Pretty sure I have screwed up.

[TheWookie]

Just got back from my psychologist appointment. I have been antsy all week about it, and pretty wound up the last few days, because we were all set to induce the panic attacks using hyperventilation. Breathing is a trigger of mine. And once in a panic we were using EMDR therapy to work towards ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). So yeah I am kind of really drained and weirded out at the moment.

Anyhow... I have my friend, the only person I have actual contact with, who is also my carer. We were introduced through a st vinnies program called Compère about 8 years ago. He is pretty much my only friend and support person. I have been seeing this psychologist for about 18 months now, and have had my friend in the session with me. As I have pretty chronic anxiety and agoraphobia he drives me to the sessions. I also have lived in his backyard in a converted pool house flat for 4 years just about. He is about the only person, family included, who has been there and been help to me over the time we have known each other. He has personal knowledge of depression and has had a panic on a plane previously so knows the depth of that fright. And I included him in the sessions as it is him who would take me to shops or appointments etc, out in public. So he could talk to my psych about support methods and such. He also has chronic pain and other health issues, and has not been in a good place himself for a long time now. I understand that, and have tried to not trouble him as ,ich with my own garbage.

So. The point of this post. I have gotten a lot better at coping with the thoughts and sensations I get which would once have triggered a full panic. I know a lot of what comes out of me, thoughts and comments, are negative. I have a bad habit of setting myself up to fail. Like if we went for a walk around the block I would usually have an anxiety attack most of the way and I would try and prepare for that, but that came across as setting myself up for failure. I feel like I have failed if I am not able to do something without an attack. And the majority of what I say, I can’t breathe, I am going to die, am I breathing okay, my pulse is wrong etc etc is all repetitive. Regardless of whether I had done the same walk the day before, I will still come out with the same questions and comments etc.

I know for a fact that is frustrating. And must be highly frustrating to hear the same thing again and again. Today, while in a panic, i barked back at him. I screwed up.

[TheWookie]

I fully understand where he coming from. I know at wen I am worked up I still question any reassurances I get regarding my questioning. I say what is on my mind, as I don’t feel like I am breathing properly and when told I am I still say things like “but it doesn’t feel right” and stuff. I say the, and I question them both in my head and verbally. So a while back my psychologist said I needed to be pushed a bit, so that is what we did. And using the old trusted and true lines like “harden up” and “just do it anyhow” worked for a while. I use that same dialogue in my inner monologue a lot already. Nobody really gives me as much of a hard time or as much shit as I give myself.

Today it got on top of me. I was seeking reassurance, with something that I have done before. It was my finger tips actually, they looked purple to me, not red like healthy circulation denotes. And my buddy brought out the tough love lime of reply. Which made me feel threatened. I reacted. I barked back in the same volume and tone, using the same language. Saying I needed reassurance not made to feel like I had angered him. I reacted with anger, as my anxiety was peaking and my adrenaline flowing. I had no right to do that. He has the right to say what he wants to, he has the right to voice his opinion and give the support he can. I should not have arced up In return. I have done similar previously and said that the tough love method is not working for me and makes me feel attacked. But that is on me and my reactions.

He left the session. I don’t cope well with these things, I know. In my previous life interacting that way was the precursor to a fight. After the session I went to the car, thankfully he was still there, and asked if he was okay and said I am sorry. He said he doesn’t care.

So yeah. I screwed up. Pretty sure I am in the shit now. Even looked at rentals online when I got home. I am just not meant to have friends. I am meant to be alone. I don’t think right. I don’t do right. I do try my best when I can. But I am over losing friends.

[Croix]

Dear TheWookie~

I've not read your previos posts so do not know all your circumstances however I have the feeling that your anxiety is making this seem worse than it is.

If you look at how limited a life your mental health condition makes you live it is no wonder you feel hemmed in, frustrated and at times angry. This in turn can make you say something you regret later, but I'm sure by now your carer/freind will be used to seeing what you go though and understand.

You have apologized, which is the civilized and reasonable thing to do, so try to leave it at that. I'm not suggesting you can stop worrying about the incident straight away, but you may be able to talk of other things and act as if it is over.

