasnt sure what was wrong with me

But Anxiety is a whole other level and I sometimes prey please spare me from that happening again.  

[Ben]

Agreed. Reading about other people's experiences, I can only relate to some degree because it's so different.  Even with cleanliness OCD, my main issue, it manifests differently and to different degrees in different people. Maybe the problem is the labels "anxiety" and "depression". As simple labels they sound like exactly one thing, whereas the actual thing is maybe better thought of as an amorphous cloud of related symptoms and experiences and the thing that binds us together is more about our shared struggles against our minds than the specific symptoms.

It is good that you are seeking professional help, though. Hopefully your journey will improve.