"stop this ride I want to get off"

[Guest_3712]

Hi guys,

I think this is the first time I have posted on this forum as I usually post on the depression forum. I wish I could say it's because my depression is better, ( wrong) but at the moment , actually for a while now I find I am incredibly anxious and somewhat out of control.

My behaviours have become obsessive. As I alluded to in one of my earlier posts I had started drinking to excess, while still taking anti anxiety meds. My psych had me keep a diary of how much I was drinking, and if I could pin point triggers.

Well I've stopped that because I wasn't improving, and worse still I am now obsessive with other things. The first one being posting on BB!

After a fairly long silence , where I read the posts but didn't reply, I feel the need to reach out as much as I can to you my friends. I am losing a grip on my own behaviours so I  need to feel valued and useful. Please don't doubt my sincerity , but I know it sounds selfish - wow I am truly losing it.

I feel overwhelmed by all the new people on the sites and distressed that I can't reply to every one, but as I already feel quiet manic I wouldn't be really helping. Guys I need some input here. Can someone tell me what I need to do.

I feel angry, and confrontational blaming everyone and everything ( see post on suicidal forum)

I am also engaging in some mild but disturbing self harm- habitual and non life threatening but obviously anxiety derived.

You have no idea how quick I am typing this. I have jammed so much already into my day, walk dog, shopping, pay bills, housework and I go to work in an hour- Crazy I know. I want to yell, "Stop this ride I want to get off"

Ok must get ready - I am exhausted and really hope I don't get any difficult customers- for their sake!

Thanks

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi Neil,

I'm afraid my rather abstract reference to my job has made it sound much more important that it is. Back in the day, I was a retail store manager, ladies fashion.

I have been a merchandiser, staff trainer, area manager  and customer liaison supervisor. Currently I am a stylist and service manager. I still regard my job as important as there are a lot of ladies out there that need help to feel good.

The advice part of it, no I don't give advice I listen and I empathise.

I have thought a lot about why I feel so different at work. I think it is relief that I can once again hide behind this persona. When I am in that world, there is nothing else. The other me, the real me doesn't exist until I leave work and go home.

My father always told me I would never amount to anything- charming I know! So I spent all my life proving him wrong. I didn't just have to succeed I had to excel! I was a machine . I couldn't stop even after he was killed.

When I lost my job, due to my work injury I lost everything I had built to protect myself. I never thought I would work again, and now here  I am. Suddenly I am in a position to recreate that life I had where I was confident, strong, good at my job and don't have to face the ugly realities of my present  condition.

Oh wow! sorry , Thought I was in the psych's office there for a minute ( he knows all this by the way, I just never believed him )

Don't know where I am going with this, really confused. Would love to be substance free,  pain free, anxiety free and no depression - too much??

Oh also I'd love to be size 10, rich and living on a tropical island -

Cheers to you with my last bottle of red

Be kind to yourself Neil

Stressless

[geoff]

dear Stressless, I can see 2 of you existing at the moment, and please no need to be scared by me saying this, and Moo-Moo is giving you a loving look and she's not frightened so I'll try and explain.

You go to work with 1 persona and then you go home a completely different person, so that's different than staying depressed all day, which means that you are just 1 person, so looking from the outside that's a step forward, it may not seem so for you, but for me it is.

When you are at work you are a stylist and service manager, yes a service manager, and you help those below you to FEEL GOOD, because these people rely on you being the experienced one.

Now is this similar to me helping the elderly chap I met in the supermarket, and at that time I had not fully overcome my depression, but was getting there.

It's only natural that 'your confidence and shields' have gone, that's what depression does to all of us, and they don't come back straight away, but gradually, and it may happen for 2 days, and then fall back for a day or so, but at least it's happening.

Once my mood changed I didn't need alcohol to numb my depression, because I wasn't depressed, so my good mood carried me through until afternoon time when I had a couple of drinks, nothing like before, but these were I suppose pleasure drinks which I have never had for such a long time.

So my world started to change, and slowly this will happen to you, but you will probably never notice, as this seems to be the case. L Geoff. x

[Guest_3712]

Hey Geoff.

give Moo- Moo I big kiss for me,  I appreciated her loving look.

 Two of me huh! well I've often thought that, when my personality has been so extreme.

I would love to believe your reasoning. I haven't looked at it like that I still see myself as majorly flawed and I am such a good actress I can hide behind this fake persona I use to get through work.

I mean, yes I don't feel depressed at work but I also don't feel right ??

I feel amped up, fake, false energy I don't know it is hard to explain.

What I do know is the pace I set at work is frantic and I cannot keep it up for long, which I didn't think would be a problem , but it seems I am doing such a good job they are wanting to give me more shifts- great I hear you say.

Well it is and it isn't. My chronic back pain is really bad of late and with increased workload it is getting worse. I cannot complain or knock back work as I never told them about my injury or past compo claim.

OMG where does this s......t end Geoff? I know you are living proof of how these things can change but I am really full of self doubt about my story having as happy an ending.

Hope you are well at the moment

Be kind to yourself

Stressless