Obsessive Compulsive Thoughts about Someone

[3cats]

I'm happily married but my husbands exes name keeps coming into my thoughts. She's no threat at all and the thoughts did go away until a week before our wedding I saw her looking worst for wear as karma is definitely catching up with her for all the things that she's done to people but it's never been directed at me but I constantly think about her. Even on our wedding day. Her name was going through my thoughts. It's causing me so much anxiety and stress going through this again. Has anyone experienced this at all? I'm trying to be positive and turn my thoughts around into feeling sorry for her but I can't, as she's told so many lies and I shouldn't feel anything at all or even think about her as she's nothing to me so I need to retrain my thoughts again where she's irrelevant to my thoughts and my life again.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi 3cats,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

Obsessive thoughts are very common in anxiety and I'm glad that you've recognised what they are - thoughts. I'm also really glad that you're looking at 'retraining your thoughts'. This is a great strength as it's not always easy to identify either of the two.

I think lots of people will have various opinions about the best method of trying to retrain and let go of these thoughts.

For me it's about acceptance. Thoughts often (but not always) get obsessive because we so quickly try to dismiss them. It's almost like we tell our brains there's nothing to worry about go away! Then it just comes back with a vengeance, getting stronger and more invasive throughout the day.

Here's what we know with 100% certainty:

- Your husband's ex is not a threat

- Your husband is not into his ex and has moved on

Is there anything else that maybe you don't know, or that you're questioning? It doesn't matter how big or small it is but it's important that it's acknowledged. I know I've had very similar thoughts in the past and questioned whether or not my partner was still into his ex's, despite there being no evidence.

If there's not, and it's just her name popping into your head, then that's okay too. Instead of it being an invasive thought you could swing it - I've heard of people singing their name (alone of course!), drawing it, saying it in high pitched tones. It sounds ridiculous but the idea behind it is that it's just a name.

The other idea that has helped people is treating that thought like an annoying child or a dog that doesn't sit still - oh, there's that pesky thought again! Silly thought! The idea is that we're just acknowledging it instead of questioning it. You know that there's nothing there, so it's just a thought. Oh well. At the end of the day if you do not give it power by questioning it, it will get weaker and weaker.

Also - I know these ideas seem completely silly, and maybe it works for you maybe it doesn't - but I know for sure that it has worked for others so if you could give it a try maybe it's worth it.

[3cats]

Thank you so much for your great suggestions romantic _thi3f that's excellent advice. My husband has definitely moved on from her and years ago he had to have an order taken out on her, the woman is crackers. Some people just do things in life to draw attention to themselves and be something in life that they feel important about. I will use your suggestions and put them into practice as I really have to disconnect myself from this situation and look at her with sympathy and realise that she's doing damage to herself it has nothing to do with me. I need to use distraction rather than attraction to these thoughts and eventually they will disperse. Thank you again.

[geoff]

hello 3cats, there is nothing worse than an obsessive thought that continually comes back to annoy you, I have them and have had them for 57 years, but I wonder whether your new husband is thinking exactly the same as your past b/friend.
You have made b/friends over this time and he has had g/friends over the same period, that's what dating is all about, but you and your husband didn't want to continue on with that r/ship, the reason is because you and him didn't like them, and that's why you are getting married to each other. Geoff. x

[3cats]

Thanks Geoff I can see your concept and its good. He believes that the past is the past and to move forward and not give the past too much energy.

[geoff]

hello 3cats, when the past starts to haunt you, you then have to realise that it's gone and it's history, but when the past comes back to haunt someone then that's when depression begins, but I don't want that to happen with you, because you are happily married, so look forward to the present and then the future. Geoff. x