OCD - feel like I'm going crazy :(

[ThelmaLo]

Hi all, I was diagnosed with OCD last year and first it centred around being worried I'd done something inappropriate when changing my daughter's nappy and kinda spiralled from there.
Anyway so my doctor asked if I'd ever heard voices as this is apparently not completely uncommon for someone with high anxiety and I said no but the next night when opening my daughter's room i thought I heard what sounded like 'hey' so I freaked out and started googling (bad idea) freaked out I was getting schizophrenia. My doctor also asked if I'd ever had thoughts of harming my daughter and I said oh no way never (which was true yesterday!) I read a forum about someone who kept having the word 'kill' come to mind over and over and it was just OCD and went away. So then that night of course the same thing happens to me and I get the thought 'kill' which turns into 'kill her' (my daughter) and it's completely freaked me out!! I love her more than anything in this world and I never want anything to happen to her but now I'm starting to get really scared and thinking what if I'm actually a danger to her or something. Also feeling so guilty that that thought has even entered my mind I've just started on medication a couple of weeks ago too so went up in dosage today. Any advice support etc would be so appreciated right now. I'm seeing my doctor again in 2 weeks to see how the medication is going.

[Swan_13]

Hi Thelma,

It must be really scary to have those voices/thoughts pop in to your head, especially when they’ve appeared only after someone else has mentioned them.

I truly hear how much you love your daughter and how much you want to protect her. Please forgive yourself for having these thoughts and have some compassion for what you’re going through at the moment. It’s as though the possibility was brought to your attention and your mind decided to run with it… I think it’s important to keep in mind that you are not consciously and purposefully having these thoughts. This is not your fault. You seem committed to finding a solution and there is help available.

I can completely relate to the whole googling symptoms thing but I’m glad you realised it wasn’t the best solution and decided to speak to your doctor about it. Do you mind me asking whether your doctor suggested seeing a psychologist? Maybe this is something you could discuss at your appointment in 2 weeks?

Talk soon 🙂

[ThelmaLo]

Thanks so much for your reply. I am seeing a psychologist also and it wasn't super helpful so decided to see a psychiatrist too, at least for a while to hopefully calm things down but so far it's done the exact opposite!

I was getting better at ignoring random intrusive thoughts and was just mainly stuck where I'd done something and thought it was somehow wrong when noone else did.

But now this particular one has thrown me though and completely freaked me out. It actually felt like a different voice or something to normal so I'm starting to stress about hearing voices or something. Can OCD just throw up a random thought that sounds like a command in a different 'voice' (I'm not hearing external voices or anything like that) it sounds so weird to type that. Like a different voice in my head to normal over the top of my other thoughts that's completely freaked me out that's only ever happened with this one thing.

[Summer Rose]

Hi ThelmaLo

My daughter has OCD and she often describes her intrusive thoughts as "a voice in my head saying awful things". I'm not a doctor but I do know that OCD is tricky and relentless when it finds a weakness. I'm going out on a limb here but ...

I think it's entirely possible that the doctor's questions about hearing voices and having thoughts about hurting your daughter, coupled with the google results, probably shocked and frightened you and then OCD spotted a weakness and moved in.

I want to encourage you to remember that these are just thoughts. They are not you or anything you will do. These thoughts while scary cannot hurt you or your daughter and they will pass.

Has your psychologist provided you with strategies for how to deal with these situations? If not, ask for them. Some of the things my daughter does, that work for her in situations like this, are to exercise (literally running the thoughts out of her head), distraction through drawing or video games or just trying to relax by bathing or showering. Sometimes she just has to wait it out, but tomorrow is always a new day and a fresh start.

I know this illness and I know you can get through this. You are really brave to discuss your thoughts here and doing really well by seeking help and commencing treatment. This is so important because while people do unfortunately fall ill, they also get better with treatment.

Hang in there

[OCDisOK]

Hi Thelma,

I have suffered with OCD for about 4 years now. It is relentless. The way I describe it is a little monster inside your head that knows your biggest fears and convinces you you will become/ act out those fears.

As I can imagine, harm to my child would be absolutely number one on my list of fears and worries. My intuition is that this fear is so large for you that it obsesses over the potentiality of you doing such things. When my little cousin was born I struggled a lot thinking I was going to harm her sexually. This was so invasive, horrible and often made me feel like throwing up. I would distance myself from her and worry about taking her to the bathroom when she needed. I have always loved children and found crimes against children the most abhorrent of all crimes. This is why my OCD targeted that vulnerability of mine. I do not doubt you love your daughter more than anything and would never harm her. My personal experience is that the thoughts are in my own voice in my head, but I'm sure this is also covered under the OCD symptoms. Nevertheless, it is imperative to always seek support when feeling more vulnerable or needing clarification. I suggest consulting with your doctor that knows most about your mental health. I found that some psychologists were unhelpful and under qualified. I suggest a psychiatrist as they generally are more knowledgable on the area and much better at identifying potential issues.

Do not blame yourself and inundate yourself with guilt - this I am sure you are already doing.

Speaking up is just showing others that it is ok to talk about these horrible thoughts and we are not bad people, or alone in suffering from OCD.

[geoff]

Hello ThelmaLo, and thanks to all those above with their replies, much appreciated.

I'm an old fella and had OCD since I was 5 or 6 years old, and wow 'intrusive thoughts' were so scary but at that young age I couldn't tell anyone, so to suffer in silence only exaggerated the situation.

None of my obsessions ever happened with me, it's understanding what they mean and how to cope with them.

We never actually consider doing these things but the more we think about them the more they keep coming back and at times that aren't appropriate, and I know how distressing they are.

If you copy and paste 'intrusive thoughts' in your browser then many other comments have been made.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[jess_b]

Hey ThelmaLo,

Thank you for sharing your story, I know how hard it is to open up about these distressing thoughts and I have/still been there!
I got so worried that I was hearing voices/going crazy that I was constantly on the look out and questioning everything and wasn’t sure what was going on I do still admittedly have these doubts and have voiced them to my psych she has comforted me given me a psychosis test because she wanted to show me that I don’t, it is simply apart of OCD intrusive thoughts! I suggest doing the same because although sometimes I question it I know that it’s because my OCD knows how fearful I am of this happening that it grasps onto it and runs with it and makes me distressed!
funny you say that about the children ect because my psych told me about other cases to help comfort me except it did the opposite it made me think about it and I ended up with the thoughts that she had mentioned about somebody else! This is the scary thing about OCD it looks for the thing you are most fearful of hurting yourself, your child, a loved one, loosing your mind ect and it runs with it because we continue to give it space! It isn’t always easy to convince yourself otherwise but we have to keep trying and know that we can beat this!

So I just want you to know, I don’t think you’re going crazy, you are not your thoughts, you are brave for coming here and also for facing these issues, you are definitely not alone!

I will be here for a chat with whatever else you might need some guidance in, I only just started my journey 3-4 months ago so I think sharing with others going through the same is quite helpful ❤️ Sending love and light 🌞