Opening Up

[AMlove]

Hi,

I have never posted on a forum like this before. But, here goes. I have a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) and also, currently, depression. I've had GAD since probably high school but for the most part, throughout my teens and 20s, it was manageable. Three years ago I moved cities (I've lived overseas before) but I struggled with this move. I started university shortly after moving (a rather stressful course) and found that my anxiety was taking over. I had always prided myself on being a good student and found the fact that I was too anxious to engage in the material extremely distressing. That experience really knocked my confidence. I've recently enrolled back to study and have been extremely anxious since doing so. To say I've felt extremely anxious almost feels like an understatement. My anxiety has also evolved into depression. I am a perfectionist and place extremely high expectations on myself. I have a good job that I should be proud of and have done well in my career thus far but struggle with feelings of worthlessness, feeling deficient and feeling not good enough. I don't know what I want out of this really but I just wanted to share my story. I have felt really low recently and it can feel so, so isolating. Has anyone else been through something like this? Are there any other perfectionists or recovering perfectionists out there? I'm determined to get through this period. I take medication, see a psychologist and have a fantastic support network. But, still, it's so, so, so hard. I think for me breaking the negative thought loops/negative emotions will be the biggest challenge. Is there anyone out there who has been through something like this or managed to overcome their negative thought loops? To all of you who struggle with anxiety and depression -- you are not alone.

[ErinB]

Hi AMlove,

I have a diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and the perfectionistic part of the disorder is what I struggle with most. I dropped out of high school 3 times before finally quitting for good and then dropped out of university multiple times too. I find myself unqualified with no job experience as a result of my perfectionism. It got to a point where I would feel suicidal at the thought of starting a task because there was a risk of me not doing it perfectly. So, you are definitely not alone. I'm sorry you're struggling so much but we are to support you. I don't have much advice for you since it's something I also struggle with and haven't received much treatment for yet but I hope you find some helpful advice here!

[Annabea]

Hi Amlove

my first post too! I hope you are doing ok. I’m lying here at three am looking for different ways to manage anxiety. I’m usually a high performance anxiety however in the last 48 I’ve frozen. The feelings of worthlessness, trapped and no escape are more than I have had to survive before. At the moment the tactics I’m trying is reaching out and only looking at what needs to happen in the next hour. Something I’m also trying to change loops (May require more practice) is imaging this anxiety and life issues belong to my best friend. Then I’m trying to imagine she has invited me over for a cup of tea as a way of reaching out. Then I am trying to listen to her problems as a friend. And finally I’m trying to genuinely respond to her concerns. Im finding it hard to listen to the kindness and ideas I’m willing to give to a friend but won’t except for myself. Not sure if any of this helps or makes sense.

[geoff]

Hello AMlove, ErinB and Annabea, with OCD and the need to be perfect is certainly something that does dominate this illness, and I say this because I also have it and know that it does happen because, in the eyes of other people, we may never feel good enough, a fear of being unable to complete a task perfectly, they put it off as long as possible, which may lead to procrastination.

It may feel as though there are expectations from others, and fear that we may not be meeting the goal and could avoid any type of failure which can lead onto the mental problems we are suffering from.

Take care and hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.