panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

i am so happy i made you smile.

i don't like taking medication either, but i take it because it does help control the depression and anxiety. if medication is heping you, you should think about taking it.itlooks like you an me are the same, we are both running form something, my hope for you is that you manage to get something out of your stay in hospital.

it is interesting you should say that, i have the same problem in my town, people are actually frightened of me, just because i don't talk to them, most people in my town know each other by name, but no

body knows who i am here and that makes them uncomfortable, i have actually had people ask me if i am in town on hollidays, because no one sees me out and about. i had a nurse one day ask me if i have moved to town recently and i told her i lived in the town for 20 years, she was so shocked, she said but i don't see you at any town events, and i had to tell her i suffer from agoraphobia.

Your home sounds wonderful, at least you got some tranquility aout of your former home, out of all the pain you must have

suffered from your partner.  i went walkign this morning and when i got home some birds were playing in the yard and they flew inbetween some trees straight into me, lucky for them i have a soft belly, i was as startled and they were when they ran into me.

The rooster sounds like he has lost his voice, it sounds so funny when he crows, it sounds like he is muffled, the poor thing. they have so many bread rolls in their pen, it looks like a bakery.

sorry i did not reply to your post yesterday,

i am glad you and i check the posts frequently too, and i am glad you are speaking to me as i am with Amber.

looking forward to your next post.

Bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

Please don't be sorry, I know sometimes its difficult to post. My last one to you I deleted three times because I was worried I sounded silly. I'm just so hopeless.

My reason for coming onto BB was because I was trying to find a way to help myself when l was physically unable. Also to find the reason why I am unable to take the medication. I think the fact remains that I'm just so scared.  I can't even make simple decisions not wanting to get it wrong.

My time in hospital hasn't changed any of that I do regret that I didn't take the medication and help myself before I ended up in a mhu.... I was just unable.

I was shocked today when they discharged me, one of my nurses was crying because they tried really hard to try and keep me there.

Not sure what's going to happen now I don't think I can keep taking the medication it is making me so unwell and I am having trouble remembering words and finding it hard to talk. I just can't function like this. I thought the side effects would have improved by now.

I went bush today, my usual spot by the river. I find listening to the water really soothing.There was a family of ducks they had 12 ducklings so beautiful. Swimming and searching the bank for food.

I'm glad you managed a walk today not so great about the birds though. I was walking the other week and was swooped by a magpie who took a chunck out of my head.

Blood everywhere, I know what a terrible fright I got.

The poor rooster sound like he's having a difficult time, maybe his allergies are playing up...lol  or just needed a long drink. Do you get to visit the animals, that would be wonderful if you could.

I hope you manage another walk tomorrow it's great for clearing the head, I like to use my senses to stop the

dark thoughts, when I walk I try to take everything in, the mountains, clouds, sky, pastures, Cowes, horses... Maybe you could try it certainly helps with the anxiety and racing thoughts. I would like to hear about the things you see while walking.  Even the different smells, sounds, and what you see. Give it a go Jacques you might enjoy you walk a little more. I'd be interested to hear how you go. And I can tell you about my walk tomorrow.

Take care

Karen

[AGrace]

Hi J,

Thank you for your questions.

How am I coping being around all the people?

Well to be honest, and I know it's a strong word, I hated my partner's birthday. I was so anxious and I couldn't think of how to strike up or maintain a conversation with anyone. I found myself trying to avoid contact by busying myself in the kitchen and cleaning up after everyone. When there was little to do I was isolating, having a cigarette on my own. The handful of people who came up to my while ever I was sitting quietly by myself made me angry, because I didn't know what to say to them. I found myself wishing that they would just leave me alone. I yelled at 3 of his friends for playing with the helium inside the balloons that were decorating the back yard. Not because they were mucking around and trashing the place, but because I had no other way to release some of the anger I was feeling. They now keep coming up to my partner at work and passing on their apologies.

