Scared to leave house after incident

[Liongirl]

First and foremost, I have anxiety. Most of the time I can cope, but recently something happened that has made my anxiety worse than usual. A couple of days ago, I was in the city, waiting for a bus when a man pushed me, twice. The second time was just as the bus arrived. I looked at him and started to ask what he was doing, when he informed me that he had a disability and was entitled to get on the bus first. I told him that he still needed to say excuse me and please and he wasn’t to push people. He then started yelling at me and saying words to the effect of how he didn’t have to and kept stressing at me that he had a disability. At that point, I saw red and told him he was a wanker.

Everyone on the bus and at the stop started glaring at me, at which point, I apologised to the driver for making a scene, and left.

Since then, my anxiety has flared up. I feel sick and scared that I’ve done something wrong and that everyone thinks I’m a bad person and that I deserved to be pushed like that. I don’t want to leave my house in case something like this happens again and my imagination keeps creating scenes where someone filmed the incident and posted it online and people are saying this just proves what a horrible, selfish person I am.

I don’t even know where all this fear is coming from—the logical part of my mind knows I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but my mind keeps coming back to it. I just want to forget and move on.

[BipolarAF]

I don’t think you did anything wrong by asserting your boundaries and asking for politeness, in many ways anxiety is a disability too and that whole interaction was two people with disabilities trying to go about their days but one is considered more ‘obvious’ than the other in the public eye. It makes sense that you ‘saw red’ as you say and got irritated, I don’t think you should feel like you did anything wrong. And I don’t think anyone there would be thinking that either. They all most likely forgot about the situation as you’re not in the wrong or at fault. Working on your sudden responses in the future might be something you can consider working on over time but no one is perfect - in many ways you were provoked and already feeling anxious so I think you handled the situation well. Walking away was best for you at that point so good on you for taking the space you needed to feel comfortable. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now and can start to leave the house again and feel comfortable on public transport. My only advice is try taking it small steps at a time and don’t be hard on yourself, congratulate yourself for asserting yourself and don’t feel bad.

[Summer Rose]

Hello Liongirl

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I want to reassure you that you did nothing wrong. Disability or not, the man had no right to push you.

Your expectation for some common courtesy is reasonable. It is understandable that you responded in the way you did.

I encourage you to look at the bigger picture. No matter where you live in Australua, everyone is impacted by the pandemic and dealing with additional fear, anxiety and stress.

My theory is that we are all walking around and operating with "full buckets" and any irritation, problem or issue can quickly become "the last drop". In these circumstances, I think incidents like the one you have described are to be expected.

I know you're upset and your anxiety is playing up and your mind is dealing with irrational fears. Please remind yourself that these are extraordinary times, you are doing your best and cut yourself some slack. It's okay, my friend.

Kind thoughts to you