Hi Garnet,
A very powerful question, and certainly not one that has a neat little packaged answer that can just be plucked off the shelf. I imagine there is a tidal wave of a story behind the question and perhaps in time we will hear/read some of it, but for right now I just want to let you know that you're in a place of openness and support where everyone recognises their is no easy road - just the road. You're definitely among peers here that walk a different path and can perhaps journey a while with you among some familiar tracks.
I want to offer something that I hope will be of value in response to your question. I believe self care is the key here. It's so important that we look after ourselves especially when we have a responsibility (and the privilege) of raising and investing in another human being. That being said, it doesn't mean we have to perform flawlessly or even effectively all of the time; in fact it is great modeling to show our young people that sometimes life knocks us around and it can take some time to find our feet again; I think it's okay to show that we've been blown apart by something, and to model healthy and effective processes that work toward putting the pieces back together again.
Self care is vital to our ability to keep giving. Is there some space or opportunity in your life where you can put yourself first - perhaps your own recovery and healing - so that you have something left to offer those that rely on you? Talking to a GP or counselor/psychologist can be very valuable in assisting with building up our capacity to get back on an even keel. Having a space where we ourselves (you yourself) can be open and honest and fully vulnerable to the hurts and the fears and the unfairness of life's situations is (eventually) really cathartic, and in my experience a vital part of coming back to life.
Kids really don't need a lot from us. As long as they feel safe, loved, and seen, they'll generally be okay. Look after yourself - when you're doing okay, being a parent for another human being isn't as daunting a task.
Hope to hear from you again, Garnet. And I hope things are okay.
