Not sure what this is

[OnlyHuman]

Hello Friends,

I have been feeling unwell for a while, but I can't tell what exactly it is and I would like to hear if others have gone through something similar or would like to share any tips about managing it. (Note: I have a background of depression, anxiety and anorexia nervosa.)

What happened recently is that I was fortunate enough to get some locum work towards Christmas and was really happy about this since I always wanted to work in the clinical setting. But I messed up organisationally and practice-wise, especially since I am a new grad and was alone the whole time, couldn't ask for help because others were overseas, was mentally not there because I was exhausted from working 3 jobs at the time, and I didn't think to ask for advice from friends/colleagues in the field when I was uncertain. So when the others came back things looked pretty bad. I received feedback which was quite harsh, but there was much truth in it and I know it was constructive criticism and no hostility behind it. Needless to say though, I won't be eligible for any more locum positions at the site...

But since finishing there, I keep stressing and worrying about things I could/should have done. I can reconcile with it rationally - I understand I should take it as a learning experience and apply what I've learned given another opportunity, but physically I'm struggling. Thoughts of bits and pieces related to the experience keep popping into my head. They also crop up just before sleeping and the minute I wake up, and I also wake up during the night and the thoughts immediately pop up again so it's hard to go back to sleep. My heart rate is always up, and the low-key headaches that accompany the thoughts aren't helpful. The tiredness from not enough rest is also causing me to make mistakes at work (not related to my degree).

Overall, I feel super stressed and anxious all the time and am struggling to concentrate, especially to write more applications since I do want to improve as a clinician. At the same time, the only casual position I have in the field also gives me a lot of stress because of the accountability related to being a health professional and I am not enjoying being there at all despite it only being a twice/month thing.

It is a somewhat convoluted situation but any words of wisdom will be welcomed!

[ErinB]

This sounds so rough and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I still have those moments of remembering embarrassing moments from 10-15 years ago and it's awful. I physically shake my head and my whole body shakes and I just feel disgusting until I can manage to stop thinking about it. I haven't sought help for this particular issue but sometimes I feel like it could be mild PTSD so perhaps that's what you're struggling with too. I think your best option is to seek help from a mental health professional and talk through your incident. I hope you can move on from it and find suitable work and feel comfortable and safe doing your job in the future!!

[therising]

Hi OnlyHuman

Disappointment can be an incredibly challenging thing to deal with at times, that's for sure. Our take on disappointment is sometimes what makes all the difference.

We'll typically hear phrases such as 'I'm disappointed in myself' or 'I'm so disappointed in you', which can definitely impact the self-esteem. In my opinion, they're pretty useless and destructive phrases. Personally, I try to use the idea of disappointment in a constructive way, a way that helps me let go of things that can deeply challenge me at times.

• If we appoint our self the role of 'He/she who must automatically know everything within the first week of starting a new job', we may seriously have to dis-appoint our self from that role, in favour of a more realistic one. It can be an unrealistic role to be filling. It can take weeks, months or even years to master a certain position
• If we appoint our self the role of 'He/she who must take our kids on a holiday every school holiday break', we must dis-appoint our self from that role if suddenly the finances aren't there or the time suddenly isn't there. Helping the kids deal with the dis-appointment is a must. It's unreasonable to simply state to them 'Get over it!' It's thoughtless

Sounds like you're facing the challenge of dis-appointing yourself from some roles which have challenged you. You may have discovered, throughout your challenges, that the roles were almost impossible to fill to begin with. It's impossible to function at 100% when we're exhausted, for a start. Certain roles take a lot of mental and physical energy. I imagine you to be someone who gives their best to certain roles based on the level of energy you have at the time.

A system that sticks a new person into a situation that requires support 24/7 is a broken system. The people who have raised your attention to the calls you made must also focus attention on the questionable calls they made. In my opinion, they should have got together and appointed themselves the role of 'We who support this new person 24/7'. They made a poor and irresponsible call here.

We will always be challenged throughout our life to both appoint and dis-appoint our self from certain roles. This is the nature of how we evolve to greater understanding of our self and life. Some challenges will be incredibly difficult. We must try to not be so hard on our self while we're mastering them.

Can you think of any roles you'd like to appoint your self to or dis-appoint yourself from?

🙂

[OnlyHuman]

Thanks ErinB 🙂

I do feel it could be something like PTSD, but when I look into what PTSD actually is, it doesn't quite fit?

I agree that seeking help is usually what's best, it's just that it is such a trek having to find a professional that clicks with you. I have seen a psychologist a few years back for almost a year when I got diagnosed with depression, but still struggle to cope today because it wasn't all that helpful.

The job thing haunts me too, because when I am applying for similar things, they want examples of your experience, so when I am applying I have to re-visit those memories again. Since the experience wasn't great, I can't get anyone to vouch for me as referees either, which means I'm essentially not any more employable despite the experience.

[OnlyHuman]

Hi therising,

You raise an interesting concept and I appreciate the time you took to write such a detailed response. Others I have talked to have offered a somewhat similar insight. While I understand it, it is really difficult to fully embody since I still get physical symptoms of it even with acknowledgement of these rationalisations (and it has been several months already!). I just don't know how to dis-appoint myself I suppose.

I find people often have a misconception of me being hard on myself, but when I give actual explanations of the situations around my poor decision-making they remain silent, which only confirms it.

