Post Social Event Anxiety

[Guest_78401401]

Over the last few years I have found myself increasingly anxious after social events. I usually feel anxious leading up to the event and often find reasons to avoid it. When Im in the situation I relax and enjoy it. Then after for days I play the conversations over and over, feel exposed, vulnerable and embarrassed and very anxious. Its consuming. Is this something others experience? How do you cope? I used to be so social and carefree, but even old memoroes that used to be joyful cause me distress. 

[therising]

A very warm welcome to you 🙂

I think we can definitely be multifaceted in nature, which can help explain a lot at times. While I'm a gal who experiences social anxiety to some degree, something I used to drink my way out of when I was younger, it's not so easy without the drink these days. Alcohol used to silence the stresser in me, that part that can sound a little like 'You know you're a shocker when it comes to small talk, this event is going to be a struggle because everyone's going to be asking you stuff like 'How are you?', 'What do you do for a living?', 'What have you been up to lately?' and you've got nothing really all that exciting to say' and on it would go. While it could be a bit of a struggle regarding certain events, like yourself I'd find things would typically be okay and I was worried about a lot of things that never eventuated. But afterwards, oh my gosh, cue my inner critic.

My inner critic would chat away up there in my head. The inner dialogue could get pretty depressing at times and it could go on for days. There'd be chatter like 'I can't believe you said sh** like that. People must think you're an idiot. They're probably talking behind you back. They probably all think you're weird or awkard. You should have just kept your mouth shut' and on and on it would go.

One day I made the decision 'Yep, I can be a little out there at times but it works for me. If it doesn't work for anyone else, so be it. Not going to make that my problem'. I also started to exercise trying to get a better feel for who I was talking to. With straight laced kind of people, I've come to talk about 'sensible' stuff. With more soulful people who are into woo woo stuff, I absolutely love talking about woo woo stuff. With deeply feeling people and/or people full of wonder, I'm more inclined to hold emotional conversations and/or philosophical conversations and on it goes. If I cross over, like talk to straight laced people about woo woo stuff, it'll definitely trigger my inner critic afterwards. 'You know those people probably think you're insane' 😅.

I've found a lot of it comes down to self acceptance. I accept I'm a little out there. I accept I don't manage small talk all that well. I accept I have an inner critic in me that can be seriously harsh, brutal and even depressing at times. I accept my inner stresser's going to be triggered to life on occasions. I accept myself as multifaceted and I accept, amongst other things, not everyone's going to 'approve' of me but as long as I not only approve of myself but also love myself (who I am and who I'm becoming) all's good. It can be hard work, being our natural self.

Definitely sounds a bit out there but there are times I'll actually talk to my imagined inner critic, in order to manage it. Kinda like 'Oh my god, it's you again. You are seriously depressing and full of so much cr**. Shut the hell up!' because, I tell you what, it definitely does feel like hell at times.

[sbella02]

Hey, 

I'm sorry to hear that reflecting on social events has been making you feel more anxious recently, and that thinking about joyful memories from your past is also causing you distress. I've been in your position, and I'd like to build on what Therising has said with my own experiences and advice. Self-acceptance and positive self-talk are extremely important, and I'd like to add some ways that you can work towards achieving these. 

It is quite normal to reflect negatively on what you've said or done in social events, but if it's causing us distress, it requires a little more work to get ourselves out of that habit. If there's anything that I've learnt, it's that this kind of self-talk is something that we have to train ourselves out of. Journalling tends to help with this - writing down what you're feeling and what led you to feel this way, and even adding in a consideration of what evidence may exist that can help reassure you that what you said or did wasn't as embarrassing as you may think. 

One thing I'd always think to myself was how I would perceive others in the same interactions, or similar interactions. If I'm viewing my own actions as embarrassing or vulnerable, how would I perceive these same actions if one of my friends or family did the same and they asked for my opinion? It's often so easy to criticise ourselves because we set far higher social expectations for ourselves than others. Reminding ourselves that we are human and treating ourselves as if we were a close friend or family member gives us the freedom to make mistakes or say things that we may later consider to be embarrassing.

I must also note that it's good that you're feeling relaxed when you're in the situation, and you may even be able to use this feeling to your advantage after the event - if you think back to the moment that you were having fun and enjoying yourself in the event itself, remind yourself that you were feeling like this, and use this as a means of reassurance. 

I hope this helps, and if you need more recommendations or more of a chat, we're here to support you.

Take care, SB