People who live together sometimes do lash out, it's simply being human and really to be expected. It does pass.

While I can understand why you might want your carer/friend in your psych sessions to gain information on helping you do you think it is a good idea for him to be there all the time?

After all you are a separate person and it may give you a feeling of more confidence in yourself if at least part of each session was just you and the psych. It might also give you the opportunity to talk about your carer/friend in private.

What do you think?

Croix

[TheBigBlue]

Hi TheWookie,

While my experiences aren’t the same as yours, I wanted to share something that has helped me.

Setting smaller goals, or more achievable goals.

So instead of thinking today I will walk around the block, just try walking to the end of the driveway. If that doesn’t create any sense of panic, then next time perhaps walk along the street to the first corner & then turn & go back. Repeat this distance each time you walk until you are ready to go a little bit further.

Or maybe the goal can be to walk as far as you can before anxiety kicks in. When you do feel anxious, you can turn back. But the next time, try & walk just a few steps further.

another trick I try is looking for specific things around me. My driveway has doggy paw prints in it (from before I moved here) but I have since noticed a neighbour’s driveway also has paw prints on it. This not only made me laugh, but I spend most walks looking for more evidence of paw prints in concrete.

when I was a kid, i used to name the houses I walked past on the way to school. Then every morning I would need to recall the name of the house as I walked past. I can still remember a few of them. The house on the corner was “Mitzy’s Place” as a little poodle called Mitzy lived there. There was the “3 bears house” cause that house looked like a log cabin that I imagined the 3 bears lived in. But my favourite was “11 toes”, because it was house number 11 but they had this carved picture on their wooden letterbox of a guy sleeping under a sombrero hat. You could only see 5 toes in the picture, but my mind came up with “11 toes” & that name has stuck 😂

you can also try grounding as way to distract yourself from your thoughts. Eg name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.

it may or may not work, but I found doing such things helpful when I was anxious

[TheWookie]

Hey thanks Croix and BigBlue.

Yeah nah, I am pretty sure he is butt cranky at me for it. And I know him well enough to know he boils things away inside. I really don’t think anything I say this time is going to change anything. He has seen me go through a lot yeah, and it’s not the first time I have tried to let him know that using that tone of voice and aggressive mannerism ones the opposite of what I am asking for. So it’s all good I guess. I will see what happens.

Blue yeah I have tried using those coping/grounding skills time and time and time again. Very rarely do they have an impact on my level of disturbance. All of my coping skills failed me a while back. I believe it is because I was trying to push through. I think it fed my anxiety further rather than relaxed it. I have tried to do the distance thing as well. I am still trying it too, but trying to do the walk exposures on my own. I do like the 11 toes you talked about though lol.

anyhow, thanks for the comments folks, I appreciate your time.

[Croix]

Dear TheWookie~

I guess you know your carer/friend pretty well by now and maybe he is churning it over in his mind, if so it basically is a problem he has, not being able to see another person's problems and make allowances. An emotional thing, not amenable to logic. If saying sorry once is not enough then I doubt sayng it umpteen times will be any more effective.

You can't really fight emotion with logic, so I'd suggest not trying. Instead try an alternative, try to get him to laugh, or at least enjoy himself. The resentful thoughts may drain away as a result.

Do you think that this might be worth trying?

Croix

[TheWookie]

Aye well... I had another session Friday afternoon. My carer drove me there again. Most uncomfortable car ride ever. I had super high anxiety the whole trip. And yeah, he stayed in the car during the session. The two times I sought reassurance by saying I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly, he replied with ‘awesome’. Yeah I screwed that friendship.

[Croix]

Dear TheWookie~

It can very hard to determine the status of carers. They form a large and very personal part of one's life and after a time it is often very natural to think of them as freinds.

They are of course people in their own right and have their own faults and preoccupations. sometime one finds they are less than one thought.

I guess at the moment I'd simply try for a civilized relationship, being sympathetic to his problems, and leaving it at that, see what develops.

Do you mind if I ask if you have other people who you know but are not close to? It may be you could try to see if any could become friends by having more contact. Depending just on one person, as you can see, can be difficult.

Croix