Questioning my anxiety

[Alf1234]

Hi this is my first time posting on a forum about anxiety. I've spent a lot of time reading other stories and relating to them but I guess I can't accept that I have anxiety. Or maybe more so I can't accept how bad my anxiety actually is. 

I think that I deny it because once I accept it I have to do something about it  and that just creates more feelings of anxiety.

I am posting today because I've had a very bad day that I realise I need to at least do this. 

So my anxiety I guess is social anxiety. I also feel I have some paranoia issues and of course leading to depression. My first memory of anxiety was in year 6. I had to do a speech for the school captain and I actually felt that sick I forced my mum to let me stay home to avoid it. From there I avoided high school public speaking by not going to school and ended up leaving in year 9 only because of my fear of public speaking. When I turned 18 I started using drugs to deal with my anxiety before going out and that became a weekly occurrence to the point I couldn't go out without drugs. I met my now wife when I was 19 and she slapped me silly and got me completely off drugs by the time I was 20. From there I slowly stopped hanging out with my friends and slowly stopped going out with her. Now I am 28 and still with her and have a son who is one and both of them are the greatest. Unfortunately I know how lucky I am but I struggle to feel any positive emotions .

This weekend I have an event coming up with her family and I am just imploding. I haven't felt awake for a couple of days and today I just hit the bottom. She was trying to be positive about something And I got angry about it and from there I spent the day in my bedroom thinking about the type of person I am when I am feeling anxious. And none of those thoughts were good. 

I don't know what I can do about it. I can't face people I don't know so the thought of going to see someone about this just makes me shut down and refuse to deal with it. 

I feel like I am just a waste of good life. I am achieving nothing. Doing nothing. And not being who I feel I'm ment to be. My life is just suppressed and I don't get to feel strong positive feelings only strong negative feelings. 

Any ideas on where I can/should start will be appreciated.

thanks

[Wandmaker]

I don't know if it will help, but the first time I started to talk to someone about anxiety, I chose someone who did phone appointments, it made it a little easier to chat to them over the phone from my own house so the whole process of having to work up the courage to go see them wasn't there. 

[Wandmaker]

I should add this was several years ago and I was very anxious about wasting my time mostly around work and not doing the things I wanted, because I let everyone else control what I was doing. I talked to a Life coach, and she really  helped me sort things out.

[Bluey_moon]

Hi Alf1234, 

Have you ever seen a psycologist or the like before? 

It is very hard to admit anxiety is a problem, I can relate to you there. I wanted to be the best wife / mother / friend / sister ect and I felt like admitting I was struggling ment I had failed. 

But there come a time when I couldn't deny it. And you know what, it was the best thing I did. 

It sounds like your wife is very supportive! 

Do you feel comfortable going to your Gp, firstly? 

This is where I started. Then I got referred to a psycologist ( and went on a mental health plan, so my visits were subsidized by Medicare). 

I also saw a psyciatrist who was able to diagnose me with GAD and obsessive thinking. For me I've start back on an SSRI (antidepressant), and slowly I am getting there . 

Maybe you could take your wife along, if you felt more comfortable. 

For me eating better, working, and I'm going to start exercising! Have you tried a hobby where you could mix with small groups of people for a start? 

Keep us posted. 

Skye