Putting My Needs First

[spiralshapesun]

does anyone else struggle to put their needs first? I’m always worried about how the other person will feel if i say no and worried of some terrible consequences. Even for something really simple.

 eg i’ve been under a lot of stress with work and I had to take Wed off for my mental health due to not sleeping and panic attacks. I’m literally so burned out. I was supposed to focus on my own needs for the day and take it slow but i was worried about how my partner was working and probably didn’t want to clean or cook after work so instead of just relaxing and doing what i needed to do for myself, i spent most of the day just making myself more exhausted by cleaning everything. I never actually did the mindfulness and journaling i planned to do… this was all to avoid even any slight criticism from him or slight change in mood. 

When someone seems even slightly disappointed in something i have done, then i get a heavy scared and guilty feeling in my chest and start to feel like i’m the worst person ever and I always just assume I’m in the wrong even when i know the other person was being unreasonable about something…

So yeah, I guess I’m just wondering if i’m the only one?

[Eagle Ray]

Hi spiralshapesun,

 I love your user name by the way.

You are not alone in these feelings. I am very similar and have been my whole life. I live on my own now and I’m still hard on myself in the way you describe, thinking I must do this or that, like an invisible pressure is always on me to do the right thing by other people’s measures or perceived expectations, even when it is not logical. I tend not to take care of my own needs first a lot of the time.

For me it was a pattern deeply learned in childhood. I am increasingly learning to develop a kinder internal parenting system within myself where I am actually self-nurturing towards myself and prioritise my own needs, which I’m gradually learning is not selfish at all but healthy and necessary.

 I don’t know for you if there were patterns you learned or were taught in childhood about how to be in the world? Sometimes a parent has the same pattern and we absorb and internalise that pattern. Other times we are taught explicitly to take care of the needs of others first. For me it was a combination of these things. We can end up feeling guilty when we are really not guilty.

 I am wondering how you would go just trying something different. So if you find yourself at home from work again, just allowing yourself to meet your needs. You can even say to your partner this is what I needed to do for myself today. There can be other times to catch up on things like cleaning. But on that day where you need a break, just see if you can let go and focus only on what you need in that moment.

A psychologist once said a helpful thing to me which was, “What do you need in this moment right now?” I think when you can sense and feel into that you can begin to meet your own needs. It might be going for a walk, having a cup of tea, journaling, resting etc. The body often knows the answer, like it feels what is needed.

 I think it comes down to just keep practising prioritising your needs. I think you become more available to others too, rather than less available, when you do this, because by nurturing yourself first you actually have more energy and more of a feeling of personal agency. You are actually more present with yourself and others.

 I know that’s more easily said than done and I’m still very much on a learning curve with it myself. But I do find, at least some of the time, I have an inner parent/voice looking after me that is there if I really listen, and will give me encouragement about what I need to do for myself. I hope maybe that helps a little.

[white knight]

Hi SSS, welcome

Eagle Ray is so spot on.

I'm a worrier, even nicknamed that in school. I'm 67yo now and worry has lessened over the years with persistent life planning. I'm 67yo now and when 12yo how could I have ended up such a worry wart? Well it wasn't inherited,  it was learned from my mother. Also I had an ill older brother so my mother worried about him etc.

So  worry is productive in yhat it can produce ulcers, nothing positive.

Planning your day, writing things down eg 20 minutes relaxation, no evening news, removing non realistic thoughts from you mind with distraction etc, are all good methods to retrain your mind to allow a better  fairer routine into your lifestyle. ATM you are allowing your mind to run rampant.

Please google-

Beyondble worry worry worry

I look forward to see how you go.

If not attended to, worry ends up becoming stress and stress will limit you during aging. Learning to properly relax and dedicating time for same is long run beneficial. 

TonyWK 

[sallySurvivor]

I am wondering if you see/have seen a psychologist?

Unfortunately most of us have learnt unhealthy thought processes that will continue to cause damage until we learn to retrain our brains and improve our health. 
A good psychologist will help you identify the negative thoughts and give you strategies and support to put your health first.

I had a similar mindset to you and pushed myself too hard, at work, with family, always putting others first. I eventually had a breakdown and it is 100 times harder to fix these issues once you break.

You need to take care of yourself before you can help others.