Relationship Anxiety

[Bluesman0103]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on a forum or anything so hopefully I'm doing it right 🙂

I have a fair amount of anxiety when it comes to meeting women (I'm male) and then beginning a sexual/romantic relationship. Meeting women and being in a relationship with them just terrifies me and prevents me from being able to pursue a relationship, which makes life hard when you're 22 and a lot of you're friends are in healthy relationships. My best mate just started dating this girl who is really lovely and a type of girl I would like to date, but I know that if I was in his shoes there is no way I would even gotten to know her let alone ask her out. I always feel terrible when I hang around my friends and their partners, or when I go out to a club or a bar and seeing people meet and hook up.

I think my problem my come from growing up. My parents (who are great, I love them dearly) were never supportive of me meeting girls when I was in school, believing instead I should focus on my work. And my Dad, while a great guy, is not exactly a leader in how to be confident.

I'm not exactly sure what specific part of forming a romantic relationship I fear. I think it my be an issue with getting close to someone and then not being enough or messing up a relationship with an amazing girl. Being a virgin doesn't seem to help.

Well hopefully I've managed to make this at least semi-coherent. I think it was a bit of help just getting my thoughts down on paper. I would love to here some of your thoughts and experiences with my problems.

Thanks.

[smallwolf]

Hi Bluesman0103,

welcome to beyond blue and I can tell you that you did a good job in your post - I understood it perfectly.

If I could just summarise your post, you sound like a man in his early 20s, a virgin who upbringing felt as though you had to concentrate on work, and that meant socialising was a poor second so that and now that brings anxiety.

Let me start by saying that summary almost matches my upbringing. I was also shy and over-sensitive and listened to other people too much. Anyway I was invited to a party - well it was like my brother was invited and i could come to. So I did and I cannot remember how much I chatted with this girl (but I do not think it was much) but a day or three later called her and invited her out to dinner. She became my wife and still is. I was 2-3 older than you at this point. And I was very nervous about asking her out. And if I did not ask her out I would kick myself.

You mentioned getting close to someone and not being enough, or messing up a relationship. In what way? Are these your thought about yourself that you don't ask them out?

Some people don't or can't (?) "hook up" in a club - at least I could not.

Lastly, do you feel that you could speak with one of your friends or their partners about this?

There are others on the forums here with similar experiences to yours, and mine was similar to yours.There is also a thread here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/singles-support-on-bb

I would be very interested in hearing more of your story.

Tim

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hiya, welcome to the forums! While I'm not your age or gender, I can relate in some ways. The thought of meeting someone and being in a relationship brings up feelings of anxiety and not being enough. To get to know someone you have to be vulnerable and accept that you might get things wrong, maybe they won't like you, but that's how life works. That doesn't make it any easier, I know. There's a really popular talk on youtube by Brene Brown about vulnerability - you might like to google it. On another note, my son is your age, and he lost his virginity later. If you meet someone nice you have a connection with, that won't be an issue 🙂