Hey there
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you can find the strength and motivation to carry on, in spite of everything.
As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I use the gym as a means of keeping my mental health in check. Ironically enough, late last year the gym itself became a cause of my anxiety. My trainer gave me a new fitness program which I slowly began to realise was beyond me, but I couldn't find the courage to tell him so. Most of the time I ended up lying on the floor of the toilet cubicles at the gym gasping for breath, fighting nausea and the urge to throw up. I convinced myself that my only options were to keep doing the program or quit the gym altogether.
Eventually I got my program changed, and alternated my gym routine with other types of exercise, like shooting basketball hoops and going for long walks. At the moment I'm on a very simple cardio program which I've put together myself. It's far less stressful and I only do as much as I can, while still trying to push myself so I get the exercise I need. It's about finding balance I guess.
I'm sure you can relate to the fact that sometimes it's incredibly hard to get motivated to do exercise. I catch the bus to and from work, and the gym is about 4 stops away from the stop closest to my house. So many times I have almost talked myself out of getting off at the "gym stop", running through excuses in my head. Often it's a case of just dragging myself off the bus and up to the gym. Most of the time, no matter how exhausted I am, a workout gives me the strength an alertness to get through the evening, do what I have to do before bed and then wind down before sleeping.
So ... maybe the normal types of exercise programs and clubs aren't really for you? Have you tried/considered a team sport (basketball, soccer, touch footy, etc), or maybe tennis or squash? Or perhaps jogging with a friend or mountain biking?
Hope this has been at least somewhat helpful. All the best.
