Running away from depression and relationships

[glassninja]

On the outside I seem pretty put together - 27, ambitious, moving overseas for a great job in marketing soon, confident, calm, fun to be around. Underneath it's not that peachy. I've had mild depression since I was a teenager, but was finally diagnosed with that and GAD when I was 23. It stemmed from an emotionally abusive relationship I'd had and then gotten out of at 21. But since diagnosis, the anxiety's grown to encompass basically any interpersonal relationship I have, whether that's work or relationships - I constantly feel like I need to prove myself and apologize. I have a reputation for being guarded and emotionally closed off as a result. I'm in regular therapy, but it's really hard to break that habit even with my therapist. Even all my friends tell me how guarded I am.

The worst thing is, I'm SO good when I'm single. I'm so aware of the pitfalls of being that abuse survivor who falls into the same patterns again that I've gone completely the other way where I've just eschewed any emotion ever that would make me feel vulnerable. Then I let my guard down and get into a relationship and fall in love and when we break up it's like it takes everything in me to put myself back together again. It's made me such an avoidant person. Better to avoid relationships altogether than go through the utter emotional turbulence of being in or getting over one, right?

Today the thing that's set me off is SUPER small - a guy I met spent weeks chasing me and telling me how much he liked me and loved spending time with me, and we ended up dating for a few weeks but he got too busy so I broke up with him. Today he went and deleted me off all his social media. Anyone else, I wouldn't care. But it really set me off today. Like, am I just not worth anyone's time? Is that what it is? When am I going to be worth someone's time? Is moving overseas going to solve my problems or am I going to still have them on TOP of just being alone?

I feel like there's this thing inside me I can't get away from. I've noticed that every time I've broken up with someone or gone through something difficult, I've just picked up and moved overseas. I think I keep trying to run away from it but it follows me everywhere. I try to go camping and hiking, I keep wanting to just get away. I just want to be happy and normal and I can't figure out how to get there.

[Croix]

Dear Glassninja~

Welcome here, I have the feeling that you are already aware of the problems, but are maybe a bit stuck to do anything about them. Reading though the first thing that strikes me is that you are reluctant to talk frankly with your therapist, let alone anyone else. Without the correct information I'd imagine any treatment is going to be off-target.

Maybe it is at least partly a face-to-face thing, you were able to give some idea here as to problems. Which is a pretty courageous and even wise thing in the circumstances. I've written out things and given them to a doctor or psych when I've felt I was not up to explanations. Plenty of time beforehand to get things down as I wanted, and easy in the consultation (plus its then too late for me to chicken out:)

While it might have been hurtful to be deleted off social media, if I understand you correctly you had broken off from him and if he had started to develop affection for you then I'm not surprised, I'd tend to do the same.

Perhaps in the same way you distance yourself from your councilor you are doing the same in relationships - not talking things though - what do you think?

I've had arguments and times I was worried about relationships, but I've found it is a two-person process, and it's always worked out, the other person has wanted it to work too. Moving away is a solution - true, and it stops one for having everyday reminders of an unpleasant ending, however it sounds like you are a person that needs to be with another, otherwise you would be happy solo and not entertain others' advances.

What would you really like?

Croix

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[glassninja]

You are very correct - unfortunately I don't think I realized myself how much I was holding back until recently. I really was trying to be open with her, but I've recently recognized a deep-seated tendency to hide how hurt and vulnerable and insecure I really am. I hope that future sessions are more productive but as my mental health plan has run out I just don't really have the money to continue sustaining regular, ongoing treatment.

I'd actually broken things off after about a month of irregular contact from him. I'd asked twice if he was still interested and wanted to keep seeing me (which made me feel needy and insecure, I have to admit, but I realized that communication was important and I needed to be open with him), and he would say yes but then wouldn't communicate with me for days. I was feeling really unsure and anxious about it because I felt like maybe I liked him more than he liked me, and eventually I just couldn't continue with it because he never asked me if I wanted to see him or even just make conversation. My last relationship (which ended in March) lasted two years and was amazing from beginning to end, so I think I was a bit frustrated going back into a relationship where I was trying really hard to overcome my own communication issues but wasn't getting anything back from him.

I usually am quite happy solo, I don't really go out looking for relationships. But I do feel happier and more full when I am with somebody, and it's something I strongly dislike about myself and hate admitting. I hate the feeling of being emotionally invested someone, most likely because my ex (the abusive one) would accuse me of being codependent or needy or crazy, so I really struggle in relationships because I've been so conditioned to think that any sort of emotional investment is me being a psycho girlfriend. I tend to think of them in terms of power balances which isn't healthy.

I think I'd just like to get to a point where I'm comfortable with relationships - everything from romantic to work to platonic. I'm scared of being hurt or being wrong and it means I don't invest in relationships and cut off anyone who looks like they might be in a position to hurt me. I blame myself for things that go wrong and basically work myself to the bone over trying to be perfect at work so that I can't be criticised. My therapist says I don't expect everyone else around me to be perfect all the time but expect it in myself, and I need to be kinder to myself.

[Croix]

Dear Glassninja~

If you do not mind me saying so that is a very perceptive reply and I suspect you are already on the way to changing some things - I hope so anyway.

Perfectionism is not all good - tell me about it. It sets standards for oneself that firstly takes up more time than one can afford and stops one from the 'practice effect' when receiving even mild criticism, something we all get in life n matter waht we do.

It also means we unconsciously apply those same standards to others -who are only human. When they fall short it can seem a much more major transgression than it might ordinarily warrant.

For me getting perceptive has been hard, I still try to do best, but can now afford to slack off a little, the trick being knowing when. It also means I'm easier to get on with as I am not so judgmental.

Sorry to talk about me so much, however I thought it might be helpful.

To cut of a relationship that might hurt is to definitely hurt yourself.

Some people are hermits and can live alone, I can't. If that makes me 'needy', then OK, fine. Affection and loving is need, but it is also answering someone else's need too. Without need no love.

Power balances are healthy -sorry to disagree. Obviously there is give and take and circumstances to make things lean one way or another. No successful relationship rests on the shoulders of just one partner. With the right person you can have faith they will ensure things work out in the long term. I've been blessed twice that way.

If your ex bf did not sense you were worried about the relationship and did not take extra effective measures to comfort you then he may not have been the right person for you.

Another MH plan will come along, and maybe this time you might adopt a different approach. There is nothing you have said that really warrants reticence.

Croix