Not worthy

[Lostkey_]

I already feel guilty that I’m writing this while ignoring my daughter.

I wake everyday feeing anxious about the day, I have zero confidence as an adult. 

I wake most nights and cry uncontrollably 

I don’t feel worthy of this life 

I have never achieved anything or have any skills 

I should have a bit of a career by now but I dont

I have everything anyone could want yet I feel I dont deserve it

i am extremely lucky but I go to sleep feeing guilty 

Regret that I can’t restart while 

fearing of failure 

I’m jealous of everyone 

I’m letting my partner and my children down

i dont socialise because of the anxiety that I have nothing interesting to talk about and honestly I don’t have the energy to listen to other people 

I can’t find the right help

Ive been navigating my whole life with anxiety and depression and I’m exhausted Ive had enough

Can I get better? Or is this just who I am 

a part of me? 

[therising]

I feel for you as you take stock of all the things you feel you haven't achieved. I can relate to the inner critic as being somewhat of a 'list maker'. It never inspires us to compile lists of all the things we have achieved, from tiny through to great. It's never going to say 'Remember how you managed to make it through the worst day of your life or how you managed to simply exist for your kids on your most depressed or anxious days?'. It won't add to that list by saying 'What about the time when you reached out to someone even though you were full of doubt and fear or all the times where you tried so hard to figure out what it is that would make all the difference'. The inner critic won't generate that kind of list. Instead, it can be a brutal, uninspiring and depressing facet of us that just won't cut us a break. I much prefer the kind or sage like part of us that tells us all that stuff, leading us to reflect on how hard we're trying to manage intense soulful and/or mental health challenges.

When I consider the hundreds of skills we're not taught early in life, it's not until later in life sometimes that we can feel the intense push to develop them. Some skills are basic, like learning to breathe our way through fear and a hyperactive nervous system, yet they can take a lot of practice to finally master. Some are complex, such as with how to bring new parts of us to life, while also laying old and depressing or stressful parts to rest. Some entail the challenge of redefining emotions, such as with redefining what love (including self love) means to us, as opposed to how others or the dictionary defines love. One of my favourite skills, that I'm far from being a master at btw, involves how to see. How to see through the imagination in ways like never before, in ways that offer a different vision of life than what we're used to seeing, is a skill worth developing. Even the skill of finding people who can see for us and guide us through their vision is a skill worth developing. Finding good guides is a definite skill and one I could not live without.

As a 53yo gal who works in a job that's far from being labeled as a 'career', if you asked me to choose between a highly respected well paying career and a life where I can manage to develop skills that feed my mind, heart, soul and overall sense of self, it's an easy choice. As someone who's managed challenges that come with being such a deeply and intensely feeling person (for decades), I would always choose ways of greater self understanding and self development. I believe this is our true #1 lifetime career, coming to better know our self in skillful ways. Unfortunately, we typically don't get paid for it.

While it's tempting to focus on how we let others down, I like to occasionally question 'How are those around me raising me in ways I can feel?'.

[Laurennn]

Dear Lost Key,

I find when you are very unwell with anxiety and depression, your thoughts are always focussed and concentrated on the negative. ‘ I don’t have a career’, ‘I am letting everyone down’ etc etc in your post. 

I can assure you, you have done many wonderful things in your life - you are just struggling. Anxiety and depression are liars - do not listen to what they tell you. 

Don’t let negative thoughts sabotage you, thoughts like ‘I can’t do this’ & ‘I’m not good enough’ are distressing and stop you doing things that help. We know that anxiety and low mood trigger these destructive thoughts. Such thoughts are also unrealistic, biased and don’t reflect what we have achieved in our past, or what we will achieve in the future. Remember our thoughts are not always true or helpful. Challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself what a friend would say if you told them about these thoughts.

I hear you, see you & I hope you keep fighting! 
Lauren.

[sbella02]

Lostkey,

My heart goes out to you, I can hear the pain in your words. Thank you so much for reaching out, and you don't have to feel guilty for looking after your mental health and wellbeing. You deserve to feel happy and secure in yourself.

Therising and Lauren have given some very beautiful and valid words already, and I agree with every bit of what they've said. I'm here to extend their words with my own experiences, mainly about achievement and failure because I feel I have a bit to say on these subjects.

It sounds like you've been stuck in this cycle for a while of looking down on yourself and what you've achieved in your life, and that it may be familiar to you to feel this way, if I'm reading your words correctly. I'm here to remind you that it is possible to break this cycle, even though it can take work. Even the smallest of steps can make a world of difference.

First, keep in mind that achievements don't necessarily have to be large or even physical. Achieving something is highly personal and can be defined however you see fit. For instance, if you find it hard to get up out of bed every day, and one morning you wake up AND make your bed, you can still relish in that achievement. That's something to be proud of. Talking kindly to people, helping somebody out with a task, doing something small to make yourself feel better... these can all be considered achievements. 

I would start by focusing on these smaller achievements to give yourself a boost of happiness and confidence.

With regards to feeling failure, I've heard many quotes and phrases about failure that can help you reframe it from something bad into something positive. For me, I often find that I learn more from my "failures" than I do from my successes, as they can help reveal what may not be working so that I can try again in a new way. This way of thinking can help you turn "I can't do this" into "I can't do this yet", which in itself can be a great improvement because it helps get you into a mindset of growing and developing, which is good.

As Lauren has touched on, these negative thoughts that we have about ourselves can often be combatted by thinking about something that's the complete opposite. With thoughts about self-worth in particular, every time you think to yourself "I am not worthy" or "I don't deserve this", you could try writing down or thinking about statements like "I do have worth" and "I do deserve this". In general, I've found that our minds tend to believe things that we repeat often, so if we begin to change the language with which we speak about ourselves, our mindset will change too.

I hope this can resonate with you, there may be a lot here to digest. If you feel you have more to get off your chest or if you need more support, we're here to help.

All the best, SB