So all in all it was a night I wish I could've gotten out of, but for obvious reasons I had to be there. I've told my partner how I felt and he understands, he knows how difficult social events are for me. I felt so abnormal for not being able to enjoy myself. I spoke to my DBT therapist about it, and she said that it was perfectly normal, which helps a bit. It doesn't however help the fact that I've got 3 more occasions with these people coming up between now and Xmas, and I'm still hoping that by some small miracle I can get out of going.

Other than that I'm getting back into the swing of things. I have my first DBT group session this Friday. I'm putting every ounce of hope into this program, I need it like the air I breathe. The first module we will cover is distress tolerance, something I need a lot more of:)

I'm on 1 week of holidays from uni this week, so that's nice. Yesterday I got to spend an entire day with my mum and my sister in Melbourne. We went to NGV to see the Jean Paul Gaultier exhibition and then out for tapas lunch, followed by a 3 hour massage facial and body treatment. It was a good day, I had a moderate amount of anxiety, but I was trying to just notice and accept that I felt anxious rather than trying to push it away and it turn into anger or something else.

I'm glad that you are discovering some people to look up to. I may not be the best example at times, but I put every bit of effort I can into keeping well.

Look forward to hearing from you again. A x

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i have the same problem, i feel so out of touch and don't know what to talk to people about, 5 years ago when i spend my last Christams with family i felt so isolated because they were all drinking and when i went u to them with a cup of coffee they all gave off body language like they were uncomfortable with me being their, i do the same, i try to find something to do or find a place where i can be on my own, i don't know what to talk about, most peoples first question is where do you work?, who are you dating?, how have you been?. i never know how to answer, i can't just say i am going crap and all i do all day is sleep, people feel very uncomfortable when you tell the truth, i have only done this 3 times, and will never do it again.  but i suppose you managed to get through it, that is a positive, isn't it? maybe with more contact CBT might work and you may feel more comfortable.

it is good that you are doing DBT, you are sure going all out trying to get the best possible treatment and getting better.

you lucky duck, an hour of massage you must feel on cloud 9, and a nice lunch to boot, it is good that you are spending time with family, and that your partner is so understanding, take care Amber, and enjoy your week off.

i didn't sleep last night worring about Christmas, i just can't wait until it is over and i am home, mum has promised me this will be the last holliday i will ever have to go on, so this is giving me some reliefe, i just need to get to January and life will be back to normal.  hopeflly we will not go away for too long, if it were just me i would go for 1-2 days, thats it, but mum needs the holliday so i suppose it will have to be as long as she needs.

anyway have fun in your week off.

Bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

istill don't know why i am here, but i do know it has become a bit of a compultion now, so it looks like you, Amber and i will be talking for a while:)

I don't like takingmedication either, i have been taking it for two years, i still get dibilitating side effects, i get nausious, dizzy, forgetful lathargic and start shaking  for no reason, but i take it because it makes every ones life around me better and less stressful, so for me it is worht it just to put family at ease.

i hope you enjoy your (freedom), sounds nice i like the sound of running water too, i am planing to put a pond with a fountain in the back yard, so i can listen to it when ever i feel like, and to give the frogs a bigger area to live;) i was thinking about getting some coy but i am worried that the birds will attack them so i might just leave it empty and if any frogs or the like want to go their they can, allow them to make the choice.

i love watching ducklings too, some years a mother duck and her little ones come through our yard  to get to another dam, she always gets confused with the fences so mum and i set up some water and pen all the gates so she can navigate through the place, she usually manages to find her own way, only sometimes do i need to help her find the way.

i get the same with the mag pi's i lost some hair 3 times this year, but i understand that the mag pi is just trying to protect her little ones, so i don't make much of a fuss.

yes i did walk today, but unfortunatly i don't look up from the ground because i am frightened that other people walking will talk to me, so i just look at the pavement. so i don't usually see much when i am walking, we have a timber mill in the town and when i walk past it i get the smell of freshly cut pine, which is nice.

