No longer friends but still hurt and angry

[River_15]

Two of my close friends got into a fight a couple of months ago and the one that got angry about the particular situation vented to me about it and bought up everything from the past that the other friend supposedly did to wrong her. She refused to talk to the other party or even tell the other party why she was angry even though the other party tried multiple times to reach out and apologise.

Because of this I became wary of that friend. I felt like I couldn't trust her character if she can't even be an adult and instead played childish games like ignoring the other girl and walking away when she would try to talk to her. I felt like it was a matter of time before something I did would also anger her and she would decided not to talk to me anymore.

We all do competitive sports and in a recent meeting, someone was being treated very unfairly. After the meeting the club president called and was investigating. I was honest about the situation and how I was not comfortable with someone getting yelled at and treated so badly. My friend tried not to answer because I think she felt that person deserved what was happening to her. I suspect (although I'll never know) that she might have thought I thew her and everyone else in that meeting under the bus. Ever since that day 2 weeks ago, she just stopped messaging me and when I messaged her, she'd just give curt one word replies. When i see her in person she just walks right past me.

Although I am hurt, I realised that she's not the kind of person I want in my life. So I am relieved that we are no longer friends but I can't help but also feel so angry that she wouldn't even find out my side of the story before deciding not to talk to me and side with the people at the meeting. People who are not as much of a friend to her as I was! And I can't help but to resent that I have done so much for her as a friend and over one situation she decides to no longer talk to me.

I'm also feeling so awkward because I pretty much still have to see her every weekend at club events. I feel self conscious like I have done something wrong! When I haven't and I don't know why. I still want to go to the club events and I refuse forgo something I love and enjoy just because she's going to be there. But I can't help but feel a bit of anxiety every time think I might see her again. Is this something that I will just overcome with time?

[Croix]

Dear River_15

I'm glad you came here to the Forum as it is an awkward and upsetting situation - one that sadly happens all too often.

I guess the confusing and hurtful part is not drawing a distinction between acquaintances and friends. From my point of view an acquaintance may be someone you see occasionally or every day, but it is a shallow relationship. Maybe good to talk with, maybe amusing, but no deep down care.

I had that when I was invalided out of my job, all the people I knew at work sort of evaporated over a very short time.

Friendship on the other hand is something that comes rarely, apart from my partner I've had maybe three or four in a long life. You can have confidence in them, they have your back and if something disruptive happens take great steps to sort the problem and resume the relationship. This happen just the same in reverse, you look out for them.

This person was quite happy to use you to vent about something involving another person but as soon as you told the truth about what was happening at the club broke off with no attempt at repair. So it turn out they are an acquaintance - something upsetting to discover

As for resenting what you have done for her, it is part of your kind nature to want to help -and why would you want to change that? If it is abused or not appreciated that is a reflection on the other person, not you.

It would be a great pity if this breakdown should stop you from going to your regular sporting activities, and I'm glad you are determined to keep going. True for a while you might feel uncomfortable, but that will pass with practice. You also have to remember there are other people in the club too, and they do not necessarily side wiht her, in fact they may have welcomed your straight talk.

I hope you do find a true friend soon and see the difference

Croix