New on forum : Feeling Uworthy and unappreciated.

[Feeling_Helpless]

Hi all, so i have predisposition to Anxiety and depression though most of the time i am a tough and confident well rounded person. The last year of my life has been chaotic to say the least, just extreemly busy with two toddlers and a few personal traumas that have caused me to become very anxious. I wear my heart on my sleave and always try to be kind and helpful and i will bend over backward to help everyone i love however, over the years it hasnt been reciprocated by anyone. Mainly those in my closest circle and i take it all. Now i am hurting so much and i feel a lack of support around me. I have a very close in age sibling who is a master manipulator and has everyone roped in on her side when she belittles me or tries to place herself above me and when i stand my ground i am torn to shreds. I spent years supporting my husband through his issues of the most unsupportive parents who never accepted me and it is an on going issue. He doesnt stand his ground even to this day so im left to sort everything out for myself and him and i am just tired of fighting and arguing and beinf told that its all my fault. I have supportive friends but i want my family to be the ones to support me. Instead i am amazing when i am babysitting, doing favours etc but the moment i am not i am put down and walked all over. It have made me distrust everyone around me including myseflf. My happiness is gone, my spark is gone, i used to be so cheerful and positive and now i feel like only the love of my children is stopping me from falling deeper in the hell hole i fear ill never get out of. I am so deeply hurt and feel immensw guilt for my children because i cant be the mother i need to be at the moment because im not strong enough to protect myself emotionally. I feel like a failure i know im a good mum but i dont feel it now and i feel ashamed for letting all the belitlling get to me but i can help it and i dont know what else to do or who else to turn to. Any advice will be much appreciated.

[Lookingforpeace]

Hey Myra

 Welcome to the forum.

One thing that really struck me with your post is how you describe you are so helpful to others. I've been told and completely believe it to be true that people like us, who have anxiety, are generally more caring and helpful to others. For me, I think that's because I don't want other people to feel the way I do and also sometimes it's a distraction. 

But I have been learning lately that putting others first is detrimental to my own mental health. I'm not saying not to do that anymore, but perhaps put yourself equal. You do need to stand your ground because again, people like us are too concerned about how other people are feeling that we forget that our feelings matter just as much. 

I would say that's why your sibling is a very different person to you.

Please don't believe your thoughts about not being a good mum. They are just that - thoughts. You love them and care for them, that makes you a fantastic mum already. Just because you think something, doesn't make it true.

My piece of advice would be to treat yourself the way you treat others. What would you say to someone in your situation? Be your own best friend.

Hope this helps.

[Feeling_Helpless]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. You actulally made my day. I agree with you and have also been told that by my counsilor. I am trying to put it all into practice, however as all of us who suffer/suffered from anxiety know, some days arent so easy. The worst thing is that i am a happy, energetic and upbeat person generally and when anxiety rears its ugly head (especially physical symptoms, ohh how i hate the physical symptoms) i find it extreemly difficult to deal with. And being female, i came off the pill 6months ago (which is when all my symptoms began) i was on it for a yr and a half and it threw my hormones and cycle completely out of whack. Getting it all on track now, trying natural supplements as i am adamant to beat it without pills if i can. Thanks once again.

[white knight]

Hi Myraa,

Yes, 'lookingforpeace' was spot on.

"Wearing you hear on your sleeve" I thin is really common among those with mental issues be it anxiety depression and the like. After all, we are people of extremes and emotional extremities is what we are talking about.

Honesty is another extreme we possess. Black and white total honesty isn't unusual for some of us. So where does this leave us?

Vulnerable. For some reason better left to the researchers some people grow up more...well...street wise with inbuilt protection, more automatic protection that we can only dream about. When I say "dream about" that's because (as I've proven myself) we have to go through cognitive therapy and complex learning skills to grow our most basic barriers against the verbally aggressive and confident. So having said that what can we do to help ourselves.

Firstly we must find such protection. This can be achieved by- 1/ distancing yourself. This can begin with say halving your contact and trying that to fully disassociation if all else fails. Some might say these are extreme measures but remember we have extreme needs, tolerating toxic people is not easy for us. 2/ Prioritise your life and your associations. eg children, husband, friends or family that love you and treat you right, community work, toxic family members and so on. Notice the priority of toxic family members.....well down the line.

Family. What is family? Sharing blood lines in my view doesn't make family. Years ago I believed so but having had major fallouts with some and with the addition to my life of incredibly caring and loving friends, my family is who I allow into my life unconditionally. The rest, if they feel left out have to work their way back in and that isn't easy for them.

You described a word for a sibling "manipulator". Among my "family" I don't have manipulators. Loyalty is a must and return of favours or at least the offer suffices. Be wary not to use a weighing scale on these things. Other factors can stop family from helping out. This attitude should be your goal.

Remember- you didn't marry your in-laws. You should have little obligation to sort out his issues between him and them. You are not in their world to live up to their expectations.

This newfound approach if adopted will not be an overnight development. It will take a new commitment. Don't make a big deal about it. Just change course for your happiness. Don't argue, tactfully decline.

Tony WK

[Paul]

Hi Myraa,

It's great you've reached out and asked for help - reading your initial post I get the feeling it may have been a difficult thing to do. I can relate to that.

Master manipulators and people who seem to use you up - yeah, the know which strings to pull to get at you. I wish I had a pair of scissors to cut the strings that have the labels on them to say "this string makes me upset" and "this string causes anxiety". I wonder if you're able to tuck them away yourself. What I mean by that is whenever someone goes to grab the string that says "I have to do this task for the person otherwise I'll feel bad for not doing it and they will think less of me" grab the string and tuck it away before you get to the "they will think less of me" part. It sounds like you have worked out this bit with calling out that your sister can manipulate you. 

As emotional, sensitive and caring people we're tuned in to the suggestions- tone of voice, sarcasm, talking in the third person, sense of duty of those who love to manipulate. We really want to help out or try and feel good by doing what is being suggested.

I think by not acting upon the suggestions that we are picking up (even non verbally), feeling used stops. It's difficult to do because it's a bit against our nature, but with practice it gets easier and the emotional burden gets lighter.

The way I have dealt with one particular person in my life who communicates by suggestion and expects me to jump and act. I don't respond unless I am asked directly by that person to do something - and in a reasonable adult manner. Funnily enough they find it just as difficult NOT to communicate by suggestion as we do avoiding responding to the emotional suggestion!

Myraa, save your energy for yourself and your beautiful children. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job with them and love them to bits ,but you've only got a certain amount of energy (emotional energy too). As I mentioned above try to resist giving in to having your strings pulled and keep that energy for you and your kids. You deserve it, It's yours to keep and no one will love you any less for keeping it!

Take care. Please drop by again and let us know how things are going.

Paul