i don't find walking helps mcu hwith the anxiety, i seem to think more, but the walking burns off some of the adrenaline from the anxiety through the night so i go walking every morning.

no i don't go to the farm to see the animals close p i am just happy looking across the road, as i don't have much to do with the care taker, because of my anxiety.

good news the rooster has his vioce back, still sneezes, but is able to crow, i heard him at 5am this morning, it made me smile.

take care Karen and try to look up to Amber and keep going with the treatment, i know it is tuff, and you are stronger than me i could not do what you have done already, trust in yourself and don't allow your past to control your future.

Bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

I suppose you are on your way to QLD, i hope you and your partner have a good flight:) how did the job interview go, did you get the job?

Have a nice break and enjoy QLD, it was a beautiful place when i was their and i hope it still is for your holliday.

Hi Karen,

Just an update on the wildlife.  Their is two cats that hunt around the area that i live, i was watching one last night, the smart little bugger has learned how to get around your yard without setting off the sensor lights, he moves a couple of steps then stops to make sure he/she has not set them off.  i can't believe how intelligent animals are, sometimes i wonder if they ar emore intelligent than humans.

It was funny yesterday one of the cats went into the farm next door, when he went in an entire flock of sheep left the paddock just because he went in their, i could not believe how frightened they were so many of them and one cat, it was not like he would be able to do any harm to them, he caught his/her dinner (a bird) and went on his way.

I hope you are going ok today, and i hope you have a good weekend.

Look after yourself.

Bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

I'm glad you managed to go for a walk, I try to walk everyday and have the same problem that I only look at the ground and when someone comes the other way I hope they don't say anything. My mind also goes a million miles an hour, a couple of times l have become so detached I wasn't even sure which way to get back. So now I challenge myself to look at the mountains, fields, animals and sky. I can't do it for long but at least it helps a little.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday but l was really struggling its takes all my energy just to get through the day. I have never known exhaustion like this but I'm still unable to sleep. 

I love your idea of a fountain, sounds like a great project for you. Ithink you'll be surprised at how many animals it will attract. Water is so soothing, I'm sure you're mum would enjoy it too.

I went to the Dr today and managed to sit in the waiting room without having to leave. He has recommended that I start anti depressants I'm not sure how I'm going to take them and really don't want any more side effects. It's something I'm going to have to work on. I know I really need to. I have to find a way.

Thank you for your support I appreciate you thinking I'm strong, i believe everyone here has untold strength, including you.

I love hearing about the animals thanks for sharing, I was watching a couple of cockatoos today they were doing tricks in a gum tree spinning around a branch then hanging upside down squawking at people walking past. I'm in my car again, by the river my favorite spot. The duckings seem to be doing well and people are feeding them bits of bread. I managed a short walk and got quite a surprise when a Labrador came out of the long grass with a rabbit in its mouth. I also have to keep an eye out for snakes now the weather is warming up and the grass either side of the trail is really long. Its worries me a lot and I am really jumpy when I walk, part of the post traumatic stress I am always on the look out for danger and very easily startled. But I will persist.

I hope you are OK please takecare, 

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

i walk every day too, rain, hail or shine,  days per week, it is the only thing that seems to calm me, so does pacing around the house, but i do know what it is like, my mind races too, i forget things, everything feels so unreal. you are better than me though, i am still unable to look up no matter what.

you are so lucky to be able to drive, i find it so hard to drive, i have to "hype" myself up to get in the car, i am so frightened that i will have a traffic accident and not know, not to mention i get so nervious i start shaking and forget to breath, which makes me light headed. i have not driven regularly for about 7 years, not since i finished TAFE in 2007.  sometimes i still miss driving, and just wish i could get in the car and just drive, no were in particular just be on the road.

