Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

[Beaser]

Hi and best wishes.     

When im around friends everything seems better . I forget and relax and dont tend to be honest about how tough im doing things.  When im home alone things really hit me and i get distraught again and i wish i had of opened up about just how hard im finding things .. Ive made a decision to be honest with people but i dont because im feeling ok at the time.  I was wondering do other people have similar experiences.    Brett

[Sophie_M]

Hello Beaser!

Thank you so much for taking the time to post such an excellent and fundamental question around anxiety! This one will be good for many to read!

Yes! What you are describing is the effect of Distracting / Refocusing and other similar techniques used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - and indeed many therapeutic techniques aimed squarely at anxiety and depression generally.   Many great techniques in therapy really are just taking protective things that the brain does subconsciously and making them conscious and effort based!

Anxiety Disorder's main power is taking the level of 'Overthinking' that we all quite naturally do in the background and amplifying it to an absurd degree - allowing that overthinking to take over the roles of intuition, creativity, and a lot of other functions and then - and this is the part that usually leads to diagnosis- making the whole thing very negative, lonely and/or fearful.

So naturally when we can manage to Distract by giving our brain a lot of fun work to do (like processing social situations) the anxiety gets forced out of the picture for the moment - you are probably still aware on some level that things feel rough right now, but it’s not the important focus. When stuck at home alone however......

So two things that you have hinted at for yourself beautifully, Beaser, is:
1) When alone, find ways for the brain to still have enjoyable and proactive things to target and focus on, even if it is just making sure the kitchen is clean to a standard you like, or similar, and
2) Be Honest!! Distraction and Positive Mentality are powerful! But they can become a mask for the problems as well. Try not to let yourself drag down the positives you are having, but also let close friends and family know what is happening behind the scenes. You are allowed a Safety Blanket AND a Lifeline. It need not be one or the other!

Thank you for asking such an important question, Beaser! Please remember if you are feeling truly stuck when alone, you can reach out to us on 1300 22 4636!

Regards,

Sophie M.

 

[Beaser]

Than you Sophie.   I appreciate as always your thoughtful reply.   I  do hope as you say that some others will find this topic of some help.  I am trying to do things as you say tidy things a bit and even keep myself neat and tidy which a times is even a struggle.   I miss my ex partner so much and would love for things to return to how they were.   Even my friends say that im going over things in regard to that.    Surely its not just my fault that were apart.     Beaser

[jaz28]

Hi Brett,

I am sorry you feel this way. I think it is helpful to feel safe and comfortable around your friends, it is good that you are able to forget about your troubles and relax with them. However, good friends will be there for you in times of need, they cannot be your rock, but they will be there to lend a helping hand. Next time you feel upset, you could call or text a close friend to see if they have time to talk. Or, try to distract yourself in other ways when you are alone.

I think being alone can be uncomfortable because we are alone with our thoughts, but you can also choose to make it a productive time and try to sit with these thoughts and figure out ways to work through them.

I hope things improve for you soon,

Jaz xx

[On The Road]

Hi Brett,

I think I have similar experiences, but I don't actually have best friends so generally when I'm with friends in general they think I'm ok just a bit down (as I usually am). I tend to keep to myself, occasionally I need distractions, so I opened up a bit and spoke out about some struggles selectively some of them via text, social media etc, or a meetup in coffee shops if I'm lucky. 

I still maintain my boundary tho, I didn't want them to think I'm clingy, burdensome trouble 😅 It made me feel much better to talk with someone and they don't have to be my soulmates.  and I'm hoping to put my heart out more, and disclose more to make meaningful connections. 

It may not be the best way, but I did feel much better after some talks, I learnt my lessons and don't put too high expectations on friendship. 

[geoff]

Hello Brett, if someone is suffering from any type of depression, you can still have a good time when you're with your friends, you can laugh, share jokes and feel relaxed, but as soon as they go, back down you go to feeling what you've been struggling with.

Your partner/spouse may believe that you are over this illness and feel relieved, but when they go and fall backwards again, they can't understand why this happens and may become annoyed themselves, asking why are you 'fine' when they're with you and you're not with me.

If you own up to these friends, they will only say 'well you're having a good time now and find it difficult to believe' unless they have been through this themselves.

There are only a few you can tell, because not everyone will understand or know what to say and telling the wrong person can lead to many other problems, which you want to avoid.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Beaser]

Thanks again Geoff.    When you say opening up to the wrong person i was wondering problems you mean it could cause. I have no real family to open up to and i think i have suprised some people who i have opened up to.    Best wishes my friend,    Brett

[Mark Z.]

Hi Brett,

I think your reaction is quite reasonable. It's much harder to open up with a group of friends isn't it? Maybe you can try to have one on one chat with your best friend. For example, invite him/her to have a coffee, or have a walk in the park. It should be easier for you to speak out.

If it's still hard for you, maybe you can try to share your story here? We're ready to listen and help.

Mark

[Beaser]

Thanks Mark.     I have posted pretty much all of my story here at times .     I recently left my job of 13 years and have seperated from my partner. I miss her so much but i also want respect her wish for space.   Im just so lonely at the moment i have no family to call on.   It sounds strange but i would just love to have someone to give them a cuddle and tell each other things will be ok..       Fancy a 56 year old man feeling that way.     Beaser.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Beaser,

I think I can understand you. Do you want to try some volunteer job in your community? It'll be even better if it matches your hobby or interest. It sounds a bit weird to encourage you to support others when you yourself are still vulnerable, but it works for me.

I feel fulfilled when I can contribute and get grateful feedback, such feeling is hard to explain but I do feel I'm part of something bigger and I am needed. Is it similar to the feeling you're looking for? Just make sure to start with something simple and easy to avoid any possible burnout.

Mark