I would really like to dis-appointment from the role of actively finding a job related to my degree that I can confidently do and sustain, but that doesn't seem possible at the moment since I have been failing interviews over the past year due to uncontrolled anxiety.

[therising]

Hi OnlyHuman

I believe it's not until we encounter some great challenge in life that we come to realise a particular skill or ability we have not been taught throughout our upbringing. The skill of being able to move forward through giving our self release from a poor call or action is something that is rarely taught to us. So, we're stuck with the challenge of working this out for our self. Forgiving our self is definitely one of those greater challenges in life.

It kind of seems cruel in a way, how the mind and body are so tied in together at times, how mental emotion (thoughts) can trigger physical energy in motion. Feeling that physical emotion can be torturous. Feeling that incredible sense of dis-ease can be deeply challenging and then back to the mind it goes and then round and round, like some never ending cycle. Sounds a little strange but do you think it would make some difference if you were to get your mind and body talking to each other? Yes, strange. This is a very simple exercise and I'm not sure if it will work for you but thought I'd just put it out there in the hope that it does make some difference: When a thought begins to challenge you and you can feel the energy (anxiety) rising in your body, while completely exhausting a long slow breath out think 'I let go of what my body does not need'. Repeat and keep repeating until you can begin to feel some difference. If a thought threatens to re-enter, repeat. Focus on the breath. Again, sounds strange, but observe how your body begins communicating back to you. Notice the sensations, pay attention to whether you begin naturally yawning, stretching or even if there's any sensational changes to the pressure in your head. These sorts of things can simply indicate your body exhausting stress. Moving forward through giving our self release can involve some physical work as well as mental.

Wondering if you've ever given any consideration to natural therapies. You have a great education in medicine, so you've got that angle covered (knowledge and understanding). Could this experience be challenging you to consider a different angle in treating disease or does your current practice remain your primary interest? Seeing you've mentioned you have personal experience in trying to manage your own mental health issues in the past, could your ultimate calling be to treat combined mental dis-ease and physical disease (holistically)? I believe there is no greater expert than he or she who can relate.

🙂

[ErinB]

The process of finding a psychologist is so difficult, you're right. It definitely takes time when you do find someone to actually feel comfortable enough to open up. I think it's worth looking into again, though. It seems like you could benefit from talking about the anxiety you're experiencing and learn some coping mechanisms. Maybe you could read some books about anxiety or PTSD?

Is there any work experience you could do? Or someone you were close with in that initial job who would be able to vouch for you?

[OnlyHuman]

Hi therising,

I have tried grounding-type techniques in the past. It wasn't taught by my psychologist but I gave it a go and found that it did help at least to reduce the severity of the symptoms. Maybe time to revisit it?

Some articles I have read have speculated that rejection (from jobs/applications) could be seen as re-direction. I still feel that despite the experience being somewhat traumatic, I did enjoy being in that environment and the reason I couldn't do well was from lack of initiative and experience (and by extension judgement) and poor communication. Part of me feels that perhaps the inability to resolve the issues that I had created and therefore the lack of closure is frustrating me, and so it keeps emerging when my mind is not actively occupied on something. In a way, I suppose that's why I want to keep pursuing this area so badly - because I could "rectify" the past wrongs by doing better in a similar situation. But since I can't find any work, I'm stuck stewing about it rather than acting on my contemplations.

At the moment, I don't feel I'm in any position to help others with similar struggles 😞 How am I to help others, when I can't even help myself? It doesn't seem fair to them.

I am really grateful for you and ErinB's support. I do some journalling, but writing it out here and getting responses is at least helping me to understand and clarify my thoughts. Thank you both very much :')

[OnlyHuman]

Hi ErinB,

I went to the GP earlier this week and got a renewal of the Mental Health Care Plan. I got referred to another psychologist in the local area, so I think I will give them a go.

During the early weeks after I got let go, I read some books and they did provide some insight and ways to reconcile with my troubles, though maybe it just isn't enough given I have 3 conditions that can relapse and remit separately or together: e.g. situational trigger--> anxious <--> consistently poor performance in XYZ tasks-->relapse in depression--> disordered eating behaviours triggered by feelings of lack of control+ sense of achievement and direction from weight loss --> poor cognition/memory deficit + frequent illness due to insufficient nutrition, overexercising and lack of sleep -->worsens performance --> worsens anxiety and depression. It's a vicious cycle...

I can't find any work experience, I scour all sites daily but things are either unrealistic e.g. located 2 hours away and part time only (not financially viable) or out of my depth e.g. >2 years experience required. I am considering just approaching someone and asking if I can at least shadow, although I have had rejections before.

No one can vouch for me because I was alone there, and I think my actions and poor communication also painted a very bad picture of my work ethic. For example, when I was absolutely desperate and messaged those on leave (which other team members called me out on), I didn't contextualise my questions. I didn't want to bog them down with a long message so I made them succinct, which it looked like I hadn't bothered to find the information for myself and just wanted them to give me the answer. That to them demonstrated absolutely no initiative. I couldn't tell them that when we were debriefing because I didn't want to keep justifying myself about everything. That would come off as defensive and self-justified especially when I knew I was in the wrong.

But yes, sorry for my long rant! Overall I will try to get in touch with a psychologist soon and fingers crossed that it will go well.

[ErinB]

I'm glad that your Mental Health Care Plan has been renewed and you've been referred to a new psychologist. I do hope that helps and you're able to address your issues and find ways to overcome them or decrease the affect they have on you!