i know what you mean with being lathargic, i can only manage 2-4 hours of being awake every day, then i need to sleep, having the adrenaline pumping through me just makes me so tired, i am always "on edge" and so hyper aware of my surroundings it just takes it's toll and i have to sleep.  not that i sleep very well when i do:(

iam so lucky, my Dr is aware of my agoraphobia and allows me to sit in an isolated area away from everyone else, it is still hard to go their, but it does help as i can't handle being around groups of people, that is why i do all my shopping at 6am i very rarly leave the house after 7am. it only gives me an hour per day to leave the house, but i manage to get all of my supplies in that time.

i get easily startled too, i jump at the slightest noise, and i am becomming very nervy too, i need to tap something, click a pen, anything to have something to do, i wish i was still a smoker it would give me something to occupy my hands.

i hope you have a good and quiet Friday night:)

bye

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi

I have been meaning to drop in and say hi for a while, but every time I go to post on this thread anxiety and fear of rejection kicks in and then I delete the post.

I think you are all amazing people and an inspiration including you Jacques despite what you may think.

What made me post today is when you said Jacques that you find it hard to drive, I just want to let you know you are not alone I too am frightened to drive, and it has gotten that bad that every time I hop in the driver’s seat I have panic attacks and cry so I refuse to drive altogether these days.

To be honest I have not driven a car very much since I got my driver’s licence in 2006 as I fear having an accident and I fear people judging my driving.

I did have friend a couple of years ago who took me for a couple of drives to help me get over my fear, but the last time I remember when I almost went for a drive is we went to a waterpark together and as we was going to go home he handed me the keas and made me sit in the driver’s seat and said I was driving home I just sat in the driver’s seat and cried for a half hour and had a panic attack after a half hour he got sick of it and ended up driving home.

These days I rely on public transport and people often ask me why I don’t drive I just tell them that I can’t afford a car.

But the truth is I am scared to drive and sometimes I wonder why I even have my licence, I relay do wish I could get over this fear and I could drive myself around.

I still think you are all amazing people and an inspiration.

Take care

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hello Sparkles,

Oh my gosh their are so many people like yourself reading this post, i am just so amazed, in real life when i tell people about my anxiety and fear of being away from my mother people usuall laugh and make jokes of it, it is just so unbelievable to actually have people treating me so nicely.  Sparkles please don't ever feel anxious talking to me, i am more scared of you, and what you think than the other way around, i am just so supprised that anyone is reading this thread, let alone respond, i thought people might pitty me or use me as something to laugh at.

Anyway i am jst so happy you decided to post on this thread, you, Karen, LR and Amber this is the most contact i have had with people since i left highschool in 2000, thank you so much for taking an interest in what i write, it is much apreciated.

Oh i don't know about me being an inspiration, i am 32 years old too scared to leave my mum, i can think of a lot of things to call me, but an inspiration i am not sure, but thank you for the kind words.

You are lucky you have public transport, i live in a rural town with no public transport and about 1 hour from the nearest large town, so you have to drive to get anywhere, i am so fortunate to have my mother, she drives me everywhere i need to go, i got my licence in 1998 and drove everyday for about 7 years before the fear started kicking in, it started by hearing noises and having to turn around to make sure i didn't hit anything.  Then i found it hard to get to the speed limit becasue i was frightened of loosing control of the car, and it has snowballed from their, it got to the point i wanted to hand in my licence but my mother forced me not to because if their was an emergency i would need to drive, and so i kept it, i now only drive when absolutly nessisary and it takes me about 30min to an hour to get myself the courage to drive, and when i am done i feel so exhausted from the panic and hyper alertness.

It is a shame some of us have to go through this, it is just not fair, i use to so enjoy driving when i first got my licence but now it is a source of fear like everything else in my life.

I agree with you it would be good to be able to drive ourselves around to have the freedom to do as we wish, but i woud not know where to start, the more i drive the more fearful i become.

Thank you Sparkles i have enjoyed talking to you, please feel free to post here any time, as i am too frightened to post anywere else.

Take care